Times goes marching on

I'm starting to question the evolution of this blog. Has it evolved, or has it deteriorated into a place where I just kind of blabbermouth for no reason at all at random times of the day and night? Is it turning into the kind of project that I'll approach first with carelessness and then with reckless abandon, such that I might say something I'll come to regret on here? I have to admit that my comments are heavily edited and censored - for instance, there are things in journal entries of mine that would never make it onto this site, just cuz ya never really know. All surprising given that I'm generally a very private person, although I have what you might call outbursts of extroversion from time to time, more like in phases - e.g. I'll be as lively and gregarious one week as I'll be reserved and reclusive the next. Can't really understand why that's the case.. you'd think a balancing act like that wouldn't really be necessary, as in sitting on the far ends of a see-saw instead of toward the center and getting more torque. Then again, my life has been a see-saw kind of existence, though a rising tide has generally kept me afloat.

Speaking of afloat.. I'll never forget one year ago tonight. Just got back from the hospital. Still shaken. Stopped by the party but then felt kind of weird and decided to get the heck out of there. Went back home, surprised because I thought going to the party and seeing a bunch of lively folks over there would make me happy. It did, for a while.. and then I started to think of how I had literally just come from the hospital and how vastly different my day must have been than theirs. For some reason, that made me a little nervous, so I decided to go back and rest up and then maybe even make a second trip to the party a little bit later. My clearest memory, though, is of trudging up the street, with the temperature stuck right at 32 degrees, fresh snow on the ground mingling with the recongealing ice and crunching under my booted feet. I had my hands jammed into my pockets. My breath was steaming mildly in the cold. I was shivering slightly, but that was mostly out of fear and not chill. I still didn't know what was going on, how I could have such a setback and then be left hanging high and dry without a clear idea of what to do next. That definitely wasn't easy. One thing led to another, gradually, and I defiantly found my way out of what seemed a near-black hole at times. Still, I'll never forget that night. I was out there, on a mission but on shaky ground and trembling feet, and I could feel my own solitude hanging over my head on that long walk up the street.

Sharp contrast today.. spent most of the day at home except for a little while outside. 63 degrees for a high in mid-November ain't bad 'round these parts.

A little after sundown, I talked to my childhood librarian, who just moved back to New England. That was fun.

Now I'm just swiveling around in my chair reminiscing and blogging into the ether