Chris Drake's Wildly Unpredictable Blog

Impending retirement of this blog

2006-03-14T22:56:00.000-05:00

The time is fast approaching to retire this blog. I haven't exactly relegated it to the scrap heap, but I still feel it's gone from the back burner to the bottom shelf to the back of a stack of boxes in the basement. It's still there for anyone's perusal. But I just feel like it isn't adding much value. Not that anything I wrote would actually add much value to anyone's experiences, but I just want to make sure the blog is pulling its weight.

Why have I felt ambivalent about keeping this blog going? Well, several reasons. First, I'm not sure what it's really for, except me ranting from time to time. And if you know me, you know that ranting on a blog would be a good reason to keep it going because it would keep me from ranting aloud, which nobody really wants to hear anymore. However, it's also a bad reason because it means I'm taking up cyberspace with long streams of consciousness that would do better to be set down in a journal or something of that nature. Sometimes doing it the old-fashioned way has its advantages, and this could be one of them. One person even told me the other day that she felt like she was reading diary entries as she pored over some of my earlier blog entries. That really told me it was time to change the style of this thing.

Second, the blog has a boring interface and I haven't had much motivation to do anything to it to make it more attractive. These days, it's so difficult to grab attention on the Internet that you have to come up with something really jumpy, with something new and interesting going on, to hold anyone's interest for too long. The words probably don't cut it as much as they used to unless you're a pop luminary or similar larger-than-life figure, which I am definitely not! So I feel like the interface has just stagnated and that, even if I put a little effort into it, it still might not turn out quite right.

Finally, and most importantly, I don't like the name of the blog. I love my own name, but naming a blog after myself seems a little pretentious to me. I could be way off-base, but I almost feel like I'm not worthy of putting my name into the URL of a blog. I made that the name because I wasn't sure of a good nickname at the time, so I sort of did it in the same fashion I would create an email address if I were momentarily starved for a nickname. I feel like it's time for a change to something a little catchier. chrisdrake.blogspot.com almost assumes people would want to know what I was writing about, but then again this thing isn't read all that often anyway, I can tell, so I might be sort of out of my league on that one. That's alright, though, because better things are yet to come.

We're about to hit spring in the Northern Hemisphere, I'm about to turn 25 (just over a month from now - scary!), and I'm about to turn over a new blogging leaf. After 18 1/2 months, it's time for something new. I think I might take some old entries and incorporate them into a new blog, but otherwise there will be something that hopefully will raise a few eyebrows on the superficial and deep levels alike!

One thing I'm sure of, though, is how nice it is to have this blog sitting here, whenever I feel the urge to pour my guts out into cyberspace for a few moments. It's definitely comforting.

Only a matter of time now before this thing shifts into overdrive and, hopefully, accelerates into the distance, down the long, straight highway in the middle of the desert, with craggy hills and scrub brush all around, and the setting sun flanked by low-hanging clouds, blazing ahead into the future...

Return of Winter

2006-02-12T11:47:00.000-05:00

Winter is back with a vengeance. Not that it hasn't been plenty cold the past few days.. no doubt that's associated with winter just about anywhere.. but with no snow on the ground, no slush to trudge through, no ice glazing smooth surfaces and beading on tree branches, etc., it just didn't quite feel like winter. All that changed overnight. A Nor'easter is now churning its way along the Eastern Seaboard, and the snow is pouring from the sky. It's interesting to watch as it gets caught in little mini-vortices and swirls up, sideways, then back down, then diagonally upward, sometimes calmer and sometimes more energized, sort of like a conductor's baton at different moments in a symphony. Some people think it's boring. I almost never have. Could be because I come from a climate where it has only snowed once during my entire life thus far (December 20, 1998, for about 15 minutes, just a light coating that quickly melted away). I guess it's all relative and all depends on one's unique perspective.

Just to share an embarrassing story, for no particular reason - I have what you might call a cooking injury that has nothing to do with burns or dropping anything on my foot or anything like that. It's a sprained thumb. The incident actually happened a few weeks ago, but it was more chronic than sudden. I didn't really notice it until the following day, and at first I almost laughed at myself but also hoped it wasn't more serious than it seemed. I sprained it stirring the batter for chocolate chip cookies, which turned out to be much thicker than I'd anticipated. I don't know if that means I was doing it wrong or didn't add enough liquid to it or what happened, but the end result was a sprained thumb! If I do say so myself, though, the cookies were pretty good. I'm tempted to make some more one of these days.. maybe when the sprain gets better..

Today would be a good day to make more cookies, since with this much snow on the ground I'm not going anywhere fast. Problem is I don't have any chocolate chips. Maybe I'll try another kind of cookie?

Then again, maybe my thumb is telling me not to go through with it. Once was enough.. for now, anyway.

So I still have this concern about making the most of "it," whatever "it" really is. I guess it would help to figure that out first and then evaluate whether or not I'm actually working well with "it." Could this concern possibly mean that I'm almost never completely satisfied because I always feel like there's more to do? Does it mean there are some things I should really just try to give a rest?

Who am I even asking?

Looks like the snow is starting to calm down.. I think I'll try to calm down with her.

Trying to get back in the habit

2006-02-07T21:39:00.000-05:00

OK, so I've almost hit the one-year anniversary of the day I wrote my last blog entry for about six and a half months. Can't believe I let all that time lapse. No blogging during the last half of the winter, nor the entire spring, nor more than two months of the entire summer. And a lot went on during that whole time. And I had plenty of time to spend blogging, but didn't do it. So let me see if I can change that this time. I sure hope I can. But does it matter to anyone, besides me, the one who's trying to do more writing instead of 90% emails, which comprises most of my writing at the moment??

Who am I even asking?

Who am I even kidding?

January was the warmest month on record in the United States, yet for some reason I remember this January as one that was colder than last January around here, even though last January was among the nastiest in years, with bitter cold, a major blizzard, gray days, strong winds, etc. You name it. It was Winter with a capital W. This year, though, I think I got a little cocky. I went out without as many warm clothes, whereas last year I really bundled up against the cold and worked on my layering, which I'd only had to do once before for any extended period of time, and even then it wasn't regularly below freezing (as opposed to last year, when the temperature didn't rise above freezing for two weeks in January). So I left myself more exposed to the elements. I got sick. I was more tired. I tried to change my habits, but for some reason I just ended up making things tougher on myself. I think I should try to settle myself down a little bit. Just because it was the warmest month doesn't mean it was warm! Well, OK, it was for a few days, but it was also mighty cold for a few of those days! Yes, indeed.

Yeah, so anyway, even if I haven't been quite myself recently, I will definitely be back. It's only a matter of time before I can recuperate. The blogging could be part of that.. who knows?

2006-02-06T14:50:00.000-05:00

Well, I thought I was going to get to blog a little in between classes, but it looks like another class is coming in here as soon as the last class (Local Government Law, which looks to be a good one) leaves.. and it looks to be this way every Monday. So I have to put off blogging for just a bit, but I will be back.. of this there is almost no doubt

You want wildly unpredictable?? You got it!

2006-02-05T10:08:00.000-05:00

Sounds like a good day to practice flute. Someone is practicing his or her flute downstairs. I can't tell exactly where it's coming from, much less who lives there, much less who actually plays the flute (or even whether s/he lives there or is a guest), but I've heard the flute being practiced for the past few days. The first time I heard it was when I was leaving to go out and heard these sweet sounds floating up the stairs and down the hall. I thought it was a creative alarm clock because I heard the same pattern repeatedly, and then, when it stopped abruptly and repeated, I realized that it was someone practicing. I think it's great that people still play. I should play more. I mean, I could - I have this thing sitting over in the corner, and even though I planned to play it every day when I got it not too long ago, I haven't exactly made good on that plan. Sigh.

This is the day I started learning how to play the "Maple Leaf Rag" four years ago. I remember it so clearly because I had to learn it without the aid of a piano. My host family had a piano downstairs, but I didn't want to disturb them by practicing on it after hours. I wasn't even there all that often, anyway, since I was at school all day. But I'd brought the score along with me, so I tried to learn it by doing the finger movements on the surface of my desk. Victor Lin had taught me that technique, and I hadn't used it all that often until then, mostly out of laziness. But I was determined to learn the thing, since it was so much fun to listen to and since it seemed within reach at that time even though I hadn't been playing for a while. Eventually, I got the finger movements down well enough that I tried it out on the piano when my host family was away. By the end of the month I'd made real progress on it. I never got to play it for them, but hey, maybe one of these days I'll see if I get another chance.

Shifting into overdrive now.. just a quick word on the caricatures of Muhammad that first appeared in Danish newspapers and now have been popping up in periodicals all around Europe in a show of solidarity. I'm all for freedom of speech, but I'm also for sensitivity. The press must know that publishing caricatures of Muhammad - in fact, publishing drawings of the Prophet in any form - is beyond blasphemous. It seems like one of the most injurious things you can do, very much like flying the Stars and Bars on a Black family's lawn or the Nazi swastika on a Jewish family's lawn. And yet they do it anyway, citing freedom of speech. At some point, that freedom goes a little bit too far and boils over into reckless irresponsibility. I think that's what we're seeing. It's pretty shocking to me that a newspaper would do something like this, knowing that it's like opening up a wound for all followers of the world's largest religion and then pouring salt on it, and then defend their actions based on freedom of speech concerns. Needless to say, I'm frustrated and disappointed. I'm not sure I'm so angry, or even sad. I think people have a right to their own feelings and opinions, as well as, to some extent (differing depending on which society you're talking about, as we're seeing right now), the right to express them. This is coming from someone who has been called just about everything from "dork" to "nigger," to his face. What's most dismaying is that there's such a callous lack of compassion and lack of sensitivity, particularly given the undeniable tension we're all facing now, particularly between followers of Islam and followers of "Western" traditions.

One good result of the controversy that has eruped into violence is that we're seeing some of the tension released and exposed. This reminds me of the riots in Los Angeles 14 years ago after the acquittal of the officers who beat Rodney King. The acquittal was the spark that lit fires of rage against the L.A.P.D., against a society that systematically marginalized Black people while paying lip service to their civil rights, etc. The Islamic rage and violence is not a good thing in and of itself - far from it - but it shows the depth of the anger many Muslims feel toward the West. Just as one example, even though the U.S. government came out against the European press and its publication of the caricatures, an American flag was burned during violent protests in Beirut. There are obviously a lot of reasons to do that. Muslims have plenty of reasons to be furious at the West, and the most extreme Muslims have made good on their anger in the most horrific of ways, particularly during the past 30 years. Part of this anger might come from internal frustration which finds a target in the West when it is expressed. But it's unfortunate that the Danish press and many of its European counterparts have now given Muslims everywhere another reason to hate the West in general. It's like depicting Jesus or the Buddha shamefully. Think of what that would do to Christian and Buddhist sensibilities. Or don't even think about it - look at it happening right now, in the context of the world's largest religion.

Now I'm rambling and ranting, but I promise I'll stop in a second.

Isn't it way past time to really try to resolve the tension, to find the sources of the anger and try to smooth them out - not the anger, but the reasons behind the anger? Isn't that an unbelievably rhetorical question? My only point is that mutual respect is lacking (notice that I did NOT say "tolerance." I actually hate that word with a passion). As long as the lack of respect persists, there will be conflict. When the lack of respect is addressed, with the goal of elimination, then we'll be on the path to actual peace - not the ionic kind, but the covalent kind.

Midwinter Daydream

2006-02-03T14:57:00.000-05:00

So I think it's now safe to call myself a lazy bum, at least in some ways. I'm really slow with the blogigng. It was right around this time last year that I quit, cold turkey and for no apparent reason, not to return to the blogosphere until I caught a spark of inspiration in August when I found out that at least one person was reading it. That spark kindled a little fire that lasted for a few months but slowly faded, and now I'm trying to resurrect the embers. Kind of like when you see just the last few glowing embers in the fireplace and then you shove a piece of newspaper in there to try to get the thing going again. It might start to flare up, and a piece of charred wood might momentarily catch on fire, but the key is in the placement of the newspaper and the flammable materials above them that you hope will catch and restart the whole fire. Not that I know much about this since I don't have a fireplace and was only a cub scout for two years.. but still, if that metaphor is at all applicable to what I'm trying to do with this blog, well, then that's at least a little bit satisfying.

Something else that's bugging me. I'm trying to write a play. I got started on it a week ago Thursday, but I haven't touched it since then, and I haven't really felt the inspiration. Audre Lorde, of course, wouldn't like that. Whenever I feel a lack of writing spark, aside from writer's block, I always hear Audre Lorde scolding me for not just going forward with it and letting the inspiration develop itself. I have a feeling that would happen. I'm just trying to explain it without getting tied up in what someone once called "analysis paralysis." Is it that I think I don't have enough time? Am I too worried about what's going on later in the day or the evening, or even the next day or the next week, to concentrate on just churning out a few more blog entries? I think that's the most likely candidate - time anxiety. I just wish there were more time, or that I could do things faster, or more efficiently, or that I could do more, or sometimes even that I could do less and not feel bad about cutting back.

The good thing, though, is that on here I can ramble however much I want. Strangely enough, I feel my readership declining from almost-nil to just a smidgen above nil as I ramble more and more.

So maybe it's a good thing I haven't been on here all that often? I mean, I can't even take too much of my own rambling! I have to give it a rest sometimes...

Yeah, so anyway, Spring semester just started. I'm pretty interested in my courses this time around. I'm also nervous about the future. What will it be like this upcoming summer? Will I move in the right direction? Of course I have the fear of failure, the fear of making mistakes, and (most of all) the fear of repeating mistakes, all hanging over my head. For those who talk about the "even bigger fear of success," I have no idea what they're talking about - I have choice words for it that also describe bovine waste. And you know something? I think I finally realize where this comes from..

I don't consider myself all that competitive, except with myself (those who know me know that I am relentlessly self-critical), but I understand now that I hate to lose.

There. I said it.

Now, of course, in life you're going to win some, and then you're going to lose some. So my fears could be chalked up to the fear of losing, and the even greater fear of going on a losing streak.

I'm amazed how personal this can get when I take extended hiatuses, but there you have it. It's almost like I'm using the blog to bring out some of my deepest secrets and release them into the public domain so that they're not really secrets any longer. Kind of like aged cheese.

Aged cheese? Where did THAT come from, I ask you?

I ask who?

OK, maybe it's time for me to give it a rest again? Not for so long, but for enough time so that I can recover from what looks like another rambling spree, which I am really going to try to avoid. But the blog must go on! The blog must go on!

A great day in Salzburg

2006-01-27T09:45:00.000-05:00

And on this date in 1756, my man Mozart made his way into the world. There's no denying the guy was a genius, creative and otherwise. That he could do it so easily is so fascinating, and that he was only around to do it for just under 36 years. But hey, even 250 years later, we still have a lot to learn from this guy.

My parents played a variety of music for me when I was a toddler, and I always remember Mozart's music being among my favorites. I don't know if it's that I liked saying his name, or if they just happened to play Mozart more than any other European composer, or what it was. But I had a few real favorites. I always liked James Taylor. I always liked Sting and The Police. And when it came to classical composers, I had a special attachment to Tchaikovsky, Bach, and Mozart. Over the years, I've never really lost interest in Tchaikovsky and Bach, but I didn't focus as much on Mozart. I used to play a little of Mozart's piano music, but it's almost all out of my fingers now (I just have to point out that I'm listening to the BBC right now, and they're running a story on Mozart's birth that just came on). I can't really give a good explanation for why that happened. You'd think it shouldn't take a quarter-millennium birthday for me to regain interest.. but hey, it can only help...

I have a little break this week, but strangely enough I haven't really been resting up as much as I planned because I feel like there's still so much to do. And I feel I have to cram it all into my assignment-less days. Maybe I just don't feel comfortable without any assignments? Is that a good thing or a bad thing? By the time I have a straight answer I'll have another assignment

Yeah, so anyway, I have to get back into this. I don't want it to be a repeat of last year, with no blogging from February to August. A lot happens between February and August, at least most of the time

Ah, those days

2006-01-12T21:43:00.000-05:00

As predicted, I've slowed down a lot, again, on the blogging. Some spark will come along, though, I'm sure, that will convince me to pick it up again. In a way, I hope not - I admit it is kind of nice to take a little break every once in a while - but then again, I feel guilty about the blog just sitting here and not doing anything to help it grow bigger and stronger. I am thinking, though, of retiring the name, if that's possible. I realize I really don't like the idea of having a blog named after myself, first because I could probably think of a catchier title if I tried, and second because that's the kind of thing celebrities would do, and I am far, far short of celebrity status.

I finished my first semester of finals one year ago today. I just talked to an old friend of mine who finished her finals yesterday. It was clear that she was totally ecstatic. I mentioned that her happiness was rubbing off on me. It was a wonderful feeling - sharing in someone else's joy of experience. I hope I get to do that many times again.

Why am I totally distracted right now? There's work to be done! I can't slack off, because if I do, then... then.. what?

What?

Quick look in the rear view

2005-12-31T20:53:00.000-05:00

So now the time has come to look in the rear view mirror at 2005 (I don't really want to say "look back" because I like to look forward as much as possible.. and a rear-view mirror look is more like a way to see what has already passed while still looking forward.. but anywayz). When I look back on this year, I see an incredibly trying year for humanity, one filled with disaster and destruction. There was so much sad news this past year. There were so many deep and ugly flaws brought to the surface, such that we now have to deal with them somehow if we're looking for long-term success. Some challenges were surmounted. Other challenges won the first round, so now we have to ready ourselves for a rematch - and it's only a matter of time before that day, or those days, come around. There were also positive bits of news and positive developments around the world. I think the best worldwide change in this year 2005 is that we literally know ourselves better now than we ever did before. We know how far we have to go, and we know how far we've already made it. We won some and we lost some, but we're now better equipped to face what lies ahead, in terms of knowledge, physical capability, and creativity. Knowledge and communication are expanding. Encroachment is expanding. Again, we've learned some tough lessons this past year, so let's hope that as we move forward we take the lessons taught this year and use them for positive ends.

As for me, 2005 was yet another transitional year. I, too, had some big challenges, not all of which I conquered. I did conquer, or at least bring under control, two absolutely critical challenges that have arguably transformed me into a much more confident person, which is one of my healthiest changes in many years now. I learned a lot about myself, about what I hope my reputation will become, and about what it means to be a good friend. I lost a few key battles. I was aggressive in at least two of them, trying to drive the green when I couldn't actually judge the length of the hole. But I play better now because I fell into those traps, and now I can handle them far better than I ever could. I emerged stronger from them. I used the challenges I faced for strength. I went places I'd never been, literally and figuratively. I made several really close friends. I struggled with other friendships and did what I could to salvage them as much as possible. I met a few personal goals and spun off others. I addressed my fears and set myself on the road to conquering several of them. I had a good time.

Even in a year of widespread sadness, I have to say that 2005 was my best year. I had hoped at this time last year that I would be able to turn around what I considered a little slump. That ended up happening in a big way.

From my own vantage point, the best days of the year were January 10, January 13, January 18, January 26, February 17, February 22, March 19, April 14, April 18, May 10, May 31, June 12, July 4, July 17, July 18, July 24, July 30, August 11, August 19, August 22, September 2, September 6, September 25, October 4, October 18, October 21, October 26, November 24, November 25, November 26, December 2, December 3, December 16, December 29, December 30, and today.

The toughest days were March 23 and June 26.

Best day? Hard to say.

Favorite memory? Ditto.

Pretty good year, though.

Looking forward to the next

Foggy Nights on the West Side

2005-12-25T01:28:00.000-05:00

Blogging now from the Pacific Coast, on the same computer I used to start this blog about sixteen months ago. No, seriously.

I don't type as fast as I used to, maybe because I'm getting older, probably because I'm more tired on a more regular basis these days. Nothing a little sleep can't repair. It's just that I'm about twelve thousand hours into sleep debt and have the equivalent of three credit cards, each being used to pay off the balance on the other. You can only keep that up for so long. Probably time for me to batten down the hatches and really get rested up for the long haul, which looks to be just over the horizon.

I'm not exactly practicing what I'm preaching now, though. I could be in bed. I could be on my way to bed. Instead, I'm just chilling up here, blogging away, fully dressed, knowing I should go to bed but consciously avoiding it.

I'm enjoying the foggy night instead.

I like the foggy nights. I'm surprised it's foggy here now, too - with the temperatures and the sky conditions it could easily be the middle of summer. Instead, it's Christmas Eve, and it's socked in, as we like to say.

Does Christmas Eve still have the same luster it once did for me? I used to look forward to those two days for about 364 other days, because I was almost always happy on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, no matter what. It was the time when I got to be happy again, for sure. I knew what day of the week it was but just totally didn't care. It was an event. It transcended a schedule or a calendar. It was just a time to be at internal peace, smiling within and without, almost forgetting that I was a kid with many of the issues and problems facing most kids my age at every stage of the game. The spirit always transformed me right around the last week of December.

Oddly enough, I have spent Christmas Eve doing almost exactly the same things, although at different times, since I was about three years old. No kidding! It's more than a personal tradition. It's a ritual, at this point. I try to improve with each iteration. It's variable, but it's fun. I always get a kick out of it.

Like this afternoon, for example. I gazed out my window at the hazy glow of the sunshine around 2 in the afternoon. The waters of the Pacific magnified the sunlight, so that I really did feel its intensity even more than I usually do as it was streaming through my window and bombarding the doorwall of my old room. Immediately, I remembered that what I was seeing was almost the exact same view - including weather conditions, although it was colder last year - as I saw on 12/24/04. That was bizarre. One of those deja vu episodes that kind of freaks you out because it literally takes you back in time. There are few of those. Many of them are tied to the surprisingly evocative sense of smell (instant nostalgia!), but you still get moments like those. Come to think of it, the view on Christmas Eve from that same window seven years ago, when it was a very cold day by San Francisco standards but still a little warmer than the few days before, was almost identical. That's a trip.

Would it be more accurate to say this entry is deteriorating into stream of consicousness or progressing towards stream of consciousness?

I think I'm tired enough that I'm heading towards a stream of unconsciousness. Not even a double espresso would help me now...

The fog is starting to thin out a little bit, but it still feels like a nighttime blankie. It can be fearsome at times. I still like to think of it as a gesture of benevolence, a kind of protection and comfort. It reminds me of both my roots and of my source.

Now the time has come for merry mirth...

Musing

2005-12-19T17:29:00.000-05:00

How much is it worth to have the last word?

A lot, I would say. For real, though, how much? Seems so much of what we value, particularly in this amazingly obsessive society in and with which we deal, depends on the right to have the last word.

Then again, would you rather have first dibs or the last word?

Maybe it all depends.. the answer to so many other questions and solution to so many other mysteries.

The solstice is on its way, and then the hibernal season will come 'round again here in the Northern Hemisphere...

Thundersnow!

2005-12-09T14:07:00.000-05:00

OK, so this just HAD to be blogged. I was just walking down the street after spending lunchtime in a room without any windows (at least that we could see). The snow was pouring from the sky when we made our way back outside. As we trudged through the fresh fallen snow, ice, slush, and soupy mess that pools by curbs at intersections, we noticed a flash coming from behind us. One of us thought it was a camera flash and asked if somebody just took a picture. I answered that I didn't think so, thinking it was probably the flickering of one of the streetlights just behind us. Certainly it couldn't be lightning. But then, sure enough, we heard the crack and rumble of distant thunder. It was a thundersnowstorm. In fact, as I'm writing this, another rumble of thunder has just made the sky shudder. More heavy snow. Breezy. And there it is again, this time further in the distance.

Never thought I would see that.. but then again, this has been a year of some of the craziest weather of all time, so I can't be too surprised!

More to come, for sure. Now time to go out and quasi-play in the snow...

Spin around Midtown

2005-12-02T18:04:00.000-05:00

So another new setting for this blogging entry.. I'm in the "living room" of a hotel in midtown Manhattan this time around, with radio news being piped in, this dude sitting on the couch behind me reading the paper, and me sitting here cheerfully blogging away as the traffic rumbles by outside, the gusty winds sweep across the island, and the city that doesn't sleep gets revved up for the weekend. I've always found New York City pleasantly overwhelming for about a day or so, and then annoyingly overwhelming after that. I think it's just me. It really seems like a love-it or hate-it kind of place, sort of its own city-state (at least according to New Yorkers, who generally seem to think of the world in two parts, New York and all the rest of it). It's always changing, yet it's also always itself, if that makes any sense.

Now it's a new month. Last one of 2005, already.. which is pretty stunning. I'm trying to get older as slowly as I can, even resorting to a somewhat childish lifestyle at times. Like today, for instance...

Why do they have to honk so much? The streets are reasonably wide, but it still seems it just wasn't really made for so many cars and so many pedestrians to be out there all at the same time. But whatchagonnado, anyway?

Got on the bus this morning (originally had thought of coming in later but then changed plans slightly). Rolled on down this way and got to the Port Authority Bus Terminal around 1 in the afternoon. Trekked over here and had to negotiate a little bit with the staff, but in a friendly way (almost seemed they were expecting something more heated), and everything worked out nicely. Since I hadn't been to NYC for a while, I decided to stroll around on a sort of self-guided tour of midtown Manhattan.. and it was a good one. Of course, I first had to warm up my camera with a picture of eight pigeons sitting on a ledge just outside the window. Not all that pretty, but hopefully artistic enough that I or someone else will look at it later and come up with a decent reason not to delete it! OK, so next up, went over to the ESB, then to Herald Square, then Rockefeller Center, then Times Square/the Ed Sullivan Theater, Carnegie Hall, 59th Street and the horses outside Central Park, down 5th Ave by the giant snowflake hanging over the street, over to Park Avenue and past the Waldorf-Astoria all the way through the former New York Central (now Helmsley) Building and the MetLife building, into Grand Central Terminal, then along 42nd Street to 5th Ave and past the library, and then back to this joint. My feets is tired. My soul is almost at rest.

Of course, that's one slightly modified saying that came out of the Montgomery Bus Boycott, which all began with Rosa Parks's heroic deed 50 years ago yesterday. God bless her soul. Somebody had to do it eventually, and I honestly can't think of anyone better than her.

I spent a few minutes in Grand Central Terminal going through a little deja vu episode. For some reason I had pictured it hustling and bustling on a Friday afternoon in December, around 5:30 (which is when I was there), with the lighted wreaths hanging and the giant American flags. It was just as I had pictured it, and that was one little experience that almost made me feel like a child, for some reason. I noticed something else this time, though: the ceiling. I'd never really looked at it before, but it looks like it actually depicts six of the zodiac constellations - Aquarius, Pisces, Aries, Taurus, Gemini, and Cancer - along a line that represents the ecliptic, plus the Triangulum and Pegasus off in the corner. Not only that, but it has a line for the Celestial Equator that intersects the Ecliptic right near Pisces - the Spring Equinox! How 'bout THAT, I thought to myself? I thought I was the only one who thought that was kind of neat, but whoever did the ceiling must have thought so, too - or at least whoever commissioned it. As I was leaving, I and the Grand Central congregation were treated to a laser light show on the ceiling featuring the constellation, snowflakes, and other designs dancing around on the ceiling, set to holiday music - the last piece of which was Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker Overture. After that, it was time to head on back. Now what?

Someone's waiting for this computer. She looks like she could probably kick my ass if she wanted to, especially with the menacing boots she has on.. so I guess I should go now. Anywayz, now the goal is to make the most of it one day at a time and see where I wind up, trying to learn from past mistakes and build on strengths and attack weaknesses and appreciate the little things that add color to the relentless march of time.

Looking forward to it.. unbridled optimism might seem naive at times, but let me tell you this: it can go a long way if you give it a chance! And I'm going to give it a chance, as best I can, hoping that it will lead in a friendly direction.

.. and it's gone

2005-11-30T10:52:00.000-05:00

Yeah, OK. So I made it back to the U.S. on Sunday afternoon and then tried to get everything straightened out again, which always takes me a little longer than I wish it would. I'm amazed it's already Wednesday. So much has changed in the last two and a half days. Seriously. The weather is warm again. It's rainy. I got to put away my heavy winter clothes.. at least until tomorrow or maybe even Friday, depending on my hardiness over the next couple of days. November is drawing to a close. I learned a lot this month, particularly about myself. I've learned to be more patient. I've learned to be honest with myself, probably more than ever before, on several scores. And I think I'm probably a better person because of it. Now I just have to give it a while to sink in, and then I'll assimilate it, and then hopefully I will be even stronger than ever, but in the most benevolent of ways.

The pace of change, tables turning, brightness fading into dark, the cold and dark nights turning into balmy and clear days, is really stunning. I pride myself on being able to adapt to change, but sometimes it's tougher than others. Sometimes you slip and fall and it's a little harder to get back up again, although these days I can do it a lot more quickly. I can focus; I can concentrate; I can continue the passions and the dreams. Sometimes I get these big ideas and try to run with them.. but then I shunt them aside or I start losing the drive to see them fulfilled. Sometimes they're within my control and sometimes they're not. I'm pretty accustomed to both, resigned to realizing what I can handle and what's out of reach. Sometimes I daydream and then I snap out of it and just go on. Sometimes it lasts a little longer. Sometimes I say sometimes a little too often.

At other times, I roll with an idea one day and then I stop to take a look around and it's gone, just like Mr. Michaels described Dave Henderson's home run almost twenty years ago. Then everything changes. Then you take the fork in the road. You have to face up to it. You have to relish it. You have to consider Eastern doctrine at times like these. And the show must go on!

Can't believe the calendar is on the verge of rolling over to Month #12 of what has been a high-flying year in which I have unquestionably undergone more personal growth than in any year before. I gotta get ready for it. I have a feeling it could be an adventure.. then again, I love a good adventure.

Euro Thanksgiving

2005-11-24T16:58:00.000-05:00

So today I find myself outside the U.S.A. for the first time on Thanksgiving Thursday. I'm in Belgium visiting my cousins. I have to make this quick - one of my cousins is talking on the phone on the couch next to me and my two little cousins just came home from school, so that means my free time to crank out a quick blog entry is limited! It's just another weekday here in Belgium.. no turkey, apple pie, any of that stuff. Just Thursday. In a way, it's kind of refreshing, given that holidays in the United States are so heavily commercialized. It's great to have the chance to spend it with family I haven't seen in a long time and in a totally different place (true, developed country, but language, general customs, general culture? Fahgettaboutit when it comes to the comparisons).

My cousins are kids in the best of ways. I really wouldn't expect to see that in the U.S. Sounds like their mom wouldn't, either...

I might, unfortunately, be back to my old habit of taking a few days between entries. Kind of like going to the gym. I gotta improve on that score.. like on so many other things.

I'm trying to multitask here, doing a little blogging, talking to my cousin, and watching TV at the same time.. not sure how well it's going. My friend tells me men can't really do that kind of thing. To the extent I'm just like all the rest of 'em, she may very well be exactly right :-)

Yeah OK, so let me try to get back to three things at a time instead of four or five..

I am thankful for the chance to blog, as well as a multitude of other things

Cliffhangers

2005-11-19T23:24:00.000-05:00

Today was interesting.. from my own perspective it included a little bit of everything, most importantly adventure.

It all started before sunrise, when I literally hopped out into the morning chill and walked over to get a copy of the paper for the bus ride. I then went to the bus turnaround, where they'd told us to be at 7:00 a.m., when the buses would depart. When I got there, I only saw about ten people waiting. By 7, only a couple more had showed up, and I had a hard time believing that was the whole contingent. There seemed to be a little confusion at first, but then two buses pulled up around 7:20, and we were rolling by right around 7:30, as the sun crept a little higher in the sky and started to bathe eastern Massachusetts in morning glow.

The trip down to New Haven took about two and a half hours, street driving and traffic included. After some skillful bus maneuvering, we pulled up onto one of the practice fields and disembarked. About five minutes later, the barbecue was already going and a whole assortment of beverages (some clearly designed for much later in the day) had been laid out on folding tables that were hastily set up, since at least a few of those on the bus ride just couldn't wait to start drinking (not that any of these were alcoholic drinks...). Not wanting to waste any time, I decided to quickly head over to the stadium to get a ticket. I walked right up to a ticket booth and had a ticket for $6 within a few seconds. I walked back towards the tailgate grinning to myself. A game like this one - and football for six bucks - really ain't all that bad for a Saturday afternoon.

About an hour later, I found myself giving myself a self-guided tour of the Yale campus, right there in downtown New Haven. Very nice, but I felt like I was at a transplanted Olde English university from quite some time ago, especially with the curved wooden doors and the ring-pull doorknobs and the gothic windows and architecture and all that stuff. Some of it actually reminded me of the scenery at Disneyland's "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride," so that was a fun little bit of nostalgia triggered on the little tour. I saw a lot of different places in not a lot of time - a crash course, if you will, but still with plenty of action.

Did I mention that en route to downtown New Haven I totally just ran into a sectionmate of mine from last year (and a Yalie), a quasi-colleague and college schoolmate of mine, and, most surprisingly of all, a classmate of mine from GRADE SCHOOL and high school (and a Yalie) who I have always counted among my favorite people. That was really something.

I found myself back at the stadium just before kickoff. I had a feeling it was gonna be a good game. As I settled into my not-so-cushioned seat in the wooden bench-style stands with blue paint chipping off, I noticed it was starting to get colder even though the sun was still high in the sky (it was a visually beautiful day, by all accounts). I had wondered earlier in the day if I really needed all my layers, but by then I was thankful that I had "overdone" it a little and had at least a little thermostatic control. First half saw Yale outplay Harvard. Second half was just plain wild. Harvard was looking at a 21-3 deficit at one point. Mistakes and big plays and timely offense on both teams led to a 24 point tie as time expired. Overtime had a little of everything: missed field goals, fumbles, interceptions.. and then a capping run that sealed the deal.

Personally, I think the bagpipes had something to do with it. For most of overtime, I was standing in the back row, about even with the South goal line on the eastern side of the stadium, over near the Harvard student section. There was this guy with bagpipes about 30 feet to my left, also standing. A few people in the crowd kept urging him to keep playing the bagpipes, apparently seeing it as a sign of good luck that would carry over to the team down on the field. So he would pipe up, the crowd below would look back and start cheering, and then hopefully something good would happen. It was working decently well for a while, until he decided to put away the bagpipes. One guy a few rows down wanted them to stay out, though, concerned about the outcome of the game. So the guy took the bagpipes out, put them back together, and started playing, which generated even louder cheers from the crowd in the stands below, who wanted nothing more than a good luck charm. On third and goal, in what turned out to be triple overtime, the guy with the bagpipes went into a passionate solo, no doubt spreading his good will this time. Harvard ran the tailback Dawson right up the gut into the north end zone for the score and the 30-24 win. The fans stormed the field. I even stormed the field and got as far as the 50 yard line (of course, safety first - I waited until after the first few waves had made their way down, and then I followed. Plenty of room to move around). But before I went down there to celebrate like the kid I still consider myself in so many different ways despite my growing responsibilities, I turned to thank the guy with the bagpipes. He smiled and laughed. His hands had been cold. His lungs had probably been tired. But he kept with it, kept the air flowing and the music soaring, and his team came out with a win.

The game made me really miss my old days of broadcasting. Those were some fun times.

Now there is so much to be taken care of, as preparations must be made and assignments must be completed and practice must be contemplated and strategies must be implemented and learning must be effectuated and rest must be sought out almost relentlessly...

Until next time, I will appreciate what I have observed.. today all my senses were totally engaged, and it felt like something special

What a Difference a Generation Makes

2005-11-18T19:49:00.000-05:00

Today I saw something that would have been virtually unthinkable 30 years ago. No kidding. Right after class this morning, I went to have a cup of coffee with an Egyptian friend of mine. About half an hour after we sat down and were talking about a whole variety of things, another classmate of ours stopped by and pulled up a chair. I was glad to get to know him, too. It looked like my friend and this other guy already knew each other pretty well, which seems fairly commonplace amongst the LLM students who are here - the tie that binds them is that they are almost all from outside the United States, so that makes for some amazing ethnic and cultural combinations.. including this one (delayed punchline, for sure.. I have to make sure it has the right amount of "umph" down the stretch). They started talking about growing up and how much different things were now and how things were going in the United States and about one of their favorite travel destinations and how much they wished they could go back there sometime soon. They talked politics, but only in peaceful terms. They laughed and smiled. I watched the whole thing unfold, participating marginally in the conversation that ensued. I could tell after a little while that they actually didn't know each other particularly well, but were instead taking a rare opportunity to get to know each other better.. and they had some amazing topics to discuss. My conversation with my friend got a little side-tracked, but that was perfectly fine with me.

The moment reminded me of the one time I saw my two grandfathers sitting together, talking, reminiscing about how far back they went. It was just me, sitting on the carpet, and then both of them sitting on ottomans just shooting the breeze. I promised myself I would never forget that. I still have the image of my mom's dad looking over at my other grandfather, smiling and laughing, and my dad's dad looking slightly aside but literally grinning from ear to ear, with his big bushy eyebrows raised (the same eyebrows I inherited), chuckling as the two of them caught up after many years. It was Christmastime.

I watched my two friends talk amiably for at least half an hour, then walk for a ways together on their way to prior engagements as I had to take off the other way. It was really something special, in a somewhat mundane but still totally remarkable kind of way.

You might be able to guess the punchline by now...

The one who had come to join us at the table was from Israel.

Good Times

2005-11-15T23:55:00.000-05:00

So I was on my way home just a few minutes ago. As I approached the front door of my building, I heard what could have been a bird calling in the night. I listened more closely and discerned that it was actually a series of rhythmic grunts made by a soprano, female voice. I thought it must be a movie on in the apartment on the second floor. Then I listened even more closely and figured out that no, it was not a movie at all.. it was LIVE ACTION. You know what I'm talkin' about! So I crept inside and around the corner to the door of the apartment I thought the sound was coming from.. turns out it was, and they were still going at it, whoever they were and whatever they might have been doing (more accurate might be "however they might have been doing it"). Rhythmic grunts. No discernible male accompaniment (maybe she was flying solo?), but it was clear that whoever was in there was having a rollicking good time. The lights were off, of course, and I have a feeling they had no idea just how loud the noise actually was. Then again, I'm sure it was the furthest thing from their minds. The walls aren't exactly paper-thin, either, just to give you some idea of what was happening. I thought for sure that she was about to have a Meg Ryan "Sally-esque" moment before too long, but I decided not to hang around.. letting whoever was in there enjoy the moment without eavesdropping to excess. I slowly made my way up the stairs, pretending I was hiding from them, even though I wasn't really

I'll tell you this much: my Tuesday night seems REALLY boring compared to what was going on in there!!

Times goes marching on

2005-11-13T21:07:00.000-05:00

I'm starting to question the evolution of this blog. Has it evolved, or has it deteriorated into a place where I just kind of blabbermouth for no reason at all at random times of the day and night? Is it turning into the kind of project that I'll approach first with carelessness and then with reckless abandon, such that I might say something I'll come to regret on here? I have to admit that my comments are heavily edited and censored - for instance, there are things in journal entries of mine that would never make it onto this site, just cuz ya never really know. All surprising given that I'm generally a very private person, although I have what you might call outbursts of extroversion from time to time, more like in phases - e.g. I'll be as lively and gregarious one week as I'll be reserved and reclusive the next. Can't really understand why that's the case.. you'd think a balancing act like that wouldn't really be necessary, as in sitting on the far ends of a see-saw instead of toward the center and getting more torque. Then again, my life has been a see-saw kind of existence, though a rising tide has generally kept me afloat.

Speaking of afloat.. I'll never forget one year ago tonight. Just got back from the hospital. Still shaken. Stopped by the party but then felt kind of weird and decided to get the heck out of there. Went back home, surprised because I thought going to the party and seeing a bunch of lively folks over there would make me happy. It did, for a while.. and then I started to think of how I had literally just come from the hospital and how vastly different my day must have been than theirs. For some reason, that made me a little nervous, so I decided to go back and rest up and then maybe even make a second trip to the party a little bit later. My clearest memory, though, is of trudging up the street, with the temperature stuck right at 32 degrees, fresh snow on the ground mingling with the recongealing ice and crunching under my booted feet. I had my hands jammed into my pockets. My breath was steaming mildly in the cold. I was shivering slightly, but that was mostly out of fear and not chill. I still didn't know what was going on, how I could have such a setback and then be left hanging high and dry without a clear idea of what to do next. That definitely wasn't easy. One thing led to another, gradually, and I defiantly found my way out of what seemed a near-black hole at times. Still, I'll never forget that night. I was out there, on a mission but on shaky ground and trembling feet, and I could feel my own solitude hanging over my head on that long walk up the street.

Sharp contrast today.. spent most of the day at home except for a little while outside. 63 degrees for a high in mid-November ain't bad 'round these parts.

A little after sundown, I talked to my childhood librarian, who just moved back to New England. That was fun.

Now I'm just swiveling around in my chair reminiscing and blogging into the ether

Long Way from Last Year

2005-11-12T23:03:00.000-05:00

This is the date last year when I hit "the bottom." I began to seriously question a number of things in my life, certainly including why I had come to law school, what I had been thinking, and what I would, could, or should do next, assuming I just couldn't take law school any longer. I have a feeling almost all students go through similar episodes of trepidation - especially around here, something tells me that's pretty standard during the first semester of first year. It doesn't have to be, but there's so much hype and so much internally-imposed pressure that intensifies when the heat is turned up at the beginning of September that it goes past the boiling point for some. I think that's what happened to me. I hardly ever talk about it because I'm trying hard to put it behind me while learning from it and being thankful that it wasn't even worse.. although it was pretty bad. Definitely the scariest few minutes of my life, when I woke up and had no idea what was happening to me, wondering if I was going to make it. I'm not saying I wondered if I was going to die, but I thought that that definitely was not the way I wanted to go...

I had taken a double dose, accidentally, of a quick-fix prescription medication a few hours before. I got up in the wee hours and soon found myself on the floor, passed out, and didn't come to for a few seconds after that. When I stumbled to my feet, I felt like swear word. I went straight for the land line phone, the same one that's sitting in front of me right now, and called 911. The ambulance was there within about seven minutes. The medics asked me to tell them what happened. I did, as best I could, and then they said I should come with them - good to put clothes on, too, since I was still in my jammies at that time. We wound our way out of the building and out into the cold, breezy early morning, a steady snow still falling, the first few inches of what would be more than seven feet of snow by the end of the "season." We went straight to the emergency room, where they put me through a series of treatments (for some reason, they had me sign a waiver form right when I got inside - amazing that they thought I was in any condition to do that). I tried to go to sleep, but it was really hard, even though I was really tired. I was admitted to the hospital around 6:00 a.m. and given a bed next to this really nice dude from the area (and with a thick accent). I slept a little more and was visited by a whole series of doctors and nurses throughout the day. I remember feeling a little sad because I was missing the first big snowfall, still going on outside. It continued until about 12:30 or so, and then it started to clear, but that made no difference to me because I was stuck in the hospital, still with no clue of what was happening. I soon found out that I had had an episode of atrial fibrillation. The doctors were monitoring me closely to try to find out what caused the fibrillation - they were pretty sure it was the medicine, but they wanted to be absolutely positive before letting me go. Around the middle of the afternoon, they told me I might be able to go that night or the following morning. I became even more worried - I didn't want to stay in the hospital another night. No one knew where I was or why I wasn't around, and I thought people would be looking for me because I had a few outstanding appointments I had to miss. Gradually, I began to feel a little better. By this time, the sky was crystal clear, although it was still very cold outside. I went over to the window and watched the sunset, which made me feel much better (not surprisingly). Shortly afterwards, I heard I would get to leave. I finally got out of there around 7:00 p.m., got a cab voucher, and next thing I knew I was back in my place. The bathroom light was still on. Everything was just as I had left it - not surprising, but it was still eerie to see that and think back to what had been some of my most terrifying moments. That was the experience that actually transformed my entire experience in law school, on the East Coast, and in life. No kidding. Still, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.. and I'm genuinely thankful that now, one year later, I can tell the story . It still leaves me shaken, but I think of all the personal progress (not at all in the pretentious sense) I've been able to make since then, and I wonder where I would be without it (not too much, though ;-) ).

I'm still shaking my head, like "Man, oh man, that was unbelievable, but thank God for the doctors."

Took a little cultural tour of Roxbury and Dorchester earlier today. Very nice. Just as the tour guide pointed out, the area evokes Dickens in that it really is a tale of two cities - the best of times and the worst of times rolled into one. For instance, just one brief example: we began the tour by seeing the inside of the glistening cultural community center, which had been boarded up for 18 years before being gutted and totally refurbished. A bank just a block away had been robbed literally just a few hours earlier. Once again, I was left shaking my head, although I was hopeful and optimistic.

I generally try to be hopeful and optimistic. I'm much more so because of last year's mishap... which taught me more than I can understand.

The French Riots and the Broader Issues Raised

2005-11-08T08:47:00.000-05:00

First of all, who am I to weigh in on the riots that have been raging in France and spreading throughout the country (at least according to the French and even American media) over the past twelve or thirteen days, depending on who's counting? I'm sitting here, thousands of miles away, numerous cultural differences away, and - let's face it - in a situation that is significantly different from that of many of the youths who are inciting and committing the violence (although apparently they feed off the media attention, so the media might also bear some responsibility for what's going on and especially for why it has only seemed to increase), except that I'm Black like many of them (which actually says a whole lot in terms of our situations). The only roving gang I've ever been a part of is a group of friends trick-or-treating on Halloween, and the worst we did was TP houses and cars, not throw Molotov cocktails at the police or set the cars on fire. But I think I have a pretty good idea of what's really going on beneath the surface, and I'm pretty sure that it's almost exactly what causes just about any kind of violence we see in the world from groups that are in fact marginalized and feel that they are marginalized. When I say "any kind," I mean it, seriously. In my yes-humble opinion, what's going on at the core is that the satisfaction of a basic human need is being withheld even after consistent pleas and clear evidence that those who need it most are getting it least.

I'm talking about the need for recognition.

I think there's so much pent-up anger and despair and frustration because the young men who have turned violent have not received the recognition, much less attention, they so desperately need. People try to pretend that they don't need it, that they can just get by because they have each other. Naw. We primates all need some kind of recognition. We primates all want to feel important, or at least that we matter to others and that they take our concerns, ideas, feelings, passions, etc. to heart, at the very least acknowledging them if not engaging them. It's a basic need - possibly unique to primates in its developed form (I don't know how I can keep talking about this when I've hardly even touched zoology and took my last biology class in my freshman year of high school, TEN YEARS ago. I think about that and my first reaction is "Damn, man!") but there nonetheless. The young men live on the margins of society, where they are shunted by the very government that has now preached "Liberty, Equality, Fraternity" for centuries yet hypocritically doesn't even try to give them what they need. I know it's a little harsh of me to say this, but honestly, people don't do these things for no reason at all. They do it because they sometimes have to resort to extreme measures in order to be heard, the same way a spring that keeps winding up must eventually release its energy or pressure between tectonic plates eventually results in earthquakes. At the furthest extreme, it's almost like anything goes, even the lawless. The men give affirmation and recognition to each other by working together to make a statement - people uniting in a common cause, with each other's interests at heart (even though they might not see it that way), doing what they feel they must.

Now, let me emphasize that the need for recognition does NOT make what the men are doing effective, justifiable, or right. I fully believe that what they are doing is wrong and I wish the violence would stop. There's a good reason that it's against the law to torch cars and clash with police. What is particularly disappointing, though, is that the French government has arrogantly refused to take any responsibility for the problems that it can no longer ignore. Notice that I did not say "blame," nor do I believe that the government is to blame. The fact is that so many parties have contributed to the central problems that we're seeing, which go way past the violence itself. Even worse is that the government refused to acknowledge its responsibility before the violence erupted AND has steadfastly avoided such an acknowledgment DURING the violence. It took almost a week and a half of violence for President Jacques Chirac to make a public statement. The entire government seemed to not really be taking the violence seriously until it started to spread - of course, they addressed it, but they didn't give it the weight it probably deserved. Again, I'd say we're talking about much deeper problems than a bunch of gangs rioting in the Paris suburbs and now in hundreds of other cities around France. It's about more than the lack of jobs, inadequate housing, and substandard education. Much more. I still argue, though, that at its most basic level, the conflict has erupted because the young men just want to be heard, listened to, acknowledged, taken seriously for once by the government that is supposed to protect them and keep their interests at heart (remember that at least a few of the gang members are French-born and raised). Most Westerners probably think of wine and cheese, romantic strolls around Paris, old country towns, etc. when they think of France. We don't really get to see the struggles of those living in the urban ghettoes just minutes from the sites of the idyllic scenes and images with which France promotes itself — that is, unless we look for it, which it seems the French government would rather we not. Worse, the French government, and possibly the "rest" of France, blocks out and refuses to see the problems that are literally popping up in their own backyards, instead just standing by and hoping everything will work itself out in the end. Unfortunately, it almost never works out that way.. and in the most severe of cases, we end up with what we're seeing right now.

So what to do about it? Well, there are short-term fixes, but in the long term, it would be nice if the government and the young men could at least figuratively "get together" and see how to meet each other's interests, which are probably not as mutually exclusive as we might think. Sometimes, though, people just want to be heard, whether or not something is done. When they're not even heard, then they start to get mad. A little acknowledgment goes a long way, whether it's siblings fighting or nation-states fighting. Same story in France.

I have a feeling it's gonna be alright. The only question is when everyone will wise up, sit down together, and start to attack the tough problems on the table rather than attack each other. I'm totally serious about that - one side might "win" in the short-term, but in the long term EVERYBODY loses because there's no barrier to the same conflicts popping up again and again and again, always with the same response and often with the same results. I put it to you that we don't really want that, nor is it good for us. I say "us" and keep using the first-person plural, because we're really all in this. We're seeing the same issues that confront every one of us, because on some levels we all want and need the same things.

So just to wrap up, I hope the situation resolves itself as peacefully as possible and that the conflict subsides with the French (leaving the term open!) standing on common ground.

Something about the weekend

2005-11-06T23:02:00.000-05:00

Why is it that I seem to sleep even less during the weekend than I do during the "work"week? I always feel even busier during the weekend, too, as if I have to catch up on everything I didn't get around to doing the week before and do all the things I couldn't do during the week, month, etc. (!) before but have wanted to do sometime. Then, next thing I know, it's Sunday night.

This weekend could have been a lot better, although it did have some highlights that really made me feel a lot better. Still, I felt like I was only about 57% awake during my waking hours, for some reason. I know what I might do to try to turn that around, but it just didn't happen this weekend. I'm starting to lose the discipline I had worked so hard to build up over the past few months. At least I have a starting point, though - I know where I have to go, and more or less how to get there. Talk is cheap.

And now, as the rain drips down, the thunder claps like a Thai salutation, and the Sun slides past Zubenelgenubi in the sky.. I retire for another evening. I'm listening to my old friends' music...

Full Speed Ahead

2005-11-05T00:08:00.000-05:00

An oft-cited but particularly cutting-edge quote, which seems more like an aphorism to me. It's one of my favorite quotes because it captures part of what lies at the heart of my own personal philosophy - that is, the mindset I try to keep in play 24/7. The words are those of Reverend Martin Niemoller, and the year was 1945.

"First they came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up, because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up, because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up, because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me, and by that time there was no one left to speak up for me."

Settling back in

2005-11-03T23:46:00.000-05:00

Whoa.. for a while I felt like I was blogging almost uncontrollably, without any sign of restraint. Now I'm starting to cut back and tone down the entries, even though I'm excited because I'm coming up on entry #100. My typing has actually become choppy, for the first time in quite some time. Is that just because I'm a little tired, or because I've been turning too many pages? Couldn't tell ya. But I will keep this one short, mostly because my fingers can only take so much blogging at one time.

Yesterday I found myself on the 36th floor of a building in downtown Boston. Crystal-clear day (made for a marvelous sunset yesterday afternoon, too.. never forget the way the sun slid down over by the Hancock Tower) and bathed the Basin orange. I had the chance to gaze out across the sea, over Massachusetts Bay and to the distant horizon on the mighty Atlantic Ocean. My thoughts transported me, fleetingly, to the other side.. and then someone tapped me on the shoulder and I retreated. Just a little more time, Chris, a little more time.. but it was one of those times when you wish tomorrow could be today instead. You know what I'm saying here?

OK, time to transform my little corner of the world into Sleepy Hollow, at least for a few hours :-)

Now THIS is just crazy

2005-11-02T10:13:00.000-05:00

I think this is the first time I've ever blogged outdoors. Actually, I'm sure. WiFi is really an amazing thing.. imagine if you could have told someone sitting where I'm sitting right now (on a stone ledge next to the stairs outside the building where I have Copyright class in a few minutes) that s/he could post something on a worldwide network of computers THROUGH THE AIR and then to a central server in some distant corner of the globe - say, even ten years ago - the person would have thought I was hopelessly off my rocker. And now here I am, chilling in the mid-morning sun, iTunes blasting away (talk about dorky - I'm playing Vivaldi's "Autunno"), and blogging like a madman. Only reason I'm out here is that there's another class in the room where we have Copyright that doesn't let out until just before we're supposed to go in there on Wednesday mornings. But that's cool with me - this is even better. I get to watch the blazing fall-colored leaves on the trees at my 10 o'clock sway gently in the morning breeze. I get fresh air before class. I can play around on my dear little blog, write on it for the first time in November 2005, and tell a story about it. All from OUTSIDE in what's notorious for being a cold-weather climate. And people aren't looking at me like I'm crazy! Only person who's doing that is probably me, myself, and I, staring back at myself on the laptop screen.

Good thing the battery doesn't heat up too quickly - otherwise, the tops of my thighs would probably be a little fried right about now.

You know, this is kind of fun - just watching people rolling right on by.. hey, there goes a friend of mine. Now here's a squirrel approaching me, with an acorn in his mouth (no kidding!).. now he scurried down the stairs. Now here's a 1L I said "hi" to as she walked down the stairs. She looked startled, as if she barely recognized her. Now there goes someone saying, "But I thought strict liability wasn't" (couldn't make out the rest) - the class before ours is actually a Torts class. OK, here come a few of my classmates. This makes me miss play-by-play - can you tell? Now the Sun is hidden behind a cloud, billowing toward the southeast. Here come some more 1Ls, through the door and down the stairs, and now here come my classmates. A bunch of coming and going. OK, now the traffic is a little to heavy for me to cach it all.. but if you get the picture, then I'm totally satisfied. And now the Sun is back, although I'm now in the shade because it's behind the building from my vantage point.

This is what it's all about. There goes one of our quasi-gunners (he has days when he's a gunner and others when he's pretty chill).

Only seven minutes 'till class.. one of my favorites, at least so far.

Why do I do stuff like this? People are really gonna start to wonder about what's gotten into my head if I keep this up much longer.. I chalk it up to a love of discovery and doing things more-or-less just for the helluvit!

OK, gotta get in there. Feliz Día de los Muertos a todo el mundo..."

I just can't stop blogging from out here.. OK enough, Chris, enough already. Sometimes I have to talk to myself to get myself to do what I know I should do but for whatever reason don't do.. but now I'm going to do it. Right now. Yeah, that's right.

Halloween

2005-10-31T10:06:00.000-05:00

There's something about these one-word subject lines that's just.. captivating. Sometimes, at least. Now let me see if I can craft a captivating entry here as I wait for Copyright class to start...

Halloween has rolled around again. I always love it because it's an excuse to have a party that almost everyone takes advantage of or at least acknowledges in some way. It's not so great when it gets out of hand, but it's a day to celebrate for kids and adults alike, transcending religion even though it has pagan roots. You have to wonder just how "haunted" the world actually is today. Some would say it's haunted all the time, in positive and negative ways. Some would say there's no such thing. I think we only really find out when we're walking down a dark street at night, hear a mysterious noise, and then see a ghostface peering back at us.

As for my own version of Halloween.. I loved going trick-or-treating when I was a kid. Too bad I can't do it with a straight face anymore. But at least I can dress up and do Halloween "adult-style." I don't exactly go crazy, but I try to at least do something. No jack-o-lantern this year (that's about every other year nowadays). No costume sewn by my grandma (she actually helped to make my favorite costume, the year I dressed up as a warlock/monk). I'm thinking Miami gangsta this year - I'll check the closet later and see if I can come up with something convincing.

Oddly enough, I only enjoyed the candy spoils from trick-or-treating for about the first half-hour, when my brother and I used to come back home. Only about ten percent of it was good stuff.. the rest I just tried to give away. I don't know if that meant I didn't like candy as much as I thought I did, or if I was more concerned about my dental health than I thought I was. Anyway, it was always fun to empty out our plastic pumpkins (I wonder if we still have those somewhere?) on the living room carpet and see what was in there.

One character who always loved Halloween (and probably still does): my dog. Ten years ago, when he was still just a puppy, he got into my brother's plastic pumpkin the day after Halloween, when it was still full of candy. My dad caught him with it, only he couldn't scold him to his face because his head was buried in the plastic pumpkin and had gotten stuck. My dad had to gently pry it off, and when he finally got it loose Bannock still had a piece of candy wrapper in his mouth - something like aluminum foil, actually. He ran towards the door to get away and try to finish off the goods.. my dad tried to convince him to come back so he might have a chance to get the wrapper out of his mouth before he swallowed it. No such luck. As soon as my dad took a gentle step towards him, he swallowed the wrapper whole, licked his lips, pant-smiled, and then took off down the hall with his tail between his legs. That silly dog. That's the first time we learned he had an iron stomach. He didn't get sick. We saw the wrapper, intact, the next day. Maybe that was too much information...

So now it's Halloween again.. a crisp fall day here in the Boston area, with most leaves now starting to change, probably convinced to get going after the SNOWFALL of less than 48 hours ago (hard to believe). I'm kind of bummed that I have to spend almost all day in class, but hey, that's what I'm here for, so I'll make the most of it. The festivities will start when the sun goes down.. oh, yes, my friend..

Alito.. or, as they say, "Scalito"

2005-10-31T08:09:00.000-05:00

So Sam Alito is the next SCOTUS nominee. You always have to wonder if he was actually second-string to Harriet Miers and then was put in after Miers wilted under the heat from both sides. I'm listening to this guy speak right now - sounds like an upstanding gentleman, but I can't wait to see what comes out in the hearings. Something tells me there won't be the same kind of resistance in the beginning this time - if anything, the White House will grease the wheels as much as it can. Seems like Bush and his small executive army have already done that with Alito's nomination, as if to say, "You want a paper trail? I'll give you a paper trail. You want a true conservative, in the mold of Scalia? You got it. You want experience? How 'bout this: assistant to the U.S. Solicitor General, United States Attorney for the District of New Jersey, Circuit Judge on the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Third Circuit for 15 years.. what more do you need to know, Senate?" That's what I'm thinking Bush had in mind with this one. At this point, I don't know what to say.. you never know what kind of justice a nominee will turn out to be, even in terms of political views and how s/he votes. Think O'Connor, Souter, even Blackmun and Earl Warren. Will Democrats dig in against him, and will Republicans dig in for him? If so, I think that's really sad. I wish we could just get a reasonable judge who doesn't vote politically. That's probably impossible, but I still think it would be nice.

You know "Alito" means "breath" in Italian. At the end of the day, will we be saying "Gli puzza l'alito" or "Gli profuma l'alito"? We'll find out soon enough...

Hey, just heard that this guy was a dissenter in Planned Parenthood v. Casey. Uh-oh!!

Return of the snow

2005-10-29T15:29:00.000-04:00

It's snowing. I have proof.. hard to believe that it's Saturday afternoon, October 29, and as I gaze out my window I see snow once again pouring from the sky, now just over a month into the fall. I wonder if it's a sign of things to come, or if it's just another freakish episode from the always-mysterious Mother Nature.

The snow began late this morning/early this afternoon, if I recall.. I went out to do a little shopping just when a few "teaser" snowflakes were starting to come down.. after all, the forecast was for a mix of rain and snow showers throughout the day, so that was no surprise. When I left the store, there were definitely a few more serious flakes on their way to the ground. As I trudged back to my little corner of the world, the snow became heavier and heavier - good thing I remembered my cap because otherwise it would have gotten caught right up in my bushy eyebrows! I couldn't help but take a picture as soon as I got back, which was just before 2 this afternoon. I decided to make gingerbread (in the oven now). The snow became heavier and heavier, and I instinctively bumped my informal "Snowy Day" mix - a little Tchaikovsky, plus Ella Fitzgerald with those nice little wintry hits of hers. It's really been a pretty sight. People are actually excited about it - I heard a mother whisper to her children, "Guys, it's snowing!" Even she seemed pleased at the first snowfall, despite the place on the calendar (I mean, snow before Halloween? You gotta be kidding me, right). And to think that if the Red Sox had made the World Series and it had gone to Game 6, the game would have been played tonight at Fenway. Looking out there now, I almost think to myself, "Yeah, right..."

The snow wasn't supposed to stick, but it's making a strong effort. There's a light coating on the bushes and lawns, plus puddles forming in the streets because it's still above freezing (though down to 33 deg. right now). No wind. Just snow. Lots of snow.

A few minutes ago I couldn't help but head back outside, catch a few snowflakes on my tongue, and whirl around like a little kid, lost- even for a few seconds - in my own little winter wonderland. That was great. Can't wait to do it again.

That was quick

2005-10-28T23:25:00.000-04:00

My time in D.C. has come to an end, at least for now. I was hoping to blog a little more.. if only I'd found out about the free Internet in the hotel earlier than last night, I might have just run wild and blogged to my weary heart's content. Probably just as well, though - I only had a limited amount of time, so I tried to make the most of it and explore a few places and see a few things for the first time. All in all, I'd say it was a pretty good trip.

I was very sorry to hear about Rosa Parks. That was one truly great American.

Quickly shifting gears, is there any coincidence to the similarity of the names "Liddy" and "Libby," or am I just really reaching on that one?

I had this crush when I was in third grade. She's 25 today. I don't know where she is, but I hope she's doing well.

Before leaving today, I took a little stroll through McPherson Square and then over to the National Geographic headquarters, where I had the pleasure of spending some quality time back in late May of 1995. I peeked into the auditorium where I learned that Pashtu and Dari were the official languages of Afghanistan, as Chris Galeczka taught so many of us. I went into the big cafeteria where we had the massive get-together - the "closing ceremonies," if you will, and then over to the table where I met Robin. It was totally quiet in there today. I could only hear the whirr of the air ventilation unit and distant voices in the lobby. Sure enough, though, my mind went back to the time when I went over to Robin (I even remember where she was sitting - right next to her teacher) and asked her for her mailing address hoping that we could stay in touch. We did.

Robin was awesome and I wish her well.

Forgot to mention that I stopped by the Metropolitan A.M.E. Church on M St NW before going to National Geographic. It was great to have the chance to go in there and check it out, even for just a quick sec. I later learned that Rosa Parks's body will also be making a visit to the church come Halloween morning. I wish I could have known that when I went inside. I would have prayed harder.

Took a walk down by the White House on my way back to the hotel to get my back and head outta town - but got to take a picture of a Filipina in front of the White House. I then showed her the back of the 20 dollar bill, which features the same view we were checking out together. She and I were both surprised to see that even the four cables hanging down supporting the large lantern over the front entrance are in the engraving on the $20.

This was all after a few Presidential helicopters (at least painted that shade of green) had whirred overhead.

Today was not such a great day for the occupants of the White House.

Backtracking.. with a little free time yesterday afternoon, I decided to take a long walk. I walked over by the White House, down past Constitution Hall, past the Zero milestone, and then all the way down Pennsylvania Avenue to the Capitol. I went and had a seat behind the fountain that's flanked by the two grand staircases, where I made a few cell phone calls under the watchful eye of two Capitol security guards standing at the stair landings. Trying to fit a hill into my walk, I decided I might as well make Capitol Hill my incline for the day, so I took a clockwise trip around the building, along the path through the Capitol Grounds, then up by Constitution and the Senate office buildings, then hanging a right onto First St NE and heading past the Supreme Court building (of course, stopping to marvel at the engravings on the massive doors and pondering what was going on in there, as well as to listen to the flags on the poles by the fountains on either side of the giant "porch" flapping in the wind. Jefferson building of the Library of Congress next up, then right onto Independence and the House office buildings, then back onto the Capitol grounds and around to the fountain where I started. That's where I had the pleasure of watching the sunset. I thought back to 43 years ago, when then-Defense Secretary Bob McNamara marvelled at the D.C. sunset, wondering if he would ever see another one because that day - a record cold day in the District, by the way - marked the greatest tension of the Cuban Missile Crisis (and thank God it was "defused" the following morning). It was a really nice sunset. I'll never forget the deep reddish-orange glow the Sun cast on the gleaming white stone of the Capitol. "Classic autumn" might be an apt description.

I think I'm starting to fade. I will return to blog again before too long. Of this I am reasonably sure.

Back to the D.C. drawing board

2005-10-25T14:43:00.000-04:00

So I'm back in the building I used to live in, back on the same floor where I did a huge amount of writing in a bound notebook back in the summer of 2003.. come to think of it, I'm actually blogging from the same room where I wrote my first word in this bound notebook - I'm pretty sure it was July 14, 2003 (oddly enough, the same day Robert Novak's column was published in the Chicago Sun-Times, the "leak" column that touched off the hottest scandal swirling around town now, at least on the federal government side of the bread). Good times, good times - I never thought I would feel so inspired just writing things out longhand, in handwriting I could barely read some of the time but that I felt close to most of the time. Amazing that that all went down more than two years ago - not so long in the broad scheme of things. Figuratively, I'm in what seems like an entirely different place now.. even though physically I'm literally right back where I was.

For some reason, I really love days like this. It's a rainy Tuesday autumn afternoon here in D.C. The leaves on the trees haven't all changed color (some are still summer green), but the trees that have started the transition are really putting on a show.

Wilma is spinning off the coast. Not sure what Alpha is doing, and still amazed that they actually ran out of names for Atlantic tropical storms this year.. or why they skipped over names starting with X, Y, and Z. If they'd named Hurricane Wilma "Hurricane Xenophobia" instead, it might have avoided populated areas. That's probably the worst wisecrack I've ever made.. please forget about it if you just read it because I meant no disrespect and didn't mean to use "humor" that's drier than a chinook, as one person put it. Still, you have to marvel at the awesome power of Mother Nature and the bizarre turn of meteorological and climate events we've seen this year. It hurts to think about it - reminds you that there's a higher power out there, and that (no way global warming doesn't have at least something to do with what's happening. No way) so often you have to fight the very same monsters you helped to create. Isn't that something.

I came down here yesterday to visit, going with the T and the Metro even though I probably could have taken cabs and gone for a reimbursement. I can't help it, though. I mean, I'm not a penny pincher, but I just really hate spending more than I have to when I know all the reasonable alternatives and, let's say, their attendant circumstances. So far so good, I'd say. Had a great time, just trying to rest up and finding I've been much more tired than I thought I would be.. so with interviews coming up I have to bring my A game and not inadvertently do a Sleepy imitation.. or any of the other six dwarves, for that matter. Speaking of interviews, omigoodnessgracious I had a TERRIBLE dream this morning, which took place sometime between 7:30 and 9, which is when I got up for good (I almost never sleep that late these days, for some reason). I dreamt that I was incredibly late for one interview and then got "tangled up" talking to people at that one so that I was then incredibly late for ANOTHER interview across town (this was in a city that turned out to be very much like a cross between Washington, D.C. and Boston. Go figure).. as I rushed to try to get to that one, I got a very stern talking to from the hiring partner at this first place. She was very disappointed, saying she had to give me dismal marks because I couldn't handle myself. She seemed genuinely upset, as if she thought I had potential but now had no choice but to fail me. Then I got a call from someone at this other place who resembled one of the people who interviewed me a few weeks ago. He was also very upset - I asked him if there was anything I could do and that I had the entire rest of the day free and could stay as long as he needed me to be there, even though I was now running more than an hour behind. He said, "Well, you've already missed three interviews, so I really don't know what you can do at this point." He was annoyed the same way the hiring partner had been, in the sense that he had high expectations for me that were dashed in the blink of an eye. I was heading over there just thinking, "Salvage what you can and look forward to tomorrow, because these two are totally sunk. Sorry, big guy - you blew it, and you've learned your lesson. At least you've learned your lesson." That's all I can remember - I was running down a hill, in my suit and shoes that were becoming more uncomfortable with every stride, sweating, exhausted, embarrassed, ashamed, and literally feeling sick to my stomach that I had actually allowed what was happening to happen, even after telling myself over and over and over what I needed to do.. and then I woke up with a huge sigh of relief. It's amazing how good it feels to know that something seemingly so awful was only a dream after all.

After I woke up, I started thinking about what the dream had taught me and what it had revealed about my mindset. I think it demonstrated that I'm more nervous than I think I am, even though I actually enjoy interviewing. It also underscored that I really hate (and I mean "hate") being late for ANYTHING, no matter what it is. Finally, it taught me that I put a huge premium on preparation - even though I don't agree with the BSA's exclusionary policies, I totally agree with their motto, "Semper paratus." That's extremely important to me. So I did get something positive out of the dream - notice I'm not calling it a nightmare, even though most people would probably call it a nightmare. What's strange at this point is why I'm blogging about it instead of just talking to myself the way I usually do. I mean, you, reading this, even if you're me at some future point - do you really care? I feel like I'm wasting eyeball movements or vocal cord vibrations or eardrum vibrations, or some combination of the three. My bad on that!

Still raining here in D.C., in the back room. When I was here a few years ago, this building really felt like home. Really.

This is a time when I have way too many bloggable thoughts and I just can't seem to keep them all under control. I'll come back to this another time not too long from now. The time has come for me to get down to business, just try to get a few base hits and RBIs, and then see how things look when it's all said and done. In short, I am on a mission, a very small jaunt on a much larger venture. I'm gonna go for it. Not trying to drive the green, mind you (I've been there before - sometimes I've made it on, but most of the time I've hit it right into the water).. just trying to play smart and give myself and my team the best chance to win. That's my job in life, anyway.

And the saga crossroadses continue here in our beloved District of Columbia.

Dreamriding

2005-10-21T20:44:00.000-04:00

So today was a good day, and a milestone at that, but for the very first time. I had a class this morning, during which I was more than a little distracted (I mean, I have notes from the class to prove I was there and paying attention to what was being said and what was being taught.. well, sorta) because I was thinking ahead to the ride I had been considering for quite some time. When I got up earlier today, I realized that today would be the day. Clear to partly cloudy skies (high haze/high clouds), very light breezes, temperatures cool but not too cold, air not so humid but not parched. At first, I wasn't so sure I would go for the ride - it was a long one for me, on terrain I had never seen, and with a series of directions that could get totally thrown off by bad signage, which just runs so rampant around here it's almost like a joke. I'm not kidding. Anyway, as I walked out of class, I thought, you gotta do this, man. This could be the last chance you get for a while - besides, anything else you would do today wouldn't be even 27% as interesting as a "big" ride (subjectively speaking). So I loaded up my water bottle and filled my pockets with energy bars and hopped on my bike just before 11 a.m. A little chilly at first with temps around 50 and light winds (I should have gone with the long sleeves!), but not unbearable. My bike lock actually fell off, bracket and all, when I got to the Porter Square area, after which a pickup truck ran over it and pretty much destroyed it. A passer-by tossed it for me. I was a little upset, but it wasn't all that great anyway. Undeterred, I continued on, this time taking the right turn that I had missed a few days ago. I made my way up through Arlington, then around the Mystic Lakes to Winchester, then over to Woburn, through Woburn, Burlington, Billlerica, Lowell, and then... New Hampshire. Riding the backroads clear up to New Hampshire had been my dream, and at 1:39 p.m. this afternoon I actually got there - I'm pretty sure that's the first time I've crossed a state line on a bike. Anywayz, I kept pedaling and made my way up into New Hampshire, then doubled back and took the windy and narrow country roads back down into the Merrimack River Valley and through Lawrence. The scenery was absolutely spectacular - another piece of my motivation for doing the ride. The trees hadn't all changed, but those undergoing the heart of the process were putting on brilliant displays, almost shimmering in the afternoon sunlight. I tried to appreciate the fall colors as much as I could, remembering that people come from miles around just to see these same trees do their thing. I cruised around downtown Lawrence for a few minutes, just checking out the big mills and warehouses down by the river (which is swollen, by the way, thanks to the recent rains that drenched New England for days on end) - they're HUGE, but some are less well-maintained than others, with windows blown out and mortar starting to chip away from between the bricks. By the time I had almost gotten myself lost on the more-or-less grid layout of downtown Lawrence, I decided not to take any more chances and head on back. Rolling hills all the way. Andover, with the academy, then North Reading, Reading, Stoneham, Malden, Medford, Cambridge... and plenty of fall colors along the way. The colors seemed to get even deeper as the sun sank lower in the sky - there's something about the sunlight hitting the leaves at a lower angle that just brings all the color out splendidly. Of course, I took another wrong turn (if the SIGNAGFE had been a little better, I might have actually stuck to my own directions I had so carefully plotted!) and ended up having to "feel" my way back. I managed to do it, but only because I had a little more sunlight to work with - if the sun had set I don't know what I would have done. I stopped and got a new lock on the way back, and then I rolled on back to the place I had started after having pedaled for hours on end, gone through a whole bunch of energy bars and rejuvenating liquids, and had legs so rubbery I could hardly make them go any further. I had my usual Tour de France fantasies during the ride, also thinking this time that all I was doing would pretty much be a "basic" ride for those guys - they'd probably do it on a rest day! - but I still enjoyed it. I found it challenging, scenic, informative, surprising, and (of course) incredibly rewarding.

Now I don't feel all that hot.. trying to spend a quite night just blogging a little bit and maybe making a couple of phone calls and.. well, there goes my overambition again! I'm supposed to play in a softball tournament tomorrow morning, but I just hope I can actually get out of bed, much less walk, much less run, etc.! The soreness isn't all that bad now, but in a few hours and after a few hours of rest, oh, man - I don't even want to think about it. It's gonna hurt - that goes without saying - but given that I just went on what was, in the PR sense, something like the "ride of my life" so far, there's no telling just how much of a hit my body below the waist took. I mean, maybe I won't be able to move! I hope it doesn't turn out that way. Whatever happens, I have to mentally prepare myself to play through the pain. Weekend softball, of all things! Play through the pain? I guess I'll find out what that means tomorrow - hopefully in a merciful way - if I can manage to get myself over there. Time will tell.

OK, so I shouldn't over-blog. Maybe there is no such thing, but you kind of know when you're blogging too much. And this entry might count as excessive blogging for more people than one. With that.. more to come, shortly, I hope.. meanwhile, the ride almost feels like it didn't even happen, like it really was a dream. Kind of like Carlton Fisk's famous Game 6 homer 30 years ago tonight...

Blogophobia

2005-10-20T20:16:00.000-04:00

OK, so I took a day off yesterday (hopefully that's not the beginning of a pattern, the old familiar one where you say you'll do something the next day, then don't quite get around to it and put it off until the weekend, then the next week, then the next month, then whenever you have time again, which is usually just whenever you either suddenly feel like doing it again or feel guilty for not having done it in such a long time. This little scenario applies to lots of activities and adventures) so I could think of the longest parenthetical written in the English language since 1974 or thenabouts. Also, I was struck by a sudden jolt of "blogophobia." After sending an email yesterday, which was probably way too long (then again, I'm pretty critical), I started thinking to myself, "You know, Chris, you say nobody reads your blog. And that's probably true. But what if there really is someone reading it? Who is it? What is the person thinking? What if you say something that seems innocuous but then comes back to haunt you?" So I took a break, just to compose myself a little more, not ready to take on the blogosphere again just yet. I'm obviously feeling a little better now, but I still get the jitters. I used to work as a studio engineer at my undergrad university radio station, before I became a broadcaster and took on an administrative role. Right in front of the board I used to run when I was down there, posted upon the glass, were four sheets of paper, each with one word scrawled in either red colored pencil or red ink (can't remember which): "THERE'S ALWAYS SOMEONE LISTENING." We all got the message. But that little reminder comes back to me whenever I jump on the blog to add more verbal clutter (or, as some would say, "word salad") - there's always someone reading. Trouble is, broadcasting is instantaneous - if you miss it the first time and it wasn't recorded, then it's just a figment of the past. But with a blog, even if you don't see it right away, you can go all the way back in the trail and find every word ever posted in the blog (like me just a few minutes ago, for instance - I was looking at an entry I posted exactly a year ago. Ah, to be 23 again). So I gotta metaphorically watch my back.

Hooray for the Houston Astros and the Chicago White Sox. The former have never been to the Fall Classic. The latter haven't won it since 1917 and haven't been in it since 1959.. some say they should have won it in 1919 but deliberately lost it in what came to be known as the "Black Sox Scandal." Horrific, for sure. Still, that was SO last century - I'm happy for these guys. Also, at least on paper, it's shaping up to be a great matchup.

Ending cryptically: Sometimes I just can't tell. I wish I could, but I can't. Sometimes I can write but I can't read.

Now I have to go learn, like a sponge

Yasukuni

2005-10-18T10:31:00.000-04:00

So I hear Junichiro Koizumi and about a hundred other Japanese government officials visited Yasukuni Shrine. This would be his fifth visit since 2001. Pardon me for taking a stand here - and, trust me, I have nothing against Japan - it's just that going there again is such a terrible thing to do, and he knows that, yet he just keeps on doing it. It's unbelievable that government leaders aren't more sensitive about that kind of thing, preferring instead to just inflame millions of people and give them more reasons to hate you. Just take Ariel Sharon with his visit to what Israelis call the Temple Mount and Palestinians call Haram el-Sharif, back in late September of 2000. He knew that that was really going to piss off millions of people, with whom his government had almost forged a real breakthrough not too long before, and he did it anyway. And then there's Koizumi, choosing to pour salt on old and deep wounds that will still take a long, long time to heal at this rate. He could have expressed regret the first time he went to the Shrine, and possibly even explained why (some say it's to please conservatives, but honestly [and maybe naively, but so be it], he's got the sway to call a special election to take virtual control of the Diet and push through his plan to privatize the Japanese postal system). But he didn't. He salted the wounds the first time. And then he did it again. And again. And again. And again. You have to wonder why, in the face of such atrocious history and the devastation and the terror, Koizumi would decide to do something he knows will create even deeper divisions. At the end of the day, that's the kind of thing that might win political battles and inflame passions, but it definitely loses wars. You can defeat persons one by one, but you can't defeat a people. (that's disputable, but I have a whole arsenal of arguments to bolster it!)

I feel bad for all involved in this. I think it's perfectly fine for Koizumi to pay tribute to Japan's losses in World War II - after all, almost every country that has fought in a major war does such a thing in some way, and war is always a terrible thing, even if you "win" (another contention that I'm prepared to dispute). Paying tribute to Class A war criminals is just another stab (almost literally) at all of East Asia, especially China and South Korea (and even at the United States - Japanese soldiers/officers committed war crimes against our forces, too). That's really sad. I wish I had an explanation for why the shrine visit has now turned into an annual event and why it continues.. but it's a total mystery, one puzzle I just can't solve.

2005-10-18T07:22:00.000-04:00

I am basking in the early morning, mostly cloudy serenity, as I have done so many other days and tried to appreciate, but never quite this much (via blogging about it).

On Quakes, etc.

2005-10-17T09:34:00.000-04:00

I'll never forget what happened sixteen years ago today. I was an eight-year-old kid trying to get my last little assignment done so I could watch Game 3 of the World Series that afternoon. I was sitting at a desk sketching a mitt on a piece of graph paper according to instructions our teacher had given us that day. Suddenly, the whole house started shaking violently. I knew it was the big one, and I knew what to do because I had already rehearsed it in my mind. I was oddly familiar with earthquakes, not only because I had lived in San Francisco all my life up to that point, but also because my own birthday was the anniversary of the earthquake that led to San Francisco's destruction in 1906. At 5:04 p.m. that afternoon, I wondered if we were in the middle of the next big one. I was under another, sturdier desk in the corner of the room, shaking from the earthquake and trembling with fear (making the earthquake even stronger from my own perspective). I looked up at the bookcase, shaking back and forth, and I immediately thought to myself, "My God, this is it! Was it really this bad back in 1906?" (in terms of magnitude that one was far worse) and wondering when it would stop. A voice called out to me from downstairs, "Chris! Chris! Come downstairs, quickly!" Without thinking (of course, I should have stayed under the desk, but fear always overrides rationality in the extreme), I bolted out from under the desk and felt like I went down the stairs without even touching them with my feet. For some reason, I remember the way the afternoon sunlight gave the stairway a kind of serene autumn glow, even as the walls seemed to be closing in from both sides. I made it downstairs, where I found my brother and our babysitter waiting on the front doorstep, with the door wide open. By the time I joined them, the shaking had stopped and burglar alarms were clanging like crazy all over the neighborhood. My brother was there, with his blankie. He, the babysitter, and I all gave each other a big hug, still shaking with fear and shock and concern about what was going on (and, at least for my brother and me, where our parents were and whether they were alright). We knew it was a big one. We just didn't know what the aftermath would be like (I dreaded the aftershocks, though - I was so rattled that I slept in my parents' bed with them that night. That was the last time I did that). It was a life-and-scene altering event - the Bay Area would never be the same. But other than that, it was still a beautiful day.

I think that's probably one of my clearest memories. I really do remember it like it was yesterday.

Now, though, my experience really does seem like child's play in the face of all the horrific natural disasters we, the people of the world, have seen over the course of only the past ten months, including another huge earthquake in Pakistan only nine days ago. The devastation is almost unfathomable, almost apocalyptic. You just can't believe anything like this could actually happen, again and again and again. Nature is so powerful, so beautiful and yet so terrible. And there's nothing you can do about her except respect her and try to prepare and conduct yourself so that she doesn't get you the next time. It's chilling, and it's confusing - one of those things we as human beings want so much to understand, but we just can't, no matter how hard we try.

Of course, my heart goes out to all...

On another note (no pun intended), the great Chopin passed away on this date back in 1849, at Place Vendome 10 in Paris. That guy was definitely one of my favorite composers ever. I still love to play his music, and I always have. You might say he made a hopeless romantic out of me and so many others.. and today I should thank him for the beautiful musical legacy he left to generations worldwide. Goes to show that music is the gift that really does keep on giving. According to the song we used to sing way back in Kindergarten, "All things shall perish from under the sky / Music alone shall live / Music alone shall live / Music alone shall live / And never die."

Today's also the birthday of at least two of my good friends and the young son of the assistant of one of my childhood doctors. Happy Birthday to all of them!

So much wrapped up into history, and I was only talking about October 17. That's just one day out of 365.25. It's hard enough to even keep pace these days. Some might say that the beginning is in the end and the end is in the beginning. I can see that, but I like to think of existence itself as totally continuous, with no such thing as a beginning and an end (if so, then moment contains at least one simultaneous beginning and ending). That is, nothing really "begins" and nothing really "ends"; instead, everything changes.

Autumn Leaves

2005-10-16T10:12:00.000-04:00

After nine days of cloudiness, it's now a beautiful day. Partly cloudy, breezy, with brilliant sunshine peeking in and out of the stratified cumulous clouds as they drift lazily overhead. It's really nice.

An autumn leave just drifted by my window, glowing in the sunlight. It rose up in the wind, twirled around a couple of times, and then quickly exited stage left, blowing by a few other windows, possibly on its way to the ground or maybe all the way up onto the roof (I live on the top floor of the building, so that's a ways for the leaf to rise up). Who knows? But it was a great reminder of fall as the leaf fluttered by, glowing in the mid-morning sunlight.

The smell of bacon is wafting into my room right now. Reminds me of when I was a little kid, way back when I wasn't a vegetarian (which I have now been for almost exactly seventeeen years - is that not unbelievably ridiculous? I keep saying I could have been six feet tall.. now I'll never know. Not even steroids would get me up there at this point. Maybe I oughtta turn off the fan so the room isn't over-baconized. I'm noticing right now that bacon doesn't smell quite as good to me as it once did, for some reason.

The seasons are so bizarre around here. Some of the trees are already putting on the exciting conclusion of their 2005 show. Others, like the tree just across the way, are still leafy and green like it's the middle of summer even though it's the middle of October (in just under two hours, anyway). Still, it's nice to know that you get to experience what this part of the nation is famous for just walking around town and looking for a few trees, which will undoubtedly give you a nice little color show for a few days.

What Took Ya So Long?

2005-10-15T23:37:00.000-04:00

After nine straight days of clouds and about two straight days of heavy rain, the sky has finally cleared. It didn't clear until after sunset, but it was still nice to walk outside after the gathering over at Holden Green (featuring a drawn-out, sometimes heated, but always useful and helpful, discussion on the current state of the Black community and accountability in our relationships with each other) and see the moon, nearly full, shining bright, not to mention the stars we hadn't seen for about a week and a half. That was awesome. Nine days and no sun for any of 'em.. and now there's a good chance the golden orb will give us another "Eccomi" tomorrow, at least sometime after its official "Eccomi" just before seven in the morning local time here.

I'm amazed I'm even blogging about that. You'd think I'd be used to long stretches with no sun, since I grew up in San Francisco and went through many a foggy summer. Still, even when the fog poured in and blanketed the western half of the City where I grew up, all I had to do was go downtown, over to the East Bay, or a little ways down the Peninsula, and I would find bright sunshine. That said, I have rarely spent nine straight days without seeing the sun.. in my whole life, I think. It's not really a big deal. There are some places where I'm sure it's cloudy more than half the time, period. There are times when the sun is shining but it's either blazing hot or bitterly cold, and that's not so nice. But this is the time of year when you have a good chance to feel the gracious rays of the Sun warming you up from an average of 93 million miles away. That is something powerful, right there.

Yesterday's trip to the club in driving rain reminded me of how much I miss playing music. Those guys were so into it, up in the back against the wall. Reminded me of my time playing the Coffee House and La Maison Française back in the day (in fact, I played La Maison for the first time six years ago tonight and went on to play at a whole series of Cafe Nights, some of the highlights of my four undergrad years. I really loved that, more than I realized at the time, until I wasn't doing it anymore and wanted to go back, even for just one night, just one set, just one tune, so I could bring that feeling back). The trumpeter was leaning against the wall, nonchalantly blasting out sixteenth-note sequences like he was half-asleep (that, my friend, was bad-@$$). The bassist was back by the door, literally digging in as he kept the rock-solid pulse of the group. The drummer was next to him, getting a full-body workout, naturally. And then there was the piano player who reminded me so much of myself when I was in my late teens. He had glasses, was sitting more or less upright at the piano, stoically laying down the voicings and rocking out on the solos (not that I rocked out, but I got into it, man!), sitting at an upright piano right up against a brick wall in the back, just like the piano I used to play at the Coffee House. I loved that. It was actually a lot like the time I got to play at the small coffee house in Manhattan (Cake-O, I think it's called) over Thanksgiving weekend last year.. that was awesome, and it was totally impromptu, and it was with an old friend (as in longtime) and a now-good friend (as in trusted) supporting me, which was even better. But yeah, I miss the music. I wish there were just a few more hours in the day. I wish I had a set of keys right here, right now.. I would swivel around and start to play, holding another personal therapy session and just letting my expression run out through my finger strokes and run wild, hopefully following the lead of my spirit. I daydreamed about that last night, as the rain poured from the sky outside, the people packed the small joint, and the band bathed us in a creative sea of expression. I was there with two now-old friends (as in longtime), just sitting back and shooting the breeze, having political discussions, talking about our favorite music, talking about playing together (I play keys, one of the guys sings, and one of the guys plays guitar). It was really a beautiful experience.

Then I had to make my way back in the driving rain. That wasn't all that much fun, but it was an adventure (especially with the rowdy, loudmouth kids riding in the back, who broke into a boisterous "Happy Birthday" right after we crossed the bridge and right after the clock struck midnight. Amazing that was earlier today, technically speaking. Anywayz, it was all a nice little adventure. And you know me - I'm always looking for a good adventure. My existence would be pretty frickin' boring if I didn't seek out as much adventure as I do.. luckily for my sometimes-selfish ego, I haven't had to look far to find adventure lately.

This blog is an adventure in and of itself, ¿no?

OK, back to it. More later, of course.. ah yes, my friends ;-)

Ruddiness

2005-10-14T10:11:00.000-04:00

It's still dark, and it's mid-morning. Still no sunshine. Just rain, rain, and even more rain. I'm trying not to complain - I would take this over bitter cold or punishing heat just about any day (oddly enough, I've found myself in both situations this year). Of course, it could be much worse. It probably will be much worse, not even all that long from now...

Speaking of wild swings in climate, they're saying 2005 could be the second or third hottest year on record, all depending on the weather for the rest of the year in Siberia. Not so surprising given the huge amount of fossil fuel humanity gassifies, but that's still a pretty sobering prediction. Amazing that in this same year New England had one of its most severe blizzards in years. Then again, it's just a small corner of the vast globe. It's almost like it's just as hot in one place as it is cold in another, even though that doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

Not much of what I say makes a whole lot of sense, at least not at this hour.

Word salad by itself is not all that bad, but when it sits in the refrigerator for days and weeks on end it's just not gonna be as good later on.. and that's kind of how I'm thinking of this blog right about now.

This is the one I like to call "Mach Day," for Mr. Chuck Y. beating out the speed of sound on this day way back in 1947.

William the Conqueror and his gigantic Norman posse also had a good day today.

I hope you have a good day today, too...

Hold Your Blingue

2005-10-13T11:42:00.000-04:00

From the OCS website:

Think Before You Blog

The internet can be a great resource in your job search process, however it is a two-way street. Just as you can use the internet to research firms, firms can also log on to research students. While most of you are aware of stories about inappropriate emails that have taken on lives of their own (leading eventually to the unemployment of its author), we wanted to remind you that personal websites or discussion boards are no less immune from career consequences.

Personal websites and discussion boards often cultivate a casual atmosphere where anything can be said. However, blogs can be easily “googled” and some employers have even made it standard policy to perform an internet search of potential employees. Employees have been fired for postings on their personal websites that their employers deemed insulting, or even simply inappropriate.

Remember that the First Amendment only restricts the government from taking any action to restrict free speech. Short of workplace discrimination laws, private employers who hire their employees at will (i.e., law firms) have few restrictions when it comes to why they hire or fire.

There are no geographic limitations and potentially no time limits on internet posts. Future employers may not care that it’s been five years since you were indiscreetly critical of your former boss. Sarcastic comments, jokes or gripes among friends can often look less innocuous to an unintended audience or under different circumstances. So above all: think before you write.

Students should be aware of certain guidelines when blogging:

•	Think carefully about the value of listing your blog on your resume – does your blog reveal anything that may make you attractive to potential employers? If not, it is probably best to leave it off.
•	Avoid any content in your blog (including photos or links) that is inappropriate for a business audience or that could be considered libelous or an infringement of copyright laws. Above all, never divulge any information that is privileged or would be considered a trade secret.
•	Never use firm computers to blog.
•	Consider blogging anonymously (although this is not necessarily failsafe), or restricting your audience.
•	Find out if your firm has a blogging policy; some employers encourage blogging as a way of generating publicity, but they will have guidelines as to what is acceptable.

So then we have the callback issue.. I've been fortunate enough to have a few folks call me back. Others have either given me nothing or sent me one of those small, thin envelopes that is an acceptance letter about 0.8% of the time and a rejection letter the remaining 99.2% of the time. Sure, it's tough enough to bat a thousand with these guys, but you have to wonder if the answer to the question, "Why didn't so-and-so call me back" could be "It's the blog, stupid."

I will definitely think before I blog, much more deeply and pensively from now on.. even though I KNOW nobody reads this thing anyway, I just can't tell if someone from a firm will stumble upon this blog at 3:30, start blogging, and then have his/her eyes thrust forward from their sockets a la "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" or something like that. I hope it doesn't get to that point. Then again, too late now. Once it's out in the open, I can't reel it back in - cyberspace is just too big for that. Sigh.

We've now gone almost a week with no sunshine. Now I know why they call it New England (but New Scotland might have been a more accurate name given times like these being not uncommon)...

Sleepy Apollo

2005-10-12T11:14:00.000-04:00

I blog at the most bizarre times. Can't really explain why I'm doing it right now. I probably shouldn't be, to tell the truth, yet I'm doing it anyway, breaking the basic rules. Well, sort of. Could be that I'm doing this just to pass the time - strangely enough, I don't really feel bored. I just feel tired. I'm in a soporific environment right now, so I almost can't help myself. Plus this chair is pretty cozy for a desk chair, even though I'm at a long table. I have to think I'm multitasking right now.. I've been doing a fair amount of that at least for the past few years, but am I efficient in my multitasking? Am I any better at it than I was not too long ago?

Maybe I really am bored. Someone once told me (or maybe I read somewhere - honestly I can't tell these days, since I talk to so many different people and read just about everything I can get my hands on, almost compulsively - that's doing wonders for my vision, for sure) that boredom is healthy, especially because there's so much stimulation out there and so much going on, all of which is somehow competing for your attention. I still don't like it, though - I always feel like there's something I could be doing at any given moment, and that if I'm just spending it doing nothing (and not even resting), then I'm seeing valuable time and opportunities vanish. Or at least I could be. Biggest problem is that when I feel even a little bit bored, I start to worry about being bored and possibly becoming even more bored the longer I just sit around, which makes it even worse. Then again, I should probably take my own advice. Someone recently told me she was bored and asked me if she would make it through the rest of the day at work, and I told her that all she had to do was think about something that made her happy and watch the time melt away. I actually do that quite a bit - I can daydream like nobody's business. I like to think I could do low-intensity thinking all day every day.

Something tells me the word "I" appears way too much in this blog. I should try blogging about other stuff, doncha think?

Money doesn't (necessarily) buy championships

2005-10-11T09:33:00.000-04:00

Sooo.. this is the time of year when the baseball postseason either starts to get really interesting or really boring. For a few years there, it was always the same teams in the LCS and, often enough, in the World Series. This year we have a rematch of last year's NLCS and two entirely new teams in the ALCS, which gives us the really interesting story...

What happened this year just goes to show that money doesn't necessarily buy championships, with the two teams with the highest payrolls in baseball - more than $300 million (yeah, that's right: MILLION. Think about that for a second. Two baseball teams. Three hundred million dollars. And that's just the players' salaries! Pretty unbelievable that you can pay a whole bunch of athletes to play a game for six months that children also play competitively. What a hail of a job) - both getting bounced out in the first round.

Last Friday, the Red Sox were the first to go in the Battle of the Sox. The same team that rallied from three games down in the ALCS last year to win the last four games and then sweep the World Series from the St. Louis Cardinals (who were for real, BTW, going 105-57 last season), was itself swept in three games by the resurgent Chicago White Sox, including a blowout in the first game. Folks around here weren't all that pleased with the outcome, but you might say they're used to it, seeing as postseason success has been, well, elusive for Boston since the early 20th Century. No doubt "Shoeless" Joe Jackson is watching from somewhere. Who knows whether Ozzie Guillen and his South Side boyz will be the ones to break the Sox' dry spell. Meanwhile, the Red Sox seem to want someone - anyone - to "say it ain't so," even though you have to admit this year's matchup will be a juicy one.

And then there were the mighty Yankees, with their high-flying payroll of over $200 million, taking on the team with the most ridiculous name in baseball, the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Let me just say a little something about that - sorry for the aside. Pardon me, but that's such a cop-out. That's kind of like the Golden State Warriors refusing to claim Oakland, but it would be something like those guys calling themselves the San Francisco Warriors of Oakland. Make that the San Jose Warriors of Oakland (nothing against San Jo', but they are the bigger city by the numbers - I give 'em that!). I've had a hard time respecting these guys for at least the past few years, ever since they beat my beloved San Francisco Giants in seven games in the 2002 Series. They didn't even have Vlad back then. But they're good. Even in '02, they had to get past the Twins (LCS) and the Yankees, whom they eliminated in the LDS that year, too. First the California Angels, then the Anaheim Angels, and now the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Identity crisis, yeah, but the mad skillz are definitely there - enough to take down baseball's poster children.

Here's a little interlude: I'll never forget October 26, 2002, when Sammy and I were driving back from Pasadena a few hours after covering Stanford's game against the Bruins at the Rose Bowl. The Giants were leading Game 6 in the 7th inning, which we learned shortly after the football game. We had the chance to go watch the last part of the game, so we went into town and ducked into this little place on Colorado Boulevard.. filled with faux-Angels fans, of course (two months earlier, I bet you close to 100% of them would have been in Dodger Blue, if anything). We were feeling good, and the place was quiet because the Angels looked like they weren't going to pull it off that time. But then they came back. The place got livelier. We got quieter. The Angels won the game, forcing a Game 7 the following day. We left dejected, and as we rolled down the Santa Monica Freeway back to where we were staying out near the Ocean, I the wheelman and Sammy the wingman, we were both just shaking our heads trying to figure out what could have gone so wrong at such a bad time. We found out later what was going on - no shades of 1919, just a bullpen that gave it all they had, physically and literally, but was still overtaken by the Angels hitters. Amazing that was only three years ago.

Now, three years later, the Angels eliminate the Yankees again in five games. Quarter-billion-dollar guy A-Rod grounds into a DP. two batters later, Hideki Matsui, one of Japan's most celebrated sluggers, grounds out to end the game, the series, and the season for the Yankees, who have now spent probably close to a billion dollars over the past five seasons and have exactly ZERO championships to show for it! How 'bout THAT? Not trying to be sinister here, but it just goes to show that almost nothing is for certain when it comes to playing games. Or something like that.

So it will be some combination of Houston-Chicago-St. Louis-OC (might as well call them the OC Angels now). Juicy.

Meanwhile, the weather is turning sour. Not in a cold and bitter kind of way, but more in the gray, sour sense, a little like the smell of rotting milk behind the fridge that just never really seems to go away. Eventually you don't notice it, but then you notice it's still there in all its glory when someone reminds you. Rain for the next five days, they're saying. I mean, I'm used to it, being from San Francisco and from the foggy side of town, but that doesn't make it any better. In some ways, you never really get "used" to it.. that is, just 'cuz it's happening and you've experienced it before doesn't mean you like it! Sigh. Just another subtle reminder that you have to live in the moment and appreciate it and not take it for granted.

This is the ninth anniversary of the day I first drove a car.. and would you believe it was a Friday afternoon at rush hour? Those were the days, man. I'm going to celebrate by walking to class in a few minutes and trying not to get run over by one of these ridiculous Boston-area drivers.

The Other Vice

2005-10-10T09:47:00.000-04:00

One of my greatest weaknesses is my impulsiveness. Sometimes it's good (spontaneity), sometimes it's not so good (reactivity). I am much more "under control" now than I used to be, and I am not impulsive to excess or physically - that is, I never "lash out".. but for some reason I act much more on impulse and instinct than I should. It's a direct consequence of my lack of patience, which has also improved significantly but which is not all that great, particularly because I am least patient with myself. I have exemplified the problem itself through the act of blogging about it!

I am now in the process of learning, once again, the slow-and-not-as-hard-as-it-used-to-be-but-definitely-not-easy way, the consequences of acting on impulse.. not in the sense of benefit or harm, but mostly in the sense of waste-of-time. I'm talking about impulsiveness of the quixotic kind. Even Cervantes himself would probably say, "¡Que lastima!" upon seeing that I had not learned from my past mistakes, from which no one has really taken the hit but me.

Could be that I need to watch "The Godfather" again for an example of how impulsive action, in the form of a "hothead" (which I am not - that's for sure), can lead to total disaster.. Sonny just couldn't take it anymore after he heard Carlo beat up his sister (OK, I don't see how any brother could take that, but anyway, on with the story for the time being), so he decided to take matters into his own hands right then and fell right into the trap they had set for him.. at the causeway tollbooth. They blocked his car. Masked, gloved men armed to the teeth with machine guns jumped out from all sides. Shot him. Killed him. So impulsive action doesn't always get you riddled with bullets, but in some cases it can (figuratively, at least) have that effect.

Now, please don't get me wrong - I'm not Sonny. Never have been, never will be. But for someone as risk-averse as I am, you'd think I would have found a way to resolve all these contradictions that keep popping up a long time ago. I guess the most important thing is that I'm improving, and I actually am learning, even if the process has been a little slower than I would like. And in the process itself, my patience is increasing. And I think I'm starting to see the luminescence, and the right track, because of it. That's my hope, which keeps blazing like a pilot light.

Legal Consciousness

2005-10-09T01:23:00.000-04:00

I really should be in bed right now. It's a rainy early Sunday morning, and I'm trying to get rid of what I hope are the last vestiges of this little bug that struck me a few days ago. Instead, I'm being a very naughty boy, unable to resist the temptation to start blogging again. So here I am, still up, still kickin', with my desk lamp on, just bloggin away for probably no good reason.

I've really started to wonder if I've been missing something all these years, because now I feel that legal or law-related news is much more prevalent and much more important than I did before. I wonder if that comes from studying law. Well, actually, I'm sure it does, but I wonder why I never really noticed it before. For some reason, I feel like most well-informed citizens, at least of this country, are more or less up to date on the state of domestic legal affairs, but then again, I am in a giant bubble called the legal academic community. Seems like people around here almost worship Supreme Court justices like [false.. sorry, guys and gal[s??]] idols. I've tried not to get caught up in that, but in any case, for some reason I pay a lot more attention to stories on such-and-such a ruling or such-and-such a legislative issue in the news than I did before. My guess is that they were always there but that I subconsciously glossed over them. That was probably part of my internal resistance to being caught up in the law, which for years I was absolutely sure I wouldn't even touch with a ten-foot pole. Lawyers came across to me as some of the most miserable people (inwardly and outwardly) on earth, and I wanted no part of that. So how the hail did I end up here, you ask? Beats me, too.. I guess I just became really confident in my creativity and hoped I could use it to get to a good place, both professionally and spiritually. But anyway, those stories just keep popping up, and I'm surprised at myself. I sometimes wonder if I really am getting caught up in it, even though I swore at the beginning that I wouldn't allow that to happen.

Now I'm starting to scare myself.

You know that little doctrinal wrinkle that says mistake of law is not a defense because citizens are presumed to know the law? I guess it has to be that way, but is that really fair in all cases?

Is law itself really fair in all cases?

Isn't it kind of sad that we have to have laws in the first place, just to keep ourselves in line and fashion the kind of societies we want to live in these days? It's kind of too bad, I would say, because the more complex society becomes, the more law becomes necessary to keep the peace (I'm prepared to argue this, actually.. not belligerently, but just because as you expand your garden, you have to pay even more attention to the weeds to stop them from taking over the plot).. but then there just can't be a law for everything. Some people try to act like the law really does cover everything.. that's total B.S., and they know it, but they do it anyway.. and the rest of us are left standing around asking ourselves who really gets to legitimately say what the law is...

I might have an answer to that question 2, 5, 10, 20 years from now. Then again, I might not. I sort of doubt it. But I'll keep looking...

2005-10-08T16:43:00.000-04:00

You wanna talk about humid?! I'll give you humid, particularly for an unusually humid time of the year in this part of New England, or so they say. It's been raining all day, with temperatures in the low to mid 70's. The current air temperature in here is 77.5 degrees, with humidities ranging anywhere from 82% to 84% for the past several hours! Now that is some serious stickiness! Makes me that much more thankful for my window fan, which increases the humidity at times like these (I think it's even more humid outside) but at least gets the air circulating. It's so humid that some of the calendar cutout posters I've made are starting to wrinkle slightly.. so I'll probably have to put them up again as soon as the humidity and temperature both drop, which is supposed to happen not too long from now if the forecasters are on target. Still, it's interesting. You don't expect tropical conditions in early October in New England (at least not a neophyte like myself, this being my second fall spent in this part of the globe).. same as you don't expect wintry rainfall conditions in late May, which also happened.

I pray for those victimized by the major earthquake that struck Pakistan earlier today.. whenever there's a major earthquake, or any such natural disaster, it really hits close to home for me, given that I come from a place prone to natural disasters and have actually experienced a major, scene-changing, perspective-changing, life-changing earthquake.

For some reason, my window fan reminds me of an art studio or a warehouse window. Can't really explain why that is. Then again, my little corner of the world kind of doubles as an art studio and a warehouse - I have a whole bunch of stuff stored here, and if I don't create art, I at least engage the arts and try to cultivate my own versions of art.

It would help to have a Rhodes. Maybe someday soon.

Then again, you have to wonder what this kind of humidity and relatively high air temperature combination would do to a Rhodes. After all, as Dan O'Brien said, "It's not the heat that gets ya; it's the humidity!"

The Farmer's Walk

2005-10-07T15:39:00.000-04:00

Still trying to shake off this bug that has trespassed upon my person in that most Lockean of senses.. or something like that, anyway. My good friends at Pfizer have helped me out quite a bit so far. Anywayz, after being on panel this morning and having a halfway-decent batting average, I decided to go out on a little shopping spree a couple of miles away (or at least it seemed like a couple of miles). Everything fit into two paper bags (doubled up, though, because of the weight), which I had to carry all the way back "farmer's walk" style. That's why I don't really go to the gym all that often - I try to do it the natural way! I figured this afternoon was the best time to head over there, especially because if the forecast holds up then I will really be under the weather (as will all of us around here) not too long from now!

Flying a little lower

2005-10-06T20:57:00.000-04:00

OK, so I wasn't exactly flying high before, but I did get this air of invincibility. I might be making more of coming down with a little something (which could last 24 hours and could last a week or maybe even more!) than I should, but still, I think I've learned my lesson. Inadequate sleep, concern about staying on top of things with so much to take care of, imposed both externally and internally, have dragged me into a minor illness that should leave me at less than 100% for just a little while. Perfect timing, too, since I'm on panel tomorrow! But I'm gonna play through it! I started wondering why I got drowsy at 11 in the morning.. I loved being on an earlier schedule so I actually had a little time in the mornings, but my erratic sleep schedule and widely varying number of hours of sleep (as few as about four, as many as about 7 and a half or a full eight on a good night) have cost me a little bit. I've learned my lesson.. get plenty of rest! I was exercising, eating all kinds of green stuff, doing all those stereotypically healthy things while neglecting one of the most important things of all - rest! They say you can take two out of three comfortably when it comes to work, friends, and sleep.. I guess I was going for all three but prioritizing the first two, and look where I wound up because of it! Sigh.

Another nice day today.. warm (upper 70's, very unusual for this time of year), humid, light breezes. I spent a fair amount of time outside, including at a metal table a long stone's throw from here, where I almost dozed off a few times. I then caught the first of a series of Thursday early afternoon organ recitals at Busch Hall, during which one of my favorite organ pieces got play on the Flentrop organ whose manuals E. Power Biggs once graced (I wouldn't be surprised if his spirit is still hanging around there!). Office hours, then back to realize I wouldn't be able to stop what I had feared all day as the illness started to creep up, better one minute, worse the next, and then I was quickly in the thick of it. Wishful thinking held me over for a few hours, so that was good.

Now I have a little adventure ahead. I'm on panel tomorrow, so I gotta talk even when I will almost certainly be at less than 100%. Not exactly running on empty, but when you're under the weather and it's just after 8 on a Friday morning, you're just not gonna be as snappy as you usually are. So we'll see how that goes.

New phone line installed yesterday, at long last.. and my first extended incoming call came from the other side of the Atlantic, from the land of fast cars, six time zones away! How 'bout THAT?

OK, more work so I can crash and hopefully shake off this little guy. The faster I can hit the sack, the faster my trusty WBCs can spring into action.

I Axe Myself Why

2005-10-05T20:01:00.000-04:00

That's right.. I just walk around sometimes and wonder why.. am I even doing this blog? Why have I decided to keep it going as long as possible, especially after making no contributions to it for more than six months? What's the point, anyway?

I'm starting to suspect a little selfishness on my part. I mean, I know nobody's gonna read this thing, yet I just keep blogging away, my fingers chomping at the keys, probably going nowhere fast but at least getting in a little workout. Why do I do this? I think it might be because I can then read my thoughts from the past anywhere in the world with an Internet connection. I admit it's really interesting for me to read my posts from a year ago and think about my circumstances then and now and how much things have changed in just a year (I'd say the past three years have been the greatest consecutive "change" period for me). In fact, it's fascinating because it's like a window into my prior self. I kind of like that, and I like that it's just "out there," so that anyone has the OPTION of seeing it. I sound like I'm at a frickin' therapy session or something.. not that that's a bad thing, but I definitely don't want to hear myself ramble on and on only to end up right back where I started.

Strange heat and humidity combination around here lately. Like it's been foggy for the past couple of mornings, a la San Francisco, burning off by around 11 a.m. Today's average temperature was a full FIFTEEN degrees warmer than the average temperature a year ago today. Bizarre, I tell ya.

You know, there's something a little risque about writing things on a blog, too - you have to be at least mildly careful about what you say because you never know which retinae your words might find their way to someday. I really have to hold back and keep a lot of stuff under wraps I would talk about much more freely and openly if this were just, say, a journal. But then I have terrible penmanship and that takes so much longer (that might be another reason I spend all this time in the blogosphere). But it's still interesting - I really have to "edit" myself as I pound out these entries, just because I never know what's going to happen once I put them out in the open on a blog. I might be like a beacon on a forested mountain plateau, but there's a chance some wayward pilot might fly in my area sometime and spot me (and then be warned to stay away - I bet you lots of people can't handle my loquacity!). Honestly, it might mirror the reason some people decide to have extramarital affairs - among many others, there's always the risk that they'll get caught, which adds to the adventure.. of course, they don't really want to get caught, but it's the knowledge that they COULD that stimulates them to do naughty things, just to see if they can get away with it, how much they can get away with, and for how long. It's amazing how adult behavior can be so child-like (a whole separate issue right there - I think the "adult" notion is really fake in a lot of ways, that almost all adult desires and ambitions and emotions mirror those of children. It's not that they're more developed, just that they're differently expressed and even more socially conditioned. On that note, three ways to think of an adult would be pubescence, a certain level of social conditioning, and a certain quantity of life experience that depends enormously on the circumstances). Anyway, my own blog is somewhat like this - a mildly risky way to express myself, just to see how much I can get away with saying while keeping a whole lot of secrets. So yeah, who really knows. Now I'm just blabbermouthing, and there's work to be done! Enough outta me! More later!

10-4

2005-10-04T20:07:00.000-04:00

Yes, indeed. I hope that this date will be declared "International Yes Day" at some point in the future. I think that would be a nice little reason to celebrate it, other than the usual reasons.

You know Russia's gotta be celebrating this date just about every year - this is when they made a name for themselves yet again and stuck it to the United States yet again. Sputnik.

As for me, I think I have to keep my riding under control - at this rate I'm sure to come down with saddle sores before too long.

Today's journey featured Fenway Park, (rode all the way around it), the trail along Memorial Drive on the left bank of the Charles River, the Blue Hills Reservation (really lovely.. I couldn't help but just slow and take it easy on the two-lane road I accidentally turned onto, just to kind of admire the deciduous forest, with only a few leaves changing color at this point. I can only wonder what it'll look like only a few weeks from now, when trees that spend most of their photosynthesizing time as big puffs and wisps of green put on a show), plus Milton and Quincy.. and Dorchester on the way back. I got lost several times, even though I had carefully checked the directions several times before leaving. I credit part of that to my own adventurous spirit - I might have taken a turn off somewhere just to explore something thinking it would be much easier to get back to whatever road I was looking for than it turned out to be. But I credit MOST of it to one of my biggest pet peeves about this area. The road signage almost all around Eastern Massachusetts (at least from what I've seen, and by now I've seen a fair amount) SUCKS. It's absolutely horrible. What bugs me the most is that municipal/state authorities must know about it and just not do anything because it's not worth it to them. After all, they all know where they're going, and if you don't know where you're going, well it's not their fault that you took a turnoff that puts you on a five-mile detour only to end up right back where you started. And don't even get me started on the one-way streets. Now, it's true, if you know where you're going, it's not so bad. But if you don't know where you're going (like even Bostonians don't from time to time- I've rarely gotten good directions. In fact, when I was on Walk Hill today, this dude asked ME for directions!), then you could be in trouble as long as you're not in any particular hurry. Like today - I couldn't find a road I needed because the sign didn't even exist where it said it would. I ended up going on a ten-mile loop (yeah, that's right - call me a dumbass because I ended up right back where I started, at a pitchfork intersection in Milton.. but if the frickin' signage had been just a LITTLE bit better, I probably would have gone exactly the way I'd planned out last night) due mostly to the bad signage. Turned out most of the second half of my trip was me just going by "feel" to get back to school (which I needed to do because I had class this afternoon. Yeah, I'm still a pretty diligent student, at least for now. That could certainly change. No promises). So that was a little annoying. Still, there was a lot I wouldn't have seen BUT FOR the wrong turns I inadvertently took. The Blue Hills Reservation and the heart of Dorchester are two examples that come to mind. All in all, though, I'm not complaining - it was a nice spin, and I managed to make it back in one piece, which is NEVER a sure thing given the ridiculous Boston drivers, ridiculous Boston roads with unexpected curves and poor signage, and ridiculous street layout where the shortest distance between any two locations in the greater Boston area is almost NEVER a straight line on the roads, but more like a zigzag. Ah, well.. plus it was a great day to go out there. Picture-perfect weather. If only I'd had my camera.

How many times have I said THAT?

In other news, I know that my bike's headlight was stolen sometime between Wednesday and Saturday afternoons, while it was locked up in the basement of my building, for cryin' out loud. That's some kind of chicken shit right there (pardon my strong language). Of course, my first thought when I realized what had happened was "F- YOU" to the person who had jacked my little headlight, which was really not worth that much. I'm not really a violent person, but you know, if I'd seen that going on and had had a crowbar with me, there's no telling what kind of craziness I would have tried (I can't believe I even said that!). But then I started thinking, "No, f- YOU, Chris, f- you!! You could have taken the headlight off and stored it, and you know you could do it, and you STILL didn't do it! You got what was coming to you this time." So I learned my lesson. It's just too bad I didn't think of it sooner. And it's too bad people have to do stuff like steal bike headlights. Talk about "petty" larceny

One more, possibly digressive comment.. it's amazing how incompetent people are. It's almost like they've become too good for themselves - they make mistakes in the environment they have created that end up being incredibly costly. Like vehicular crashes and politics, for instance. OK, maybe those are not the best examples.. and there's definitely some chance involved in all of this.. but still, you'd think we'd be a little more adept by now, and yet we're not. I'm trying to be controversial, but I'm also serious.. what to do about this? What can be done about this might be the more pressing inquiry? And when are we going to do something about it?

Then again, I'm the one who's "just sitting" here...

August Wilson

2005-10-03T11:31:00.000-04:00

I was very sorry to hear of August Wilson's death yesterday in Seattle. The man was truly great - his pen was a powerful voice, and he was definitely one of the great playwrights of our time. His work will definitely be missed, but the good news is that he has left behind a rich legacy of material - plenty of sad stories, but also like gifts that I'm sure will keep on giving.

I had the privilege of meeting Mr. Wilson at a preview performance of his play "Gem of the Ocean" on November 26 of last year, at the Walter Kerr Theater, West 48th Street (just NW of Times Square), New York City. It was Friday night of Thanksgiving weekend, and I was there with my aunt and two cousins. The person sitting next to me had pointed out Mr. Wilson in the audience (rank-and-file, too, which surprised me! That's kind of like the President flying coach) as he was sitting down. He was wearing a long red jacket with big, flat buttons, if I remember correctly.. and he had a tan hat on his head. This might be too much information, but biology forced me to go take a leak during the intermission. I ran into him on the way. I didn't want to bother him, and I was a little flustered given that I had the chance to say something to one of the great playwrights. I tried to make it good - hopefully something memorable (though I was hoping I wouldn't have to recall it in this kind of context). I said, "Mr. Wilson, I really admire your work. It's wonderful." He looked a little bit surprised that I had recognized him, but he grinned slightly as he turned to head back to his seat, and he said, quietly but forcefully, "Thanks, thank you very much." I smiled back and nodded sheepishly, and he went on his way.

Now he has gone on his way again. And he has inspired so many, myself included.. from everything I've heard about him, the work of his that I've read, the work of his that I've seen performed, and even from my chance encounter with the man himself, I feel encouraged and exhilarated, trying to appreciate the power of drama. I was writing a play once (haven't really worked seriously on it, though, since the afternoon of December 18, 2003).. maybe I'll pick it up again. I mean, I'm no August Wilson, but at least I can appreciate what he was all about from several different sides. I hope and pray that he'll rest in peace, comfortable with the knowledge that he has given us so much and, through his own creativity, empowered our spirit and imagination.

Miers

2005-10-03T11:12:00.000-04:00

So Harriet Miers is Bush's appointee. For some reason, that doesn't come as a surprise. Seems like another sly move on his part - not sure what her paper trail looks like, even though that's not always the most accurate predictor of one's style of decision making. Still, one thing's for sure: she's never been a judge. Actually, a lot of things are for sure.. more come to mind right away: she's a close confidante of Bush and a big name in Texas law. Could she do the job? Who knows? He seems to think so, but then again, this guy is simply not to be trusted, as he has made abundantly clear again and again and again. Miers could be a perfectly good person - good lawyer, hard-working (from the sound of it, she might be just like O'Connor, of whom someone once said, "There ain't no Miller Time"), maybe even a good judge. But this could be like Bolton, or, worse, like Michael Brown. Sticking with the "B" theme, here, you have to wonder if Miers is going to get "borked." I smell a battle looming here. This just looks so much like political cronyism to me.. you can probably tell I'm leaning toward the "bork" end of the scale for the time being (then again, I'm not a senator, and part of my only real voice in the matter is this blog that no one reads). Again, nothing against Miers at this point - I don't know her, and it sounds like not too many people do. You wonder if that will work against her. Still, I'm nervous when I hear something like this appointment - I think it would be much better to have someone who's "out there" a little more, not just someone who happens to be particularly close to whoever's in the White House. For some reason, I didn't have as much of a problem with Roberts's nomination, but I'm just feeling like this is an irresponsible choice despite the legal credentials on the table. Though Miers's qualifications are impressive by some measures, I can't say that, as a concerned citizen, I consider her credentials the ones most appropriate for a Supreme Court nominee. Just a hunch, though. A lot will come out over the next few days and weeks as we learn more about this woman and get the tools to make better-informed judgments on how she would perform as a judge. We can only hope for the best... this is going to be a decision with far-reaching implications, and I'm thinking we should take it pretty seriously.. all of us around here, that is.

Lazy Boy

2005-10-02T17:14:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I wonder if I'm having too much fun on the weekends. I always feel like I should be heading to the library, like many of my classmates. Well, at least that's the impression I'm getting - that so many of them are in the library or hunkering down even on spectacular early Autumn days like this one. Still, I only do that occasionally. I think I'm just as effective and efficient studying in my little corner of the world than I am at a library carrel. Plus, a la Ferris Bueller, I almost couldn't possibly avoid going outside on a day like this if I could help it. And today I really couldn't help going out there.

There's a big street festival not too far away wrapping up not too long from now. I almost bought something - I was going to buy a poster of a Native American chief with faint buffalo heads in the background as well as a scene from unencroached-upon nature, but I took off after one of the event organizers/"bouncers" came to bust up the guy's table ("I'm gonna have to shut you down," he said in one of those classic New England accents). Headed around the block and to the hardware store, where I came up with a few things I needed.. also got a loaf of pumpkin bread with spelt, which I will try to learn how to bake (I love to bake, for some reason). More shopping after that, then back here. Now blogging. Why? Couldn't tell ya. How? One word at a time, like a lazy boy.

I ended up taking not one, but two nice rides yesterday. The weather was similar - a little cooler than today, but still perfect for a little spin, including on a tandem bike! That's right - my morning ride was along the river with a friend of mine on her tandem bike. The steering was cockeyed, the chain was rusty, the lock wouldn't come undone, and one of the pedals was a little wobbly.. oh, and a gear was misaligned.. but other than that, the thing ran like a charm! Still, that was nice - never ridden a tandem before, so it was fun to give it a try, even if only for a few hours. I made my way back but still had riding fever - I had to get out there again. I looked on a bike map and saw the Minuteman Trail clearly marked. In a stunning display of spontaneity, I decided almost impulsively that it was time to go out there and do it, since we only have a limited number of nice days around here, much less those almost perfectly suited for riding. I left around 3 and rode out there pretty hard, trying to make up for a little lost time since I took a wrong turn around Alewife that literally added a few miles to the ride. By the time I got to Bedford I was feeling pretty good but was getting a little low on water. Still, my insatiable curiosity wouldn't hold me back, so I rode through town and gradually convinced myself that it was time to turn around and head back the same way I came.

Then I bonked. I thought it would be a little easier going back, yet the ride seemed to slope more and more uphill, and I couldn't pound it out nearly as hard as I had on the outbound. I convinced myself that I should try to actually enjoy the chronic, grinding, burning pain, knowing my love handles were (hopefully) getting a little smaller with every pedal revolution. Still, I gave in around Lexington, getting off the trail right near the Green and then finding a muffin's worth of calories. After that, things got better. I think part of it was that I drafted a woman on a road bike from just outside Lexington all the way back to Arlington. Yeah, that definitely felt sketchy, but she was a faster rider than I was and probably had a faster bike, so I just settled in right behind her and let her pull me along. By the time I made it back, it was close to sunset. I was pretty beat from a long and varied day of riding, but also satisfied that I'd gotten some work in and spent time with a good friend and done a little exploring and had another mini-adventure, one of those that makes days like yesterday so worthwhile.

Then I tried sautéing a little spinach and almost burned it. No lemon juice, olio d'oliva, garlic.. nothin'. Still pretty good, though. I guess Popeye and I really do have a little something in common, even though my biceps are somewhat bigger and my forearms are far smaller :-).

Biking is one of my favorite connections to my childhood. When I was younger, I used to imagine I was a breakaway rider in a stage of the Tour de France whenever I was out on the open road all by myself, especially the two-laners. The only question was whether I could hang on long enough to capture the stage victory without being swallowed up by the peloton, which seems to almost always happen (and they're merciless - reminds me of a few years ago when a guy was leading a stage that finished in his hometown, rode into the hometown with a comfortable lead and looked like he could get a stage win if he had enough left in the tank, but unfortunately the peloton got him not too far from the finish). I have similar feelings today. I love the wind whistling through my helmet, the way things whiz by me left and right when I get in a groove but not so quickly that I don't have time to appreciate the scenery, and the feeling of becoming one with the bike on a good day.

One of these days I'll have to get back to the music. I miss it, lots.

For some reason, October weekends almost always turn out to be friendly challenges for me. I just hope I can handle them better now

Pseudonymous Blogging

2005-10-01T23:04:00.000-04:00

Happy October!

Given the generally unpredictable nature of this blog, I ask you this: do you think pseudonymity would be a better option, or is it already too late at this point, such that I would give myself away too easily?

In a way, I would be glad if I gave myself up too easily because that would mean I had a distinctive writing style.. not necessarily a good one, but at least one with which people could identify me (hopefully positively!). Then again, I wouldn't really like it all that much because I would blow my cover every time I wrote anything, and that would totally defeat one of the key purposes of the pseudonym!

Sigh. I don't know how or why I get myself caught up in pickles like that again and again, but I actually kind of like pickles.

James Dean

2005-09-30T11:56:00.000-04:00

I was a little kid when I first heard the story of James Dean's fatal car accident on September 30, 1955. I don't know why the date stuck with me, but for some reason it did. I know that's an incredibly morbid way to mark September 30 every year, but for some reason I've kept doing it. And now we're at the 50th anniversary of the day James Dean, driving his Porsche Spyder of which only 90 were made, crashed around the intersection of Highways 41 and 46 in Cholame, California, just before 6:00 p.m., later dying. He was 24 - my age. Well, OK, he was actually about two months older, but still.. what an amazing career the guy had for being just 24 years old - three Academy Award nominations, including one for his first feature film, a posthumous Best Actor nomination (one of only four), and all in just a few years. Who knows what he would have accomplished had he kept going - my guess is that he would still be acting today at age 74. Not sure why that is.. maybe just because he was a "Rebel Without a Cause," always wandering in search of adventure and using the adventure itself for sustenance.

For some reason, I always thought James Dean had crashed and been killed when his car ran off Mulholland Drive in Los Angeles, which turns out not to be true. Knowing his character, though, I wouldn't be surprised if he lost control up there sometime also and survived it. No offense to Cholame, but Mulholland Drive definitely seems like a more romantic place to crash. True, I argue, the Hollywood Hills can be quite romantic when the smog clears from the area. I hope to experience that again someday, hopefully without smog and without crashing.

So James Dean.. skilled driver, cautious but sought one too many thrills. Sometimes it almost seems like the more cautious you are in a dangerous activity, the more likely you are to have something less-than-positive happen to you. Yves Montand's character in "Grand Prix," always doubting the safety and wisdom of high-speed auto racing, crashed and passed at Monza in the final race of the season at the end of the movie. Ayrton Senna, apparently a stickler for safety and a seasoned veteran, died not too far away from Monza (at Imola, I think). Greg Moore, another 24-year-old and apparently a phenomenal driver, was killed in a CART race at Fontana, CA almost six years ago. And then there was Dale Earnhardt.. broken seatbelt, but still the best of the best. You always have to wonder why such horrible things end up happening to such good people, or at least people who are known for being the best in the world at what they do. I wish I could explain it better, but that might be something to which only God knows the answer.

So today I say "Rest in Peace, James Dean," my age-mate who just happens to be exactly 50 years older than I am. I kind of wish I could drive like that, too, but probably not at the risk of becoming a cult figure.

Frictionless and Massless

2005-09-29T22:15:00.000-04:00

Ten years ago today, I wrote a letter to myself lying on the pavement at a Battery near the Marin Headlands coastline, overlooking the western half of San Francisco and the Pacific Ocean, at around 10 in the morning. It was by force - part of a "retreat" I went on with my high school frosh class. I still remember how surprised I was to read my thoughts when we went on another retreat together a little less than three years later. Pleasantly surprised in spots, a little dismayed in others, but all in all pleased to have a window into the past. It's really interesting to reflect on what's changed and what's stayed the same.

I did the same thing on Valentine's Day 2000, when I was a freshman in college - not by force this time, but by choice. I opened the letter in the late summer of 2003, a few months after graduating. I did the same thing in early September last year. I'm looking forward to opening the letter a couple of years from now, provided, God willing, I make it that far.

Some folks have recurring New Year's resolutions, i.e. ones they never quite get around to fulfilling or that they don't fulfill to their satisfaction. Mine has actually been fulfilled for a few years now.. and I count myself lucky: My recurring New Year's resolution is to make it to the next New Year's Day (survival) better off (in both the personal and outward sense) than before, or something like that, anyway.

Mars sure is bright right about now. So is Venus. Does that mean anything? Chissà?

When's Day?

2005-09-28T17:22:00.000-04:00

So today I get to wish my aunt Bebe a Happy Birthday. 65 years old.. amazingly enough. I'm waiting around for the next commercial - too bad I don't have a TV to watch it, so now I have to bum a view off somebody else's screen. Or something like that, anyway. But yeah, Happy Birthday, Auntie Bebe

Today was a pretty good one, made better by the cancellation of my Copyright class this morning. Not that I don't enjoy Copyright class - I do, and it's genuinely interesting to me as well as entertaining - it's just that the extra time this morning gave me the chance to go out on another long ride. I'm really trying to get out there as much as I can before it becomes extraordinarily difficult and then next to impossible, which it almost certainly will within the next few months! Anywayz, I was better prepared this time than last time - I brought more calories and more fluid with me, and I used it all up at decent intervals. I did cramp up right at the intersection of Route 16 and Highway 20 (the longest continuous road in the United States - Boston to Newport, Oregon, my friends), but managed to shake it off, although my right calf was a little tight for most of the rest of the ride. I felt much better this time than I did a week ago, when I went out past Lexington - much cooler temperatures with less humidity this time, as opposed to the humid mid-80's of last Thursday. This time I started by going down to Wellesley via Route 16.. meaning through Watertown, across the Mass Pike and Route 128, then winding up through Wellesley Hills to the campus itself. It was a nice little spin. I left at around 8 a.m., which might have made me a little stiffer because it was an unseasonably cold morning (I'm guessing between around 46 and 52 when I left - my breath steamed in the air when I exhaled heavily, even away from traffic). Still, once I got spinning everything was just fine. I also didn't ride quite as "hard" this time as last time, trying to conserve energy. All in all, it was pretty entertaining and invigorating.

As for Wellesley.. a lovely place. It even has its own lake, which I didn't know until yesterday. As I pedaled around the campus taking a self-guided tour, I noticed a number of guys walking around, not all of whom looked like they were working there, which took me by surprise. Then again, they were probably just as surprised to see me - Black guy on a hybrid bike (which, let's face it, is a not-so-common sight) cruising around Wellesley early on a Wednesday morning.

I think I might try to go back out there when the leaves start changing color, if I have the chance. Then again, it's always a little tough to ride when the leaves start falling off the trees because they can blow in your face and "trip you up" a little, or so I've heard. We'll see what happens.

After Wellesley, I followed a few one and two-lane roads to head into Boston. Wellesley Hills, Newton, Chestnut Hill, Brookline, then down into the Longwood Medical Area, past Northeastern, right by Copley Square, through Back Bay via Marlborough St., through the Public Garden and Boston Common, up Beacon Hill by the State House, down the backside and around the State House, down Mount Vernon to Storrow Drive, along the sidewalk, and then over the Longfellow Bridge. Another nice little spin. I bought a bottle of juice from a really nice Brazilian woman kitty-corner from Symphony Hall.. I was excited because I got to drop a "Muito obrigado" on her, and she seemed to appreciate it! That also buoyed me for the rest of the ride...

More interviews this afternoon, then a shopping jaunt. Ran into Lyndon on the way over there with my cart in tow. Always great to see the old roomie, lemme tell ya.

Now the day is aging, and I must go off for a meeting. I hope the big meeting doesn't last too long, even though it probably will. Then I'll make my way back and see if I can discipline myself enough to actually rest up for a change... honestly, though, with a lot under my arms and legs over the past few hours, my body will probably take care of the work for me!

Sometimes I bore even myself. Kind of funny how that happens - I get bored, start blogging, and then I'm even more bored by the time I finish the entry...

OCI

2005-09-26T20:27:00.000-04:00

Happy Birthday to George Gershwin.. don't know how I've been so fixated on that for the past few years. Could be because his music is what actually influenced me to try playing jazz piano and branching out from the European classical music I had studied for several years before I made "the switch," much to my first piano teacher's chagrin (and probably my second, too, who really didn't like me all that much. Which is fine. I did learn a lot from her, just not all positive). For some reason, I credit it to George's music. Don't know what it was about it. For some reason, it seems a little ironic that I would be influenced to start trying to play music that's considered part of our African-American cultural heritage by the music of a New York guy descended from Russian Jews. Then again, the world is full of arbitrary distinctions, and arbitrariness is always in the eye of the beholder. If you think I'm kidding, just ask two different people about it, and I'll betcha you'll get two different fundamental answers if you dig down to the fundament.

As usual, I slept quickly. Not nearly enough, but somehow I've been able to run with the gas warning light on, just trying to get as much fuel economy out of that sucker as I possibly can. First a couple of classes, then it was time for me to start the dreaded OCI process. I remember putting on my "costume," a.k.a. summer suit with a tie and other little accessories. It was kind of fun. At the same time, though, I resented it, knowing how uncomfortable it made a lot of us feel. I would much rather have stayed in the clothes I was wearing, which I'm wearing again right now. But oh, well.. the suit was just sitting in the closet waiting to be worn, so it was nice to have an excuse.

Next stop after class was a hotel with a hospitality suite and a small army of interviewers deployed into about a dozen hotel rooms. I admit I was a little nervous when I saw waiting chairs outside of the rooms as my interviewer led me to her room. Still, we ended up having a nice little chat, although I didn't get to ask many questions. One thing I like to do in interviews is transform it into a conversation, even though it has to be "strictly business." I just have the feeling both of us feel more comfortable when we feel like we're just talking. Too bad there are time and patience constraints. Anyway, I was there overtime, which meant I had to "hotfoot" it to my next interview, around a ten-minute walk away. I was there behind schedule, for which I apologized profusely. My interviewer gave an understanding and sympathetic response, but whether or not my tardiness will be forgiven has yet to be determined. I can't really tell what they're looking for - it could be that I'll get dinged just for stepping in the door with my left foot first instead of my right (although I forgot which one it was.. at least I'm still 50% in the hunt if that's true). Second interview was also nice, although I cost myself five minutes.. still, the interviewer was gracious enough to let me ask a question and then answered it. Next, to class one more time. Not enough time to go back and get my laptop and book, so I was stuck with just my portfolio and the enclosed notepad.

I discovered how much I enjoy taking notes by hand SOMETIMES and how much more I would enjoy it if I had better handwriting. Sigh.

So now I'm swiveling around in this here craigslist chair (which I got in Watertown and then rolled down the street to the bus stop, onto the bus, off the bus, all the way back to my building, and up the stairs to my little corner of the world) wondering what I'm doing. I honestly don't know what I'm doing. A lot of this is just on a whim. I really have to be more cautious because that happens to me much more often than it should. For example, I got the idea recently that I should think about taking a trip of a few thousand miles just to talk over a weekend - for reasons I hope would be noble, of course, but still, when I step back and think about that, it's pretty ridiculous. Then again, some of the most ridiculous things I've ever done have also been some of the most incredible.

Back to OCI.. as I left the first hotel, I asked myself, "Why are you doing this, Chris? No, seriously, why? Is this who you really are?" I asked myself not in terms of doubt, but in terms of curiosity. I was filled with uncertainty then, and it's even worse now. To use a baseball analogy, it's like being told to steal second on a flame-throwing pitcher and a catcher with a cannon of an arm. You have to be blazing fast or they have to make a collective mistake, and if you make even one misstep then they've gotcha. Coming out of the interviews, I feel like I ran hard, but I have no idea what call I'm going to get from the umpire. It's tough waiting. Of course, I have no expectations. I'm going to learn something out of this one way or the other.

I think that oughtta do it for this entry.. but I shall return.. oh yes, indeed.

Chewing Gum

2005-09-25T15:58:00.000-04:00

So I'm basically treading water and dreading the consequences of doing that. There are some times when you just have to take a chance and go ahead and jump off the cliff, because the opportunity might never present itself again. For a while I thought I might be acting on impulse. When I act on instinct and intuition it's almost always a toss up and is more likely than not to fry my toes. You play with fire and most of the time you're gonna get burned, but eventually you learn how to cook and then it's all delicious.

You know how sometimes you roll a pair of dice and they go under a nearby table, and then you have to bend down and have a look, first trying to find them, then deciding whether or not the roll will count or whether you should just roll again but do it a little more cautiously the next time so it won't roll off the table? That's kind of my situation right now. Like Yogi, I have come to a fork in the road and I've taken it. I just don't know if I'm still on the road (a road!) or not. Could be that my vehicle has rolled into the mud and come to rest up against a boulder, steam hissing out of the engine and me trying to figure out what caused me to slip. You'd think I would have learned something from those few other times I was at the fork in the road and somehow managed to run off the road because I played the wrong card at the wrong time. Talk about mixed metaphors...

Yeah, so anyway, I still have my focus. All in all it hasn't really been blurred too much. I'm still same ol', just trying to make it all work out as nicely as I can muster. I just have to keep hoping that as I feel my way down so many blind alleys, I get to a good and safe place where I cannot derail and can find the invigoration that will set me free.

I like to write cryptically sometimes. My mind just works that way. It's almost like I have to encode and decode myself. Someday I'll crack my own code. That will be the day. That will be great. I'll be really happy if and when I make it that far.

Handcross

2005-09-24T23:31:00.000-04:00

Am I really so pretentious that I would just blog about what I did on any particular day and expect people to care about it enough to actually read it? Have I really reached that level?

I hope not.. but then again, I can't really tell for sure what kind of impression this blog is leaving. That no one comments on it either means it's really bland or that no one's reading it.. or both! I guess I could just start cussing like a sailor and saying the most vulgar stuff you've ever seen on a screen, but that might prove offensive to a large number of people. I try to keep away from causing major offense sometimes. Sure, on the playing field (and, often, on the battlefield) the best defense is often a good offense, but I try to stay on the defensive from day to day. Now I'm just ranting, as usual. That probably means I'm ready to tell a story.. some story.

They say you should write about what you know (or was that Hemingway who said that?). I kind of know what I did today. I did some reading. Then I went and bugged people at a barbecue with only about 15 or 20 people in attendance and almost no food left, gosh darn it. Not that I would only go for the free food, but that's often a major factor. Then I went to the North End and had a look at this print reporter's pub table. Got a pretty good deal on it. Wound my way back.. and then reached a point worth telling a story about, at least in my own warped world vision.

In the plaza to the southwest of Boston City Hall, right on top of a storm drain cut into the brick pavement, there's a spot where you can see the Old North Church and the Old West Church at the same time. It's a wide open area, and trees shroud part of the views of each church, so the viewing would be a little sharper during the winter months but probably not as pleasant because there's almost nothing to block the biting winds straight outta the north except maybe a little chunk of City Hall (which they had to make REALLY ugly, for some reason.. no offense to Menino or anyone else who works there, but I honestly think a city like Boston deserves a better-looking City Hall. Architecturally speaking, this one is almost below even the functional level). Still, I kind of liked that. I like churches, generally, even though there is no denomination with whose views I agree completely. More on that later, when I do my religion "chapter." That is, if I ever get around to it. Sadly, even if I did, it might be for nothin' 'cuz nobody would read it!

I found out about that view around 3:15 this afternoon. EDT, that is.

Now I'm gazing out my window to the east, looking at Mars, which is glowing brighter with each passing evening, or so I'm told. The Moon, trailing Mars in the path across the Northern Hemisphere sky right now, is approaching 28˚ N declination (it'll go past the mark not too long from now), meaning it will be up for roughly sixteen hours tonight and tomorrow, at least in our 42/71 zone. Waning crescent, I think. It'll look like a helmet when it goes down tomorrow.

I gots to get myself under control here. Looking forward to more adventure

I Missed You, My Dear

2005-09-23T22:54:00.000-04:00

This one doesn't have a whole lot to do with anything that happened to me today. Instead, I have to take a trip back in time just a few years, but not all that long ago. The memory is still crystal-clear in my mind, and I don't expect it to fade away for some time, even though it doesn't quite have the impact now that it once did. I've never talked about it before (of course, there are a lot of things I've never talked about, but I've intentionally kept this one under wraps). It will be deliberately vague and ambiguous. I think I might be talking to myself right now, just planning out how I'm going to blog about the momentary experience.

As for today.. not so bad. Went to the Greenhouse for the first time with an old friend, which was really fun even though we spent about half the time talking about Katrina, and I started ranting again even after promising not to rant. I'm glad we had that conversation, but at the same time I always feel bad talking about something like that and then knowing that there's only so much I can feasibly do to help the situation improve. Whatever I can do will never be enough. Sure, some is better than none, but it's just really upsetting to have to think over what went wrong and what to do about it and then wonder if the solutions will ever come to pass. Of course, I don't pretend to have all the answers, but a lot of this really does seem like common sense and deliberate indifference. Now it looks like I'm ranting again, which I really shouldn't do, even on a blog.

Played softball for a few hours.. not all that bad at the plate, I guess, since I hit for the cycle.. but I'd say my strongest performance came on defense. I felt good about at least making a small contribution in the field. Someone who REALLY felt good is the kid asking his Little League coach if he could play an infield position, like first, for an inning, and hearing the response, "I.. uh.. don't know if that would be possible." I'm sure it was no offense - he was just being objective! Still, 15 years later, I felt my patience had finally paid off in some small measure, on a field almost 3,000 miles away.

OK, so now for the story.. I don't know if I should say "gather round the hearth" or "fasten your seat belts." Knowing me and my storytelling abilities, the best answer would probably be "neither," but see for yourself if you want to read a mini-rant on this flashback. It might sound like a riddle, but that's by design...

It's sunny and warm, around noon. We're all outside. I look over at her from a decent distance, trying to get a sense of what's in her mind at that moment, what she's thinking, why she's thinking it, and whether she will ever think positively about me again, not for any negative reasons, but for "just 'cuz" reasons. I'm not sure what the answer is. I try to convince myself that I don't really care all that much, even though I really do. I couldn't help but think of her as a dream deferred, like Langston Hughes's poem, except that she would not dry up like a raisin in the sun, but would instead become even more fascinating and captivating. I took a few steps forward. I noticed people smiling and laughing. I thought, "I really should be happier right now. Why am I not happier?" It was a similar feeling to the one I felt just after learning that one of my grandfathers had passed away, except that time I was puzzled that I wasn't more sad at first (I was just frantic, rapidly going through all the things I had to handle from that point on.. and it was only later that day that the gravity of the loss hit me and just about knocked me over). This time I was relieved, calm, maybe a little winded, with a few beads of sweat forming on my forehead. Years had passed since I had first thought of what it would be like to reach the summit, somewhat like Ariel the Little Mermaid (sorry for the reference - I often wonder what it would be like to find myself in slightly different circumstances). Now I never knew if I would get there. I wasn't pissed about that, really.. I was just disappointed in myself for not trying harder, not trying smarter, experimenting when I really didn't know what I was doing, jumping off cliffs without testing the parachute first and then surviving bumpy crash landings, struggling to dust myself off and head back up to the top to at least contemplate another jump off the same cliff. I was filled with uneasiness because I was filled with uncertainty. I'm filled with uneasiness whenever I'm filled with uncertainty.

I ended up getting a little closer. She didn't really notice me, and I couldn't tell if that was deliberate or more in the Girl from Ipanema school of interaction, even though I can say that for the moment "foi a coisa mais linda que eu ja vi passar." She was smiling and laughing, just like all the rest of them. I was smiling superficially, an expression that was mostly a sigh of relief. I saw what she was wearing, and as usual, I was mesmerized by what proved to be a "halo effect" that had gripped my consciousness for some time. Not for any perverted reasons, but just because I had literally been so crazy about her at one time and wondered when I would see her smiling and laughing again.

That's when it hit me. I wondered when I would see her again.

That's when I started to get sad, out there in the sunshine, amidst the sunshine radiating from the star itself and from people's faces. Even after so much time, I loved seeing her. Even after she had responded to my warm approaches with an ice bath that made me sizzle out like a weary ember, just the thought of her made me smile and gave me the sense that maybe it really wasn't all that bad after all. After all, with people like her in the world, how bad could it be?

I didn't even know if she liked me enough to give me the time of day if I should ask her in the future. I actually doubted it. But I was still sad, since I didn't really know where I was going or what I was doing, or why. I knew that adventures were about to unfold, but I didn't feel anchored by anyone in that fixated sort of way. She had anchored me before, without even trying. Now my anchor was being cut loose, and for the first time I woke up to what was going on and how things would probably never be the same after that day.

I looked up and around, then back over at her, then at my feet, then at my sleeves, then back over at her again, now walking sideways and away from me, now turning left, now right, always a little further away. "There she goes," I thought. "She won't come back to you now. She never did, even at the beginning." I wondered if that would be the end. I sensed such an end would be good for me, and probably for her, too.. but I felt selfish. I wanted to see her regularly, just to let my (non-perverted!) imagination run wild, daydreaming away any of my troubles or concerns thinking about how terrific it would be to spend any kind of time with that kind of woman. And it never really materialized, but it was still nice, really nice, to think about it. Now I knew that seeing her regularly would be all but impossible. I couldn't get used to that. She was still walking away. She stopped for a moment, then continued. My impulse was to walk quickly after her, possibly even running after her to keep her in sight. Still, I knew that no chase would do anything good for either of us, that I would never catch her. In this case, though, it was the thought that counted.

I missed her. I mean, I really, genuinely missed her, even though I might have been furthest from her mind at that moment. I knew I would have to get used to a big change, but I didn't feel ready to take on the challenge. I just flat-out missed her and didn't know what to do. I tried to hold out hope, which was hard. And then she turned the corner and was gone, and I was still out there, in the even hotter sunshine, my smile and sadness essentially cancelling each other. I had a feeling the smile would overtake the sadness, but it would have happened a lot more quickly if things had been oh-so-slightly different.

I had that same feeling just a few days ago, sitting in class. Suddenly I missed her again. Why, I don't know. How, I don't know. All I'm sure of is that I missed her. Maybe I missed a lot of people, consolidated into her. Who knows? Of course, I will have to take care of it, but I'm still trying to chart that course. It could take a while, so all I can do is get geared up, roll with it, and see what kind of shape I'm in if and when I get to the other side of Erykah's game.

Yesterday

2005-09-23T07:57:00.000-04:00

I know you were expecting a Beatles lyric, but 'ey.. maybe I'll just say that it goes without saying! Honestly, though, I can't complain. Yesterday was actually a pretty good day, before and after 3:00 in the afternoon.

I watched the Autumnal Equinox from a fifth-floor bay window. Dorky, yes, but also fun. It's not every equinox you get to do something like that, so I figured I might as well check out the Sun as it crossed the celestial equator.. same as I did last year from the steps of a church, which was a little easier because it was around midday, whereas this time the Sun was already low in the sky, roughly twenty minutes from setting. As it sank lower, it made its way through hazy clouds in the distance (if there is such a thing). For some reason, it seemed to get brighter during the minute of the equinox, lighting up the wall and door frame behind me with an even warmer and more radiant golden glow (not exaggerating here - it really was a sort of golden color). I couldn't help but wonder if that was by design, another of the Sun's ways of talking.. or, as I like to say for some reason, one of the Sun's many ways of calling out, "Eccomi!"

My first couple of hours of Fall included a nice little adventure, the end result of which was an incredible oversized loveseat right across the room from me, in great condition and in my favorite color. I'm happier than a clam and mussel combined that I managed to get it back over here and that a now good friend helped me. Our trip was postponed because my friend was borrowing his roommate's car, and yesterday he only got the keys to the car but not to The Club locked to the steering wheel. The following day (yesterday), however, he had both keys in hand. We rolled on over to Beacon Hill and to this guy's fourth floor apartment. He took the door off to make it easier to move the couch. Then he helped us carry it down the stairs and fit it inside this guy's SUV. What made it really interesting was that it fit exactly, but with one small catch - we had to move the front seats WAY up, so that the driver's seat was almost pressing against the steering column (OK, maybe not quite that far, but still pretty close!). My friend is a little bigger and taller than I am, so he asked me, "Can you drive?" In a strange sort of way, I was kind of hoping I would get the chance to drive, but dreading the huge responsibility that would go with driving a friend-of-a-friend's car, which my friend reminded me of about as clearly as anyone could be reminded of anything. I agreed to do it. Keep in mind that I had to do the driving with about half as much space as would be comfortable, with no rear view because of the couch, and in Boston, home to (no offense, but I really think this is true) the worst drivers in the country and some of the most confusing roads in this country. Other than that, just a smooth trip on back. So I drove incredibly cautiously as we rounded Beacon Hill, went between the Common and Public Garden, and slowly made our way back. My friend said, "If they honk at you, don't worry about it." I think I was only honked at once or maybe even twice, but it could have been someone else (I wonder how I'll tell this story not too long from now.. will there be more or fewer honks?). Anyway, we made it back, and I got my across-the-hall neighbors to help my friend and I move the thing inside and up the stairs. Just before ten, I finished screwing the "feet" back on and set it up against the wall, and the major furniture moving was complete. I was incredibly happy about that. I went across the hall and invited my neighbors to come sit on the couch since they helped me move it, but they were watching a movie, so I said I'd come back some other time. My neighbor smiled at me in a way that didn't let me know whether she was more annoyed or more pleased that I had tried to give her first dibs on the couch, but anyway, I think it all went OK in the end.

Now the first full day of Fall... I'm sure we're all hoping for a good one, but as with everything else, we have to take it in stride and give it our best effort.

Transition Time

2005-09-22T15:52:00.000-04:00

It's another beautiful day around here, certainly not one to take for granted. We all know how nasty it can be, so a day like today - although a little toasty with highs in the mid-80's but relatively low relative humidity - is definitely one to enjoy. Clear skies, crisp breezes, brilliant sunshine. It's the last day of summer, although yesterday was the last full day - the Sun will be crossing the celestial equator not too long from now, and the door to the Northern Autumn will swing wide open. Looking back.. and I feel selfish for saying this.. I have to say this has been the greatest summer of my entire life. At leas that I can remember.

There was class this morning, ending around a quarter after 10. I followed that up shooting the breeze out on the mini-plaza with a couple of friends new and old. Came back to my little corner of the world and it was about 11. That's when I decided to go for a little spin on the bike, originally planning to go out to Arlington but suddenly feeling more ambitious. I'm not really sure what I did for the next hour, but I didn't actually get rolling until just after high noon. It was a nice day to be out there, and it turned out to be a challenging ride, especially since I've only spent a very small amount of time on a bike over the past.. oh, five or six years! Anyway, I headed out Mass Ave to Arlington, but I didn't stop there. I kept pedaling, making my way through East Lexington, Lexington, and then to what's basically the dead end of Mass Ave out by Minuteman Regional High School. Then I came all the way back. Of course, I made a pit stop at Lexington Green (not THAT kind.. I might not be a raging patriot, but I'm definitely not one to desecrate the unofficial birthplace of the United States). Last time I was there was August 7, 1994, a Sunday afternoon, with my dad and my little brother. That was a lot of fun. This time, I was there all by myself, not to mention a few people laying out on the grass and a few fellow admirers of the place and moment. I still had a good time, even though I only spent about three minutes there before continuing out Mass Ave. The whole time, I kept thinking (in the back of my mind) that Mass Ave would be practically impassable on a bike for most of the year.. so I was actively trying not to take the riding opportunity for granted.

I was also trying actively not to "bonk," even though I stayed well-hydrated. I did have to stop for a caloric drink (non-alcoholic, of course! I wasn't about to get a BUI citation) along the way, but other than that things went pretty smoothly. I chalk it up to learning by doing, just hoping I don't have to learn the hard way.

I think I'm starting to become more of an urban cyclist.. of course, I'm not all the way there yet, but let's just say there were a few times today when I was really tempted to cuss out a few drivers.

I also used an engraving tool for the first time today, down at Cambridge Police Headquarters. Nothing was wrong.. it's just that I registered my bike yesterday but only got a sticker, which would be easy for some hack to peel off and toss. They told me the lieutenant with the engraving tool would be there today, which he was, along with a fellow officer. They were really nice - the fellow officer even held the bike up while I chiseled the registration number 39449 onto the frame. It was actually kind of fun. I might not be a master engraver, but at least you can read what it says.. CPD # 39449. Let me not gloat too much, though.. I hope the engraving turns out not to be useful, if you catch my drift.

One more word as the sun sinks lower in the sky and gets progressively closer to the Celestial Equator (it'll cross the Equator straight-up somewhere over the middle of the Pacific Ocean).. there's something about this OCI craziness that is really ridiculous. Actually, there's a lot that's ridiculous. As I rode around, I ran into people dressed up for 20 and 30 minute interviews, some of whom I knew. True, they look very nice, and it's always fun to see your friends put on a little fashion show, but still.. with people doing ten, twenty, thirty interviews over three weeks, wearing the same suit or two, putting on makeup and high heels and starched shirts and cuff links for a relatively quick impression, you get the feeling it's a bit much. Or I do, anyway. It just seems like it's all for show, and not much more than that. And should it really matter what you look like in a suit? I thought the key to all this was your ability to do the work and bring in the clients.. er, do the work. That does make me wonder, though.. if I were a little taller and had a little more chiseled face and maybe a slightly deeper voice and bigger arm muscles, or if I were a woman with a pretty face and a fabulous body to match that my attire flattered to the fullest, would I be more of an asset to any of these potential employers in terms of my "rainmaking" ability? I mean, what is it that makes the difference - what are they really looking for, and why? What's the bottom line at the end of the day? How many different ways can I ask the same question?

It's probably bad form to end a paragraph with a series of questions, especially when it's in a blog entry. Hey, if the blog police are after me, I'll just say they don't have jurisdiction because nobody really reads this stuff anyway! In essence, I'm just writing to myself. That's kind of sad, but it's at least refreshing to know that I can open up a little window into my thoughts at any particular blogging moment from any net-equipped computer anywhere in the world.

One other concern about OCI, although also a kind of question: Is there any other way to do it? Sure, it's tradition to get dressed up for an interview, and when it's for these kinds of jobs it's no surprise that they want you to look your Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, etc. best. But what if someone showed up in jeans and a T-shirt and happened to be an exceptionally qualified candidate by the "objective" standards these places use to evaluate applicants? How about that? Anything wrong with that, honestly? Or is it really all pageantry?

I have to stop with these questions. My point is only that the OCI process seems to point some of people's efforts in the wrong direction.. or maybe not so much "wrong" as unnecessary. If I see things from the other side, I have to ask myself whether or not I would feel comfortable interviewing a bunch of people in jeans and T-shirts and had no idea how they would look in the "work" attire I would force them to wear just about every day. I don't think that would bother me, but then again, as with so many other things (SO many), that could just be "me." Who knows, anyway? 'Cuz I don't. Maybe I will sometime soon. I hope so.

OK, I have to get ready for the equinox. I've been listening to Cuban music for the past hour, so now I'm thinking of switching it up. I'm stuck between Italian, Estadounidense, and Indian.. maybe I'll go for a blend of all three. Yeah, good luck to me.. but let me tell you this: you can't win if you don't play!

One more question: How can Mother Nature be so cruel and so kind.. and why, I ask you.. why??

Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose...

2005-09-17T11:20:00.000-04:00

So on Constitution Day (the date the United States Constitution was signed back in 1787), I thougth I'd put up this particularly chilling and unbelievably trenchant quote. I won't attribute it now, but if you search for it you'll find out who said it without too much trouble. All I can say is that it was part of a conversation that took place on April 18, 1946...

The Quoted: Why, of course, the people don't want war. Why would some poor slob on a farm want to risk his life in a war when the best that he can get out of it is to come back to his farm in one piece?

Naturally, the common people don't want war; neither in Russia, nor in England, nor in America, nor for that matter in Germany. That is understood. But, after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship.

The Other Guy: There is one difference. In a democracy the people have some say in the matter through their elected representatives, and in the United States only Congress can declare wars.

The Quoted: Voice or no voice, the people can always be brough to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.

On a more positive note

2005-09-11T22:21:00.000-04:00

So today is obviously a very sad anniversary for the United States and many others, and will be a somber occasion indefinitely. Oddly enough, it was apparently a really nice day weatherwise when it took place (only term I can use to describe the events is "it" this time around). Same was true of San Francisco that day, I remember. Same was, oddly enough, true of Boston today, pleasant with mid 70s for highs.

I'll try to keep this more positive since my recent posts have been filled with negativity.

I spent most of the day trying to get organized, and succeeding in a few ways. I didn't actually get out until around 3. Took a little walk, found something to munch on, then came back. Did the Con Law, or at least most of it. Then it was time to take a little trip over to the South End to have a look at furniture I had first seen on craigslist. I decided to take my bike, which was a bad decision in terms of having to deal with chewed up roads and knucklehead drivers, but a good one for many other reasons. It was an ideal afternoon for a trip out in the fresh air. And it was a dream come true.. I went over there, made the purchase, and then decided to take the scenic route back, complete with the unpredictable traffic flows of central Boston. I took Commonwealth through Back Bay, then went Arlington to Beacon and went along the path that runs through Boston Common up Beacon Street, right up to the State House. Went around the backside and wound through the quaint throwback Beacon Hill neighborhood. Then the "worth it" moment came around as I was crossing the Longfellow Bridge. Straight out of a movie or something, it was just me, the road, the bridge, the salt-and-pepper-shaker piers.. and the setting sun casting its glow right down the center of the bridge. That was the first time I have ever actually ridden into the sunset. Talk about serendipity - for a little fella like me, it really doesn't get much better than that.

So now it's Sunday night, and, of course, I still have work to do. Like Robert Frost, I probably have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep (and miles to go before I sleep); like Langston Hughes, I wonder what will happen to my dreams, which might well be deferred for another hour or two.. unless I can summon up the discipline to hit the sack a little earlier and do it Ben Franklin style.

Actually, I kind of like that idea. I think I'm gonna go for it.

Muy buenas noches

:-)

Full Circle

2005-09-07T08:51:00.000-04:00

I began the wild rollercoaster ride that is law school a year ago today, along with over 500 of my classmates. Amazing that it's already been that long. I have changed so much over the past year, facing challenges and having certain experiences that have transformed the way I look at things, the way I conduct myself, and the goals I have established. Probably even the way I write, too, at least when it comes to blog entries! :-)

Nevertheless, as they say, the more things change, the more they stay the same. At my core, I'm the same person as I always was. My core values haven't changed since I was about five years old. My skin color definitely hasn't changed - if anything, it's a little darker now, since, as I like to say, I'm usually a much lighter shade in March than in September (now I'd call myself "mahogany," whereas I'd go with "caramel" in March). My curiosity has increased dramatically, but my core curiosity characteristic has stayed the same.

Here's something else that has remained the same, and something I've seen again and again and again, seemingly uglier each time: This country is totally doomed if it continues on the path it's on right now. Maybe not in the short term, but definitely in the long term. And let me tell you why: the two major problems in the American mindset that will one day cause Americans' smug global hegemony to decline like a giant meteor plunging into the atmosphere (I know this sounds pretty strong, but check this out yo) are ignorance and apathy. I know that's not all that original, but to be more specific, Americans tend to be extraordinarily self-interested, paying attention to others only through lip service. I think some are genuinely altruistic, but only if there's at least something in it for them (tax deductions, for example). They generally don't pay a lot of attention to problems around the world except when the plight of other nations and peoples pops up on their TV screens for a few days, but when it goes away things go right back to the way they were, almost without missing a beat. Or if they do, they don't try to understand what's going on and WHY it's going on and what they might be able to do, however small, to improve the situation. The mentality seems to echo what JFK said more than 44 1/2 years ago, although changed slightly: "Ask not what I can do for you; ask what you can do for me." Then we'll talk, as long as you can hook me up with what I'm looking for this time. That can force submission in the short term, but in the long term there's no way that will work. If you consider the U.S. an empire (particularly with economic and linguistic imperialism - at least one reason English is such a popular second language MUST be that people want to communicate with visitors from the United States who have a lot of money - after all, they wouldn't be able to travel outside their own country otherwise. As we see, there are some who can't travel outside their own county, which is now clear in the saddest of ways), then just look at all the others, all of which came crashing down: Rome, Constantinople (yeah, names of two cities but also the centers of two empires), Greece, Egypt, Spain, England to some extent, France to some extent, Nazi Germany, Imperial Japan, the Soviet Union, and now, in some ways, the United States. True, some of these empires imploded while outsiders defeated others, but the fact is that people will almost always resist ultimate subjugation in the long run. It's only a matter of time before the empire gets too big to sustain itself and then meets resistance that eventually brings it down for good.

OK, so pardon the stream of consciousness there. That's the ignorance - many Americans just don't know what's going on out there.. but the second prong is far more dangerous and more difficult to change: they don't care! They really don't. Call it human nature if you will, but if it keeps going this way then we're going to be mired in conflict for some time to come. They act first in the interests of themselves as individuals, then in the interests of their families and friends, then in the interests of their group (primarily along racial lines but also very much along socioeconomic class lines), and then in the interests of the nation as a whole - but almost never, really, as for the last one. If you can't do something good for any of those subsets in the short term, then they don't care about you, mostly because they think they don't have to (interesting that I keep saying "they" even though I was born and raised in the United States and parts of my family have been on this land mass for thousands of years and in this country since its inception!) - after all, in America, everything is provided for, and the opportunities are almost endless. That often turns out to be more myth than reality, but it's incredibly seductive, both for potential and actual immigrants and for those born and raised here. It's kind of like Westphalia - you just draw the lines, and everything on this side is my problem, and everything on that side is your problem. We can work out a deal as long as I get the maximum benefit. If you've ever heard the saying, "It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game" changed to "It's not whether you win or lose, it's whether I win," all you have to do is think of both together to grasp the American way of dealing with the rest of the world and the American attitude towards fellow human beings and societies. The Americans will tend to try to make the game one that is always favorable to them so that they win as often as possible. Sure, human nature again, possibly, but if you don't agree to play a fair game (yeah, yeah, yeah, "What's fair?" I hear the critics sounding off already), then the dog will definitely bite you if you keep twisting its arm. And if you're too smug about it, the dog will bite you in the ass. That's more or less what's going on today, in my not-so-humble-anymore opinion.

I know this sounds like a load of hubris and a load of crap, but I really believe that the core of all the problems associated with Hurricane Katrina can be attributed to, and explained by, the ignorance and apathy I have just described, which are pervasive in the American way of thinking on almost all levels.

Yes, talk is cheap, and I have spent a lot of time complaining. So what am I gonna do about all this? Just what I'm doing now. My goal is to help as many people as possible understand each other, with the theory that the more they understand each other and realize that they're more similar than they think they are (again, referencing human nature here), the more they will want to know about each other, and the more they will come to care about each other. Wishful thinking, for sure, but I have to roll the dice on this one. In fact, that's not just my goal.. it's my mission.

Now, since I come from the United States whether I like it or not, I just have to avoid being a hypocrite, like so many of my fellow countrymen and women.

And wouldn'tchaknowit.. today's my first day of law school AGAIN, but the second year. New courses. New faces. New challenges. Old faces. Old school. Same school. Go figure. Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose (from our French pal from way back - pardon the missing accents!).

Time to get geared up for the season opener.. more to come soon.

-Chris, mid-morning of 9/7/2005

Rage Against the Machine (not the band)

2005-09-03T13:00:00.000-04:00

I type not in disbelief, but more in despair than anything else.

The elephant in the room has trampled us again, and it looks like he got us real good this time.

If you guessed I was referering to the disaster that was, is, and will be the devastation wrought by Hurricane Katrina, you'd be right. Let me explain why I'm not writing in disbelief, though. Most of us unbelievably fortunate enough to live in a country not where things are necessarily provided, but where they are available, cannot even imagine the situation on the ground in Louisiana, Mississippi, and elsewhere. So many have lost so much - people, homes, belongings, all of the above in a horrifying number of cases. This is obvious. There's something else that's obvious and that can make people fly into a fit of rage rather than a fit of sadness.. and I find myself going down that fiery road myself. My people are dying - that's clear. My people are desperately in need of anything and everything to just stay alive at this point - forget about all the other stuff. But here's the angering point - and please cover your eyes because I'm about to use very strong language and terms of condemnation. The government of the country of which these people are citizens, that is supposed to protect them in substance, in procedure, and even in principle, DOESN'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THEM. Almost never has, except for its own ends. Many of us have known that all along, but now it comes to light in the nastiest and ugliest of ways. As Randall Robinson put it, they are dying like dogs. This is the country with the greatest abundance of resources the world has ever seen, and it won't help them. Notice that I didn't say "can't" help them. It won't. It can help itself. It can help its own, because the people who really run it feel no connection to those who need them most, conveniently forgetting that this country was built on the backs of their ancestors and that they carry it on their backs today, along with all the others who are oppressed economically, politically, socially, environmentally, and just about any other way you can imagine (don't forget that without Black folks, there would be no United States of America. I swear that on my soul, and anyone who wants to dispute it with me should feel free to do so and be prepared for an unforgettable enlightenment). And the government doesn't give a fuck. These fucking bureaucrats just sit back and ask people to be "patient" because the aid is coming, yet they can order airstrikes halfway around the world within a matter of minutes. You've got to be fucking kidding me, right? But NO. That's what we're up against. I would start criticizing some of them by name, but you know exactly who they are. And you know exactly what they want. And you know exactly who and what they care everything in the world about and who they are perfectly complacent to watch rotting in the streets. Don't ever tell me this is not the case. Yes, I am angry, but my judgment is sound. I have been thinking this from day one and saying it quietly from day two. Now I have to say it loudly.

This could very easily turn into a book, right here, right now. I won't take it there.. yet..

So yeah, it's easy to play the blame game. It's much harder to play the results game, but I think that's the best we can do at this point, and what we must do if we're to have any chance of preventing such tremendous human tragedy from happening again. Of course, it will happen again, probably in a different form and on a different scale. But now, the question has to be what will work to change the system. This is a systemic problem. It will be extremely difficult to even begin to solve. But you have to wonder: is the answer a show of force? Is it massive protests that will certainly fall on deliberately deaf ears, or that will get a "quick fix" (as in throwing money at some organization or other entity) just to try to get people to shut up and/or go away and then let the underlying problems fade briefly into the background until the cycle repeats itself? Is it massive political mobilization? Is it not only demanding, but seizing, economic opportunities and ways to educate all of ourselves, as people of the United States and even elsewehre, about ourselves? It's so true that talk is cheap. What always happens after something like this is that people get really angry, show their anger, get people to talk calmly about what to do to prevent such a terrible event from ever happening again, taking inadequate steps, and then hoping everything will boil over so that they'll be better prepared next time not to deal with the actual emergency or problem itself, but more the response of people who demanded that something be done. I can't stand this shit. Excuse my foul language again, please. The government has found ways to fuck with us for literally hundreds of years. Why is it that we can almost never channel our anger and desperation into MEANINGFUL and LASTING change? We need something right now that will continue to function correctly years and years from now. We need to be prepared. We need assurances that the government will fulfill the fundamental purpose of every government on Earth: to provide for the well-being of those it governs. Now, of course, some do that in a fucked-up way, including this country's government in so many different ways. What's so frustrating is that it doesn't have to be that way. All we have to do is look out for each other. I say "we" because .. and this is something I've been fortunate to learn more and more as I've traveled around the world .. although there are striking differences between us, we are all the same, scientifically and socially. We all want basically the same things. We all need basically the same things. If we could learn to share amicably, the vast majority of any interpersonal problems we have would disappear. This is a lesson for the government of this country, my country. BTW, an aside - I realize that in certain other countries out there I would probably be dead at government hands already for saying these things. As the officials in government with the most power are ironically fundamentalist, they might benefit from the Biblical expression "Love thy neighbor as thyself." Every day they fail to do this is a day of blistering hypocrisy, and they are incredibly guilty of it. Whether or not we take care of each other when we need to take care of each other should have nothing to do with what we look like, where we're from, what we do, or how we came to be in whatever situations we find ourselves. Like so many others, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired, but I'm also sick of people standing by and ignoring or wishing away the troubles we're facing, whether deep underground, just under the surface, or right up in our faces.

In sum, we will have to be extremely creative as we confront these very new and far-too-old challenges. I'm going to do it my way. Tell me yours, and I promise I will listen.

- Chris, Cambridge, Massachusetts, 1:00 in the afternoon, Saturday, September 3, 2005

Katrina

2005-08-31T11:58:00.000-04:00

Forget about me for a second. I think that's probably one of the explanations for my six-month-plus break from blogging - I can't really handle "all me, all the time" all that well. Just as it's hard to care about the outcome of a sports contest when someone gets seriously injured, it's hard to feel comfortable with such amenities as a computer to blog on, not to mention lots of other stuff, when you know that your fellow humans are in a real emergency and struggling to survive. Of course, this is the case all around the world every day, but when a catastrophe like Hurricane Katrina strikes and media outlets (unfortunately, many of whom are probably not just salivating, but frothing at the mouth - I say this as someone who has worked in both public and commercial media and thought at one time that I might make a career out of it someday) overwhelm your senses with the devastation and havoc, it's hard not to feel the strong emotions rising up, making you feel sad almost without feeling angry because you have a newfound respect for the awesome power of nature.

Just a quick word on nature, to show you how unbelievably weird I can be sometimes: I was riding the subway train in Boston one pleasant afternoon last April. I had just picked a couple of flowers off of flowering trees at the corner of Boston Common near Tremont and Boylston. One of the trees was a Cherry (not sakura), and the other was a Dogwood. On the train, I looked closely at the stamens and pistils of the flowers and immediately thought of what an ingenious method for reproduction it was, having worked extremely well for who knows how long by using the wind, flying insects, and just about any other method of getting pollen from one flower to another compatible flower. I wondered if human beings could ever have really come up with anything like that. We're talking about these two little flowers, each with a system that's almost perfect for reproducing.. and I kept doubting that the trees could have done any better. But you know, that's nature. Katrina, a major tropical cyclone that has already spelled the end of a lot of things and is going to have to spell the beginnings of others, is another example of nature. Nature can be as calm as a flower's pollen blowing in the soft breeze and as violent as a storm that wipes out just about anything and everything in its path along the coast. And this is just one planet. Just one moment in time. I'm serious - it's really pretty incredible if you take a step back and think about it for a second.

No hurricanes in California.. our version of such a natural disaster is earthquakes. I've been through one of those, although the devastation wasn't even close to what we've been seeing from Katrina. Sheer terror for an eight-and-a-half-year-old kid, sure, but I'm actually blogging from the same house I was in during that quake, back in 1989. There might be closer parallels to the Great Earthquake of 1906, 75 years to the day before I was born in the same city. First there was the quake. Then there was the fire. Most of the city was destroyed. All the city's residents were literally rattled. It seems so insignificant when you think about it - just a shift in the Earth's plates, a way to release tension the same way a baby burps. But it destroyed so many lives, literally and figuratively. Still, the key is that despite the destruction and crushing hardship brought on by the earthquakes - both in 1906 and probably again in 1989 - the City came back, arguably even stronger. In fact, our city flag has a phoenix on it, the mythical bird that always rises from ashes. San Francisco is a much different place thanks to 1906 and 1989. You see the differences every day. I might almost call 1989 a dividing line in San Francisco history, as in pre- and post-. My point is that I have no doubt that New Orleans, Biloxi, and all the other villages, towns, and cities in Katrina's wake will do the same.

The problem is that while it is possible to repair much of the literal damage, it is much more difficult to repair the emotional and psychological damage a natural disaster can cause. I genuinely feel for the families who have lost members, homes, or both. For real. I have friends from there. I have relatives from there - the families of my grandma's parents were both from Louisiana. Regardless, doesn't matter - when anyone is in the path of nature's fury and doesn't make it to the other side in one piece, all you can do is pray and offer whatever support you can give. They say they need money - yeah, I'm a student, but I reach for my checkbook. Tough for me because I know that anything I send will never be "enough," but at least it will be something. If it buys a family a tasty and healthy meal and gives them some comfort amid all the horror, I will be more than satisfied. As with so many other things, there's only so much you can do. You just have to live with it, and you've got to keep positive hope.

True, there are a lot of "whys" to be asked, but I feel like we can't really worry too much about that right now. There's a job to be done. Big job. I think, for once, that my own insatiable curiosity will have to wait.

I'm back

2005-08-29T17:10:00.000-04:00

So you have to wonder at least this much: why would somebody start out blogging like crazy and then take six and a half months to write another entry? Laziness? Forgetfulness, perhaps? Some kind of trepidation? All of the above? Your guess is as good as mine.. I used to think I didn't really know anybody like that, and then I discovered that I knew a person like that extremely well. Craziness. But anywayz, yeah, I'm still kickin', somehow.. not sure why I crawled into a little blogger's gopher hole for the past half-year (I mean, dang, man - last time I wrote anything on here the Earth was on the other side of its orbit!!).

I once heard Audre Lorde denounce lack of inspiration as an excuse for not writing anything. She basically said to start writing and let the inspiration follow, but not to allow the lack thereof to serve as an impediment (was that a crappy sentence? Probably). I made that mistake this time. A lot has happened to me over the past six months that would almost definitely have been bloggable, but now most of it has lots its charm because it no longer has immediacy. It's not "hot news," but instead crusting in the file cabinets of my wildly unpredictable memory (you know - sometimes I can remember exactly what I had for breakfast on this date 15 years ago but not what I had for breakfast yesterday.. or, worse, this morning). Still, I got the inspiration from a surprise source. You see, there was this person I actually met at a bus stop in Rome, exactly one month ago. But for a whole series of events that day, I probably never would have met this person. Yet again, but for a surprise phone call I got from the person, who told me, "I've been reading your blog," I probably wouldn't be writing any of this. I might even wait another six months. But now I know that at least two people out there actually read this, so I know it wasn't all a waste. I tried to think of it as an investment back when I was starting out, thinking it would make for some nice nostalgia and a nice little window into my crazy little world where you really never know what's going to go down next but have to believe it'll be something grand, dahling. Now I'm under time pressure. If I don't wrap this up quick I'll be ordered to put my shoes on by a guy who will become an angry Black man very quickly. I'm going to try to avoid that. So I should stop now. It won't be six months before the next time I write anything. Besides, I have to go back to school just a few days from now, and there's always something juicy and spicy to blog about when you're back in school after a long and adventurous hiatus.

Been around the world and I, I, I... am not that egotistical, honest! I should start talking about people more in here.. you know, like a miniature gossip column. I wonder if people would go for that?

Hunched at the carrel

2005-02-08T21:01:00.000-05:00

OK, so I clearly have quite a ways to go before I become one of those super-bloggers. The blogger revolution is spreading all across the land. I'm not quite on the front lines. I'm lying back, waiting for my big move. Yeah, right. I don't even know why I do this in the first place. Is it really for no reason other than to write things out from time to time and, for some reason, post them on the web? Is it because blog is one of my favorite words, especially since it's a noun, a verb, sometimes an adjective, and hopefully someday an interjection.. as in BLOG! Will it be positive or negative, though? That remains to be seen. The real question could be whether it will be an interjection at all.

Enough distraction. Time to continue. More on the way, for sure.

Flocons de neige

2005-01-26T08:01:00.000-05:00

More snow this morning. It's really coming down right now - big, fluffy flakes stuck together and pouring from the sky. It's fun to just sit around and just watch the snow sometimes. I still consider just about every snowfall one of the most beautiful I've ever seen. Today's is really nice, too. And to think I have to go out there in a few minutes.. but I don't mind that. It'll give me another chance to connect with my inner child!

Aujourd'hui

2005-01-25T17:24:00.000-05:00

For most of the day today, I arguably felt better than I have at any point since Saturday morning, August 30, 2003, which I spent in Washington, D.C. I'm trying to appreciate that as much as I can because I know days like these only come around every so often.

My number one goal in life is to make as many people as possible feel good about themselves. And there you have it. There are a lot of things, a lot of people, and a lot of issues I really care about, but that one concept tops almost all the rest. I typically break down the Biblical doctrine of "Love thy neighbor as thyself" (quite possibly my favorite doctrine of all time) into "Love thy neighbor" and "Love thyself" (but not in a pretentious sense.. not arrogance, just contentment and confidence). I wonder how much different the world would be if more of us loved our neighbors and loved ourselves.

This Could be the Start of Something

2005-01-25T08:19:00.000-05:00

.. Something. Not sure what, but I have a feeling something will come around this time around. We're all about to find out as second semester kicks off this morning, a day later than scheduled thanks to the Blizzard of 2005. I'm looking forward to it.. maybe in a sick and twisted kind of way. Still, I'm hoping I'll feel a little more grounded this time than I did last semester. There were a few days there when I had my head in the clouds and couldn't really do much about it. Now we head into Round 2.. all of us.. and hopefully our heads are still high. All I hope is that my own head is screwed on better than it was a few months ago, but time will tell...

I miss the "break" already. It was really fun getting to make a snow angel in the yard at the tail end of the blizzard. I've only done that a few times, ever. The snowman is my next big project. I'll see if anyone else is up for making one of those.

OK, here goes. The diving board springs, and I leap high into the air, just clearing the edge. Time to concentrate on the form and see what I can do to impress the judges. No pressure!

Any Bliss from a Blizzard?

2005-01-23T10:41:00.000-05:00

That's right. Blizzard. That's what they're calling the storm that's pounding New England and most of the northeastern part of the Eastern seaboard this morning. It's really something. Like right now, for example. 12 degrees outside the window. Snow still pouring from the sky. Waltz of the Snowflakes - Tchaikovsky would be proud and might be astonished, even for being a Russian. Gusts of wind sending plumes of snow spiraling up into the air and leaves from the tree across the street (brown) swirling up into the vortices. Icicles hanging from windows and dropping from eaves. There are even birds out there trying to brave the weather.. yes, even they have places to go on mornings like this one. It's sort of a good thing it's still the weekend.. 'cuz if this were a weekday, fahgettaboutit! If you're in a vehicle, you either can't get there from here or, even if you could, trying would be almost crazy. Gotta wait a few hours until the dust/snow literally settles, then go from there and see about making your way through the snow and the ice and the scene that's about as wintry as you'll find, I'd venture to say. Yes, I may be from San Francisco, but this is the winter scene you hear about in poetry or in stories about people's childhood (you know, the stories about walking five miles to and from school, uphill, both ways.. I always imagined a few of those days might be something like this. Speaking of that, it's still surprising that it often takes extreme snow to cancel school, not extreme cold - only when the school buses stop running!), or in novels with dramatic wintry events. I mean, who knows how much snow is on the ground now (a lot, that's for sure) out there, but when it's 11.8 on the thermo and you have winds gusting up to 40, 50 mph.. this, my friend, must be Old Man Winter as we hardly ever see him.

I only hope everyone's alright. They're saying coastal flooding plus the wind and the cold and (oh yeah) the falling/blowing/drifting snow and the ice make for a hazardous blizzard.

I asked people before I came over here whether winter could really be that bad. Almost all of them said, "Yep. You'll see!" After spending the past week here and in New York City, where it was either sunny and really cold or snowy and also really cold, I'm starting to get it. I'm amazed people have to get through this year after year and that it seems to last longer around here than a typical season should. That's just how it goes in the curved 42 N/71 W square.

This is definitely one of the whitest days I've ever seen. Also one of the nastiest. I've never watched a blizzard. I look out there and I feel lucky. I feel my spirit. It drives me to do things like blog twice in two days, something I haven't done for quite some time now. I don't know if I can keep it up, but I hope it won't take a blizzard to make me do it.

OK, back to trying to ride out the storm and ride the emotional rollercoaster at the same time. Challenge, yes. Fun, can be.

And as I wrap this one up, the storm lets out a howl and sprinkles a little more. That's what I'm saying. Holla at cha boy...

:-)
Chris

The cozy depths of it

2005-01-22T20:09:00.000-05:00

Wow, did this take a long time or what? I've been away from this thing for over a month now. I surprise even myself sometimes. I think I even wrote something in here about procrastinating, and now here I am doing exactly what I told myself not to be doing. Can't explain it. Another bad habit that sometimes goes away but then comes roaring back at inconvenient times.

A lot has happened in my patchwork of a life over this past month. In many ways, I'm feeling a lot better now than I was back then. I'm glad it's a new year. I've been trying to appreciate any chances I have to start refreshed. At the same time, I now have some major challenges, many of which I've never faced before and that could be even harder than the ones that came my way throughout the second half of last year. I can only hope I'm better prepared to approach them this time.

My inner child has run wild the past few days. Yesterday I watched bookends of the day for the first time in a long time. I impulsively went up to the top floor of my building and watched the sunrise. It was just a few minutes after seven in the morning, 2 degrees outside with a light breeze blowing, but crystal clear in a rare sense (you don't see days like these.. well, every day). I watched the sun rise up over the skyline of downtown Boston. Inspiring would be a good way to put it. I tend to draw a lot of inspiration from the sun, mostly in strange ways, but also in common ways, seeing as none of us would be here without the sun. But anyway, I also watched the sun set over the rolling hills to the southwest. Also inspiring. I've seen about ten times as many sunsets as sunrises in my lifetime, but they're equally inspiring, although in different senses.

Needless to say (but said anyway), yesterday was a chilly day with highs around 12 here. I probably spent more than my fair share of time outside, trying to have fun with it, sometimes succeeding, other times having a rougher go of it. A friend of mine and I had a little adventure around 9 last night, walking all the way down Newbury St. from Mass Ave to the Public Garden when it must have been down around 5 deg. or so with a stiff breeze out of the Northwest. I kept asking her how much she would take to do the Freedom Trail right then. She said she would do it on a dare! How 'bout THAT? I'm not sure I would have had that kind of strength or even that kind of craziness. Well, I had to summon up a little of both, since we ended up walking (slowly!) through the Public Garden and then up the hill of Boston Common before ducking into the station. Now that was cold. But that was a nice little adventure. I now have enough feeling back in my fingers to be able to write this. I'm thankful for that. I really appreciate my fingers now more than ever before. I mean, I always did, but when you're out in the elements around here around this time of year, you have to look out for the digits with a little more diligence.

Low was -1 outside my window this morning and -2 over on the other side. Cloudy most of the day. There was a leak two floors up that seeped down here and ended up making a terrible combined mess of three rooms in the building. That was a more unpleasant adventure. Anywayz, I did the usual - domestic chores, a little walking, a little soul-searching (like every day!), trying to get it all in before the BLIZZARD, which is going almost full-blast right now. Snow is pouring from the sky and blowing almost sideways. I've never seen anything like that. I might not have mentioned the freezing fog that goes along with the snow. Pretty unbelievable. This is about as wintry a scene as I could ever imagine. I know it's inconvenient, but I actually kind of like standing over by the window and watching the snow coming down from the sky. I'm lucky to get to do that in the first place. It reminds me of peace.

Speaking of winter.. will it be the winter of my content? I don't know for sure. I think it'll be tough, but I think there's potential. I haven't lost my optimism, even after spending all this time on the East Coast (I will NEVER lose my West Coast roots, although I have respect for plenty of other places on the globe).

Second semester is comin' 'round Monday morning around a quarter to noon. Daunting, yes. Impossible, hopefully not. A breeze, definitely not. Rewarding, definitely, as long as I can tell you a nice story just after around the third week of May. We'll see soon enough!

So much to say.. but now that it's been over a month, I might have to break it up a little bit. My goal is to try to put a little more substantive content in here instead of my usual stream-of-consciousness, which no one reads anyway.

There's a good question. Why am I really doing this if no one will read it? Do I really want anyone to read it? Is it just that I want to be able to say I made it AVAILABLE for others to read, or that I want to be able to read it myself anytime and anywhere with an Internet connection, or am I really trying to publish my thoughts dirt-cheap?

The answer will come in writing. It will come.

Now snow and fog are pouring down together. Old Man Winter is making his presence felt in the fullest sense.

More to come.. and hopefully it won't take me another MONTH this next time!

QUE LA PAZ SEA CONTIGO
:-)
Chris

It's that time again

2004-12-16T22:18:00.000-05:00

I'm doing something now I really should do more often. Or, to rephrase, should have done more often. I'm just writing whatever pops into my head, while trying to give it some kind of basic structure. I only hope that what I say has at least a chance of making some sense.

We are winding down now.. finally.. even though we'll have to crank it up at the same time. I'm certainly a long way from the person I was only three months and nine days ago, on my first day of law school. I know all of us have come a long way since then. I've faced some challenges I anticipated for a long time and others I wouldn't ever have seen coming. I can feel myself starting to overcome them, at least in part. Confidence in your progress against challenges is a great feeling, and I've sought it out wherever and whenever possible.

I'm genuinely impressed every day by the community I've observed and, oddly enough, been a part of over the last few months. These people just boggle my mind. I keep wanting to connect with their backgrounds, see what makes them tick, see how every one of them has maintained an inner well-oiled machine. As I make new discoveries, I get even more and more excited. Sometimes I sit back and think it might actually not be so bad after all.

The time has come for me to do whatever I can to engage myself with the mass of legal material that has come hurtling my way over the past few months. I will rest at times, I will hopefully laugh often and much just as Ralph Waldo Emerson would have me do, and I will definitely keep smiling and keep trying.. but now my mission is to fill my (legal) spirit with the doctrine. My hope is to spring forward, grounded in the doctrine but searching constantly for nooks and crannies, peaks and valleys, and especially loopholes. Conquering the Doctrine mountain range is a tall order, but you can't win if you don't play.

The trick is to turn it all into fun and games. There has to be a way to pull that off, and that's what I'll be going after from now until when it really counts.

Are we about to get there?

2004-12-14T23:56:00.000-05:00

So we're winding down.. the semester is over on Friday. I'm looking forward to it in a bittersweet kind of way. I spend a lot of time steeped in reflection over how things have gone, the challenges that have come hurtling at me (some seemingly like runaway freight trains), the steps I've had to take to get to this point and the pushing and shoving people gave me to make it possible. I'm grateful for all of that. I'm at least remotely hopeful that something good will come of all this. I'll just try to wrap it up as best I can.. just try to maintain.. just try to pull it all together, possibly by magic or something like that.

I'm Still Here

2004-12-09T10:07:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I'm still here. Sometimes I can't even believe it. I don't know how so much time goes by and I can feel myself procrastinating on the blog and yet I still do nothing about it. I thought I'd kicked the procrastination habit. I've tried hard, but it looks like I haven't gotten all the way there. One of these days.

I think I've said that before somewhere. Probably those exact same words.

So, to explain what's been going on and why I've laid off the blogging. New things have been popping up day after day. That's the best I can do to describe them. New feelings, new experiences, new thoughts, etc., etc. Too much to get them all down.. and then there are the cases, and the applications, and the meetings, and everything else that comes with being a first-year law student that only seems to intensify as the days get shorter and the nights get longer and colder! Not to make it sound that gloomy, but then again, the mood does change somewhat when it's dark at five in the afternoon. I know that won't be for long, but still.. there are a few things you never quite get adjusted to, even after going through them for a decent length of time. I dont' think I'll ever get used to the short days, or the cold weather, or the quick changes in the weather. I'm not sure I'll ever get used to the hard-core spirit of this place, which isn't always overt but, for some reason, seems to always be in the back of people's collective mind. Not sure if it's the history, or the other students, or the general atmosphere/culture. I've tried hard to avoid it. I think I've been at least partially successful, but honestly, I don't really know what's ahead. I can only hope everything takes care of itself. I'm just not sure exactly what to do, or how much to do, to create the best chance of everything working out as well as can be expected. Plus I'd rather not learn the hard way. Could be, though, that the hard way is the only way, at least this year. They say it all gets easier. I definitely hope so.

Another stream of consciousness paragraph for ya.

So what else... well, holiday decorations are up all over the place. That's always nice. The holiday spirit seems to be an important part of life around these parts around this time of year, which always warms the heart. There's something about the wreaths on the lampposts, the multi-colored lights left on all night, the long coats and the nog/cider, that gives you that warm and fuzzy feeling. The warmth and the fuzziness can feel different depending on the setting and the circumstances, but the pervasiveness of the decorations and the spirit makes it hard to avoid getting the warm and fuzzy feeling, at least a little bit. Of course, it could be that I'm trying to bring out the warmth and fuzziness by talking about it.. as we have all learned so painfully this year, overtalking something can drill it into people's heads, a truth that for some reason has endured just about every test of time we have. Go back as far as you want. You'll still find it popping up, even way, WAY back. Amazing. So in this case, if I am in fact trying to talk up the warmth and fuzziness of the holiday season, at least I'm doing it for purposes of good will!

Another quick note on school: the semester is winding down for all of us first-years, but finals are on the way for the second years and the third years. I'm starting to see the stress everyone told me about before I came over here. It's too bad. I hate seeing the looks of stress on people's faces, and sometimes even on my own face. People seem tired of it, sick of it, ready to get it over with, but at the same time looking forward to what's ahead and just knowing that there are a few hurdles to clear before reaching what they hope will be a nice reward. People have certainly changed. I'm not sure whether that means they're feeling more settled or more restless. It could mean both. Either way, though, we're almost there. Almost. Just a little more to crank out and then we'll reach that point when we can slump back and think back on how ridiculous everything was and could be if we're not too careful.

I feel so awkward saying these things. I have plenty of my own issues to deal with while so many others are literally in battles many, many times harder. My battle is against myself, and it's a tough one. But I have to pray for the others.. all of them. Speaking of that.. why can't we just give peace a chance? We NEVER have. EVER. We've tried and failed over and over. Still, I refuse to believe that it isn't possible. I can't accept that conflict is part of human nature. You know why? Because we're smarter than that! We're smart enough to be really good at conflict.. shouldn't that also mean we're smart enough to figure out how to live well together? I just wish we could put our brains and energy towards those kinds of ends, not towards degrading and destroying each other. I think we can. I know I'm crazy for saying that.. but if I weren't that crazy, I wouldn't be myself.

I spend every day and most nights in the psychological trenches, just trying to get to the next one. I hope it's not too far away. I've struggled to trust myself for almost 24 years, and I'm finally starting to get there. Can I do it? There you have a window into my psyche and my daily musings slash battles slash fantasies.

OK, onward and upward. The fragmentation will continue, but hopefully it will come together. One lesson I've learned very, very well over the past few months is the importance of fueling hope. Sometimes it's all you have to go on, so you have to feed it and care for it with everything you have. If I've fueled your hope or given you a reason to fuel your hope, I'm happy. If not yet, I'll keep trying until I get there.

Best wishes, for sure.

:-)
Chris

How nice

2004-11-14T22:04:00.000-05:00

"When I saw she had a blog, I knew we would be making out sometime soon."

-Friend o' mine

2004-11-12T10:04:00.000-05:00

I have had goodnesses and many good things. I want for you the goodnesses and the good things I have never had for myself. The truth of this lies deep inside

Oh my

2004-11-03T23:39:00.000-05:00

Just when you think it can't get any worse, millions of voters, most of them in a massive Heartland Attack, come in and pour salt on the wounds of this country and our brothers and sisters around the world. Do they think this is the Land of Make-Believe from Mister Rogers's Neighborhood??

Will somebody please slap me in the face so I can wake up from this nightmare?

Are my nextdoor neighbors my enemies? I don't want to think that, but look at what we're facing. I don't get it, my friend. I don't get it, my enemy. Can anyone help me out on this one? Please?

The big day

2004-11-02T17:10:00.000-05:00

This is arguably the day we've all been waiting for since the end of 2000. We've been gearing up for this Election Day for the past four years, so now that it's finally here it's hard to tell what to make of it. Voters are turning out in record numbers this time. They say the voter turnout nationwide could be the highest since the famous 1960 election (just think: if it weren't for Chicago, the world might be a very different place. I'm not trying to be pretentious when I say that). Who will it be? What problems will pop up this time? Will the results again be too close to call? I'm trying again to avoid talking too much about politics, but on a day like this and at a place like this (where everyone is grappling with all the potential legal issues that might make cameo appearances not too long from now), it's hard to stay away. Of course, I'm a classic San Francisco liberal, leaning markedly to the left most of the time, but what I really hope about this election is that it's CLEAN. It won't be, but that's my dream. Our democracy sucks in so many ways. If we call ourselves the model democracy of the world, why can't we get it right? Why do we still have the Electoral College when it doesn't serve the same ends it did 200 years ago? I mean, what is going on here? For real? I'm right with Marvin in asking that...

So I ask these questions without proposing any solutions. You thought I was about to close up shop.. but NO! The solutions are out there. Of course, they cost money, but I think it would be worth it to ensure that our democracy functions well whenever it's time for an election. We need to figure out which voting system works best and then give everyone incentives to use that system until we figure out something even better. We need to crack down on voter intimidation AND voter fraud - two wrongs don't make a right! One more for now.. the Electoral College has got to go! What's so wrong with counting up all the votes and making the winner whoever gets more votes? Sure, it could still be close, but the Electoral College's all-or-nothing approach is ludicrous. Most of the time the Electoral College winner is also the popular vote winner, but sometimes, as we know so well, it hasn't been the same guy! Isn't that a problem? The ends don't always justify the means!

Listen to me ramble!

You listened to me ramble?

Sometimes I don't even listen to myself ramble. I just ramble!

OK, time to sit back for a moment and take it all in and then see what things look like from there. All I can do now is hope for the best. Deep down, I know we can get this job done right. I just hope that day comes sooner and not later.

Chris

The Other Side of October

2004-10-31T11:49:00.000-05:00

So here we are at the end of October, on Halloween day, the 25-hour day of 2004 in most of the United States (let me tell you this: I could DEFINITELY use more of these extra-hour days. Then again, things would be so much easier if I could just go without sleeping). Time to get spooked out again, but not without having a little fun. Fall is in full swing. The leaves are still swirling down while the pace has started to pick up around here. I've been spooked in more ways than one throughout this entire month. The city of Boston has gotten to enjoy a special sports treat for the first time since 1918 (as cheesy as this is, there was no trick this year, just the treat). My old memories have haunted me just about every day this month, some of dreamy nostalgia and others of bitter regret. I've had a hard time balancing them all out and slowing what I'm calling a parade of haunting memories. I wish my own mind didn't have to be haunted.

I've had plenty to be nervous about this month, but the election definitely has me nervous. I have no idea where we go from here, regardless of the outcome. I hate the acrimony. I hate war. Sometimes (like now) I just sit around and wonder what the point of all this is. Why do we always have to be locked in a struggle? Of course, we have to struggle, but it gets tiring. I hate to be cynical, but why is it that the bad seems to come so easily and the good comes at such effort? There's plenty to make any of us mad and sad on any given day...

The better news is that there's also plenty to make us happy. The key is positive energy. It can be hard to find sometimes, but it's out there. I have to keep telling myself that, constantly. Positive thinking, positive spirit, positive outlook can get you through just about anything. At least that's what they tell me. I probably wouldn't be here today if I couldn't feed off the positive energy around me and use it to drive my internal positive-energy machine. In turn, I try to spread the positive energy I process back out into the world, so that others can enjoy it. I often try to generate positive energy in others even when I don't have much to work with (at any given moment) myself. And there you have one of my missions in life. Lofty goals, sure, but not impossible. Any smile I can put on anyone else's face is a good sign that my grand scheme is working. No matter how I feel about myself, I will never, ever stop trying to make other people feel good about themselves. That's the very best I can do, and that means I have to do it because it's a part of who I am. There's a lot I don't know about myself, but that's one thing that hasn't changed since day one.

Yet another stream-of-consciousness. I really like doing that. I don't know if anyone enjoys reading it, but I sure as hail enjoy writing it.

Time to get myself into a pumpkin frame of mind

"The Curse" Is Over!!

2004-10-28T00:55:00.001-04:00

Just a few minutes ago, I was standing out in the Square, along with a couple thousand Red Sox fans. We were all celebrating the Sox' first World Series title since 1918. I still can't believe they pulled off this kind of win. Taking four from the Yankees after being three games down and then taking another four from the Cardinals in the World Series.. it's one of the greatest stories in the history of baseball. I'm not just saying that. They really have made history with their incredible accomplishment. You can probably tell it hasn't really hit me yet. But I knew I had to blog at least a piece of the action, somehow, some way. My fellow blogger/blog-inspirer reminded me of how important it was to blog in this situation.. in fact, we were there (in the Square) together!

Cars are still frantically honking their horns outside. I figure that'll go on just about all night.

This is really something special. Here's the only question: now that there's no more Curse of the Bambino, what's the rallying point? Well, as one of my classmates astutely pointed out, in Boston there will always be an excuse to keep drinking...

I'm happy for these guys. I've always said that if it can't be the Giants, it might as well be one of those other teams out there that hasn't won in a long time. One of these years will be ours.

Energy level low, but spirit level high... more soon. For now, I tip my cap to the Red Sox. It's been a long time.. but they've given us a great example of what happens when you persevere and don't count yourself out - if you look hard enough, you'll find a way to win

:-)

"The Curse" Is Over!!

2004-10-28T00:55:00.000-04:00

Just a few minutes ago, I was standing out in the Square, along with a couple thousand Red Sox fans. We were all celebrating the Sox' first World Series title since 1918. I still can't believe they pulled off this kind of win. Taking four from the Yankees after being three games down and then taking another four from the Cardinals in the World Series.. it's one of the greatest stories in the history of baseball. I'm not just saying that. They really have made history with their incredible accomplishment. You can probably tell it hasn't really hit me yet. But I knew I had to blog at least a piece of the action, somehow, some way. My fellow blogger/blog-inspirer reminded me of how important it was to blog in this situation.. in fact, we were there (in the Square) together!

Cars are still frantically honking their horns outside. I figure that'll go on just about all night.

This is really something special. Only question is this: now that there's no more Curse of the Bambino, what's the rallying point? Well, as one of my classmates quickly pointed out, in Boston there will always be an excuse to keep drinking...

I'm happy for these guys. I've always said that if it can't be the Giants, it might as well be one of those other teams out there that hasn't won in a long time. One of these years will be ours.

Energy level low, but spirit level high... more soon. For now, I tip my cap to the Red Sox. It's been a long time.. but they've given us a great example of what happens when you persevere and don't count yourself out - if you look hard enough, you'll find a way to win

:-)

The Sox!!!

2004-10-20T01:21:00.000-04:00

Now THIS is really something!

I hate that it takes a sporting spectacle to suddenly drive me to write something, but I really can't help it this time. People are going crazy around here over the Red Sox' unbelievable comeback in the ALCS. Regardless of what ends up happening in Game 7, they've already made history - no team in Major League Baseball had EVER come back from being three games down in a best-of-seven series to force a seventh game.. until just a few minutes ago! I'm telling you, it's ridiculous around here. People are driving down Mass Ave hanging out of their car windows and joyfully honking their horns, with none of the usual acrimony of New England drivers. People are screaming as they skip down the sidewalk. It's almost like the whole town's spirits have suddenly jumped up a notch. Today was a gloomy day weatherwise, but you would have no idea from the way people are acting now. Of course, I'm still cooped up in here, but it's tough to ignore what's happening outside. Honestly, I don't know how these guys do it. There's only one thing I'm wondering about, though: who is the Babe rooting for this time?

Fall is in the air

2004-10-18T18:30:00.000-04:00

Sooooo... after a long, LONG week, I've found a little slice of time to wake this blog up from its slumber. I wish I could have spent some time slumbering, too, but things haven't exactly worked out that way. Work has been the name of the game. School work, that is. Plus a little manual labor to boot. All in all, the past few days have been exhilarating sometimes and tiring almost all the time. But that's the way it goes when the legal professorial powers-that-be keep bombarding you with cases. There's only so much you can do. If you don't read them, you'll probably get called on, which doesn't matter in the broad scheme of things, but let's face it: you want to contribute whenever Socrates asserts himself in the form of a cold-call in class. Or maybe you just don't care. Either way, if people around here care, I'm not surprised. If they don't, they almost always do a great job of faking it.

Today really felt like a classic fall day.. the weather was partly cloudy, crisp, cool, and breezy. Not all that cold, but just enough for the season to assert itself. I remember walking down a paved path and seeing yellow leaves falling from a tree, swirling in the wind on their way down to the ground, with the sunlight bringing out their color. "That's why this season is called Fall," I thought to myself. It was a nice little scene, almost like something out of a movie.

Come to think of it, a lot of the experiences I've had so far feel like something out of a movie. Not that I'm movie-worthy at all - I can do some decent character impressions, but I'm not much of an actor. Things just happen. Scenes pop up without warning. This includes everything from people wrapping up their scarves to birds gliding to perch on stone ledges to the single light in a library carrel late at night to people talking and laughing as they stride down the street (not walk - stride!). It's been great.. not always easy to get through the days since there's so much to do, but in so many ways it's been everything I'd always imagined. Sometimes I even think I'm dreaming.

Maybe I really am dreaming. I keep thinking, "This can't be real. This is impossible!" I trudge along, up stairs, down paths, across lawns, under trees, and many other prepositional phrases, and my head is always filled with thoughts I can't find a way to express. They're more like abstract feelings. Sometimes I try to describe them to myself, but I never get too far. What it all boils down to, though, is my quest to make sense of what's really going on around here, how I'm gonna get through this, who I used to be, who I never was, who I wish I could be right now. There's so much going on in there. I can't stop it. I can only get used to it.

I don't even write the way I talk. I want to, but I can't really do it. I talk much worse than I write, except on good days, when I write worse than I talk. I don't write as well as I want to, but that's probably because I don't write as much as I should. I should at least pound out a blog entry more than once a week!

OK, that's enough first-person singular for now.. it'll come back, but for now.. the pace of the classes has started to pick up over the past week. We're all trying to find the balance. In the spirit of the current zodiac sign, Libra, the scales, here's an analogy to the way the semester has been structured so far: One end of the scales has been loaded slowly and deliberately. Now, to balance out the scales, a huge load is being dropped on the other end. Here's the thing, though: we have to shoulder the burden, because we're the scales! The professors are the loaders. The time has come to find our inner strength. It must be around here somewhere, right?

I used to do a lot of talking during the fall, but I think I'm starting to lose my voice. Where is it? How will I find it again? Why am I complaining about it? I thought I wasn't a whiner. Time to turn it around.

Whatever's really going on, music should cure it all

:-)
Chris

Keeping the engine running

2004-10-11T16:47:00.000-04:00

I think the answer to my "laziness" question might be "yes." I haven't written anything on here for a week now. That's just too much time. So much can happen in a week. There's so much to talk about, and now I have to sift through it and put up only a few things, without even knowing whether or not I'm leaving out the good stuff. That leads me to the other reason I haven't been writing: fear. I try to avoid fear whenever possible, but it has really gone to my head this past week. I've been afraid to write. I've been afraid to speak. I've been afraid of myself, going through yet another identity crisis, wondering what I'm doing and why I'm doing it and what this is all for and whether or not it's worth it. I probably sound like a teenager even though I'll be halfway to 24 a week from today. One of these days I'll get it all figured out, or at least start to get my act together. My only question at that point will be whether I'll lose it again.

Are spaced-out comments part of my identity? From reading this, you might think so. One bad sign might be that my oral grammar in Italian is often better than my oral grammar in English. For real! Una situazione molto complessa

Here's something else that might seem startling: I used to be much more long-winded than I am now. Some might even call me short-winded. In my drive to be concise, I've cut out all the meat. In my drive to be precise, I've cut out the healthy vegetables. I have no idea why I just said that. I don't even eat meat!

The key is to keep smiling, no matter what

:-)
Chris

2004-10-04T09:59:00.000-04:00

Are these entries gradually getting shorter? Am I starting to get lazy? Already? Am I purposefully starting every sentence with a word that starts with A? Are you sick of this? Do you want pictures to substitute for all the words (broke the string there)?

Looks like Fall is starting to come around around here.

I get ridiculously playful with the language sometimes, but it always falls short of poetry. Isn't poetry just serious playfulness, anyway (with some more serious than others)?

I have so many questions, all the time. I just don't ask them out loud in anyone else's presence. I ask them to myself, or I ask them to thick air.

Sometimes I wonder if I really am biting off more than I can chew, and if I'm allowed to spit a little out and get back to it later without being too gross about it. The overall taste is pretty good. I hear tell it's all nutritious, but only if you can get it down - not swallow it in one gulp, but consume it all in a semi-allotted time span. And then you have to digest it. That's the tough part.

No one said it was gonna be easy.. but it doesn't have to be hard, either. It just has to be efficient. Know what I'm sayin?

One of those days...

2004-10-01T17:12:00.000-04:00

Today has turned out to be a nice way to start off the month of October, both weatherwise and otherwise. From my perspective, it all began this morning with Criminal Law class, which featured a few minutes of discussion of a couple of cases, followed by a re-enactment and discussion of one of the cases we've been talking about recently (led by the same professor I sat next to at dinner a week and a half ago), followed by a guest appearance by a local police officer with 34 years of experience (I think he's retired now.. I at least know he isn't working) who had some incredible stories to tell (he told us he actually has thousands of names, and contact for each one, on his Palm Pilot. How 'bout THAT?). I and a few other students spent some time talking to him after class. The whole experience was incredibly interesting from start-to-finish.. actually, calling it pretty special might not be too much of a stretch.

Property was next. I was cold-called. I gave answers I hope moved the discussion along ('course I still can't say anything in there with total confidence. Part of that is my lack of legal experience, but most is just me).

Softball was after class. I didn't have too many web-gem chances since I was catching, but I had a good day at the plate. I ended up 4-for-5 on the afternoon. Batting from the right side, I reached on a one-hop grounder to deep short in my first at-bat and then flied out on a good ride to left-center. From the left side, I had two ground-rule doubles to right-center (the second of which could have been a homer but wasn't called one because it hit the tree out by the brick path we've designated as the "fence") and then a three-run homer to right in my last at-bat. All I was trying to do was get some good hacks both ways (I have to stay in practice in order to keep batting switch), and things went well. I don't take any of it for granted - starting out exclusively right-handed and then teaching myself to bat left has been a challenge that's gone against the wishes of just about every coach I've ever had (even my dad), but it's fun to give it a try when I have the chance.

That's been about it so far today. Oh, and then there's the weather - this is one of those days to be truly grateful for, especially coming in October. It doesn't get much better than this as far as the weather goes.

What a long week. It's tired me out more than I was hoping/expecting. Now I have a whole bunch of work staring me in the face. Somehow it'll get done, but it'll definitely be a trying experience!

Are we having fun yet?

Staying on message

2004-09-30T23:21:00.000-04:00

So it's the end of Month 9 of '04.. meaning I've been over here for exactly one month. Amazing that much time has already gone by, but not too surprising since I've had a lot going on almost all the time. It's been a welcome change, but also a big adjustment.

I thought I might weigh in on the debate that just ended.. but I'll stay away this time (don't want to go off on another political rant, which is a bad habit I'm really struggling to break). All I can say is that it's amazing how both those guys stay on message RELENTLESSLY. I guess that's the name of the game when it comes to any kind of public political discussion where you have something at stake. This was a pretty high-stakes debate. In U.S. politics, that almost always seems to mean score some points while you can (i.e. stay on message), but above all, cover your ass (i.e. stay on message).

Nine months down, three months to go in what has been another turbulent year.

50 Years of "The Catch"

2004-09-29T10:05:00.000-04:00

Today's one of those great anniversaries in baseball, and a big one for Giants/Willie Mays fans everywhere. 50 years ago today was Game 1 of the World Series between the New York Giants and the Cleveland Indians. The setting was the Polo Grounds in Manhattan (which, sadly, was demolished). The score was tied 2-2 in the Eighth. The plate matchup was Don Liddle against Vic Wertz, lefty against lefty. Vic blasted Don's first pitch about 465 feet to center. That's WAY outta here just about anywhere else (even back then, I'd think).. but not at the Polo Grounds! And not with Willie Mays playing center field. He made a running, over-the-shoulder catch, then hustled it back into the infield (a REALLY long way away) to keep Larry Doby from scoring from second base and (possibly) Al Rosen from scoring from first base. That ended up preserving the tie score, which helped the Giants to win it in the 10th on a Dusty Rhodes home run. They went on to sweep the heavily-favored Indians (who won 111 games in 1954, a season record only topped three years ago by the Seattle Mariners) in four games. That was our last World Series win, and Willie Mays's only World Series win (we've never won one in San Francisco!). Now that was 50 years ago. I don't mean to repeat the story you might have heard more than a few times by now. I just love telling it.

Every time I see or hear about "The Catch," all I can do is shake my head and think of what an incredible play that was. First, there was the catch itself, something hard enough to pull off over-your-shoulder, but even harder when you're running with your back to the infield! And to think that as of today, Willie Mays was exactly two and a half weeks younger than I am right now when he made "The Catch" puts it in a whole different perspective. Second, can you even imagine being OUT after hitting it 465 feet? That's still probably one of the longest flyouts in the history of the game. Pretty mind-boggling if you think about it. But that was Willie Mays.

"The Catch" is the most famous Willie Mays play, but even he says he was just doing his job. He told me he didn't really think about making spectacular plays, or take note of all the incredible numbers he put up year after year.. he just went out there and played hard, did his utmost to help his team win, every day. That's always inspired me since I heard it from him nine years ago. Let me tell you something else: my hand still hurts from his handshake! I was a (much younger) kid back then, and his hands were at least twice the size of mine. He squeezed with what was probably normal pressure for him, but after he let go I checked my hand to see if anything was broken or out of place. More on the story later...

Living proof that "The Catch" is rooted in the fabric of baseball (and, OK, softball, too) came during a softball game last week. One of our guys hit a fly ball deep to center, and the center fielder (one of six outfielders!) ran it down with an over-the-shoulder catch. Someone said what all of us were thinking: "That was like Willie Mays out there." Fifty years later. Often imitated, for sure. But there's only one "Catch." No matter what people might say about it.. even Willie Mays himself.. you have to admit it was a great play.

The restless wave

2004-09-28T10:32:00.000-04:00

I'm tangled in restlessness.

I wonder if I'm spending too much time right here, in this same spot, even though I feel like there are a lot of things I can do from right here. For instance, I'm spewing my guts out a little more in this blog, with a (literally!) two-inch-thick course reader full of cases sitting to the right of the keyboard and a much smaller book given to me as a gift (but, wouldn't ya know it, by the SAME GUY who put together the course reader!) sitting to the left of the keyboard. So far today I've been doing a couple of cases at a time, then reading a little of the smaller book, then back to the cases.. just trying to find the balance. I find I can't do any one thing for an extended period of time. It's almost like I feel more comfortable doing about three or four things at once than doing one thing at once. I think I know where this is heading - I need to spend more time at the library! I need to start sleeping in the upstairs hallway. I keep joking about how one day some corner of the library will be like my second home - now, exactly three weeks into school, maybe it's time to stake a claim and make that a reality. As with so many other things, I just have to muscle up the initiative to make it happen.

Why am I still here? Why am I not studying? Why am I doing this INSTEAD of studying? These are just a few of the thoughts that run through my head a few hundred times a day. I know they can be unhealthy if they're excessive. I know balance is the key, that anything can be good in moderation. I wonder if I'm getting caught up in it, or if I'm still in the trying-to-figure-out-what's-going-on-before-it-could-be-too-late boat. Insecurity is my worst enemy.

From what's here so far, you'd think "I" could be my favorite letter of the alphabet. Sometimes it is. Other times it isn't. There's so much wrapped up in it, and it's changing all the time even though it's arguably the simplest of all the 26 letters this language uses. My own version struggles with itself all the time...

There's nothing quite like the Fall rain that's falling at the moment

Onward and upward.. this is turning into a series of switchbacks. With every onerous repetition, you know the summit is that much closer

Chris

Who IS the "gunner" anyway?

2004-09-24T19:15:00.000-04:00

Today was the end of what turned out to be a long week, even though it was probably nothing out of the ordinary! I know there's plenty more where this one came from.. not exactly looking forward to the long nights ahead, but I guess that's what you get sometimes, especially in that dreaded first year.

I was mercifully cold-called on today, and again I think I managed to escape relatively unharmed. I sound like such a rookie when I say that. I know people just stop caring altogether after a while. I know people get used to it and stop making such a big deal out of it, trying to get it all down, throwing in as many legal terms as possible to try to give further credibility to what they're saying. I'm very curious to see how things are going to change over the next few months. I'm pretty sure they will.

So that leads me to the main topic of this entry: the gunner! Someone in my section said he's convinced one of our section-mates is a true "gunner," but he won't tell us who. All we know is that the gunner he has in mind is male and that he plans to keep his secret until May. I'm thinking we have at least three gunners in our section so far, although they're "mild" gunners. I'll have a much better idea in a few weeks of who they are - right now, no one really comes across as a "gunner to the core," but a few definitely have "gunner" personalities.

All this talk about gunners without even defining the term! When will I ever learn? Let me try to make up for it now.. As far as I can tell, a gunner is someone who comes to class fully prepared to strut his or her stuff in front of everyone. The gunners are here to learn, but they're also here to demonstrate their stunningly crystal-clear understandings of even the most complex, nuanced issues that come up in class. Above all, they do it as often as they can. Sometimes they talk without thinking, mostly because they love to hear themselves talk. Sometimes they push to the verge of arguing with their professors. You know who I'm talking about now? These are the people who know that the law is their life's work and that it is designed to carry them as high and as far as possible, but from day one of law school! And they want to make sure everyone knows that and respects them for their natural legal reasoning abilities. Of course, gunners come in all shapes and sizes, but the basic characteristics are an extremely high confidence level (either bordering on or full-blown arrogance for the "classic" gunners you hear about), eagerness to talk all the time and impress the hell out of everyone in the room, and the belief in always having the best answers. Not in terms of "I'm the only one who really gets this" but more "My answer is the best one!" Let me emphasize one more time that there doesn't have to be anything negative about being a gunner, even though it occasionally has negative connotations. Some of the warmest, friendliest lawyers you know could well have been gunners back in law school. You know one when you see one.. even if it takes a while to be sure. Come to think of it, here's one perceptive test that might help you to find the gunners out there: http://lawsloth.blogspot.com/2004/07/you-might-be-gunner.html

I've always had high ambitions, but I've never really been a "gunner" in the full sense of the word. If I really am a gunner, I'm a quiet one. Gunners are fun to listen to.. at least at first. We'll see how things go later on as people get more settled. My only question is this - will the gunners run out of ammo?

Mahvelous, dahling

2004-09-24T01:36:00.000-04:00

As much as I hate to say it, I feel like I really got "going" yesterday around 5:00 in the afternoon (even after I'd already been awake and fairly active for nine hours). After taking care of a few chores, I went and heard a great talk by a family friend about how, when you're a law student, law school tends to disrupt the narrative that has been building throughout your life. The friend ended up writing a book to actively continue his own narrative when he was a law student. I was actually worried about my narrative being disrupted. Guess how I decided to stop that from happening? (well, one way, at least)

Shortly after the talk, I found myself walking north, looking up and to the west under a crystal-clear now-fall sky. I saw one of my all-time favorite stars, Arcturus, the brightest star in the Northern Celestial Hemisphere for almost exactly the next six months :-) It's the first star I learned to recognize. As I walked, I felt sad that it was already in the west not too long after sunset.. soon it won't be visible because the Sun's glow will swallow it up.. and it won't come back into view until, I think, sometime late in the fall, in the early morning, in the northeast. It's always sad when celestial bodies you're used to seeing night after night fade into the Sun's glow. Then it's always so exciting when you see them again.

The First Full Day of Fall

2004-09-23T17:05:00.000-04:00

So now it's Fall over here. Yesterday I had everything planned. The midday sun blazed into my eyes as it crossed the Celestial Equator, right next to the wrist of Virgo's outstretched left arm.. and I saw more clearly.

So far my own experience with Fall has been tiring, but good.. a series of long nights this week have combined to wear me out a little bit. Carrying around pounds and pounds of books probably doens't help too much, either. I probably don't even need to carry the books around. Well, actually, yes, I do. If I didn't bring them to class, I would be called on Socratically and would be almost completely unprepared for the question hurled in my direction. You can see how my paranoia has reached a new level.

One common thread I find running through my preparation is that I have a hard time foreseeing exactly what the questions will be. When they come up, they all look like curveballs. I think I have a decent idea of what's being said in the cases.. and maybe I do, but it's just amazing to me how much more is pulled out of the cases when they're discussed. Sure, that's probably the idea. It's just frustrating when you don't know exactly what to look for, exactly how to say it, exactly what angle to attack it from, or exactly what you're supposed to take with you (as in, what will come up again, say, in about 3 1/2 months for all of us, and then many times after that). I used to think I was more patient. I also used to be more patient with myself.

Look at this bubble we're already getting caught up in over here!! It's scary!! No one can hide from it!!

A freshman activity-oriented mentality seems to be sweeping the Class of '07. I hear about people trying to do about 10 or 15 different things. The scary thing is that many of them probably CAN handle all that stuff.. the only question is whether it will be at the expense of other important things, well beyond just sleep. Only one way to find out for sure. I would do the same thing. But then I've already bitten off a lot to chew. I don't think I've ever really bitten off MORE than I could chew, but I've bitten off so much that it's taken me a long time to chew it all. Sort of like one of those giant wads of tobacco baseball managers sometimes chew (I know.. even in the 21st Century). I'm planning on playing this one safe, making sure I don't get overextended. That would really suck.

I was in some kind of sandwich last night. I ended up going to dinner with something like 12 other people, and I ended up right between two illustrious professors at the table (no, really!). That was intimidating in more ways than one - not only because of the level of fame and expertise on my right and left (and, for that matter, all around the table), but also because when they got to talking, I was literally right in the middle! They almost started yelling at each other right as I was trying to make my way through a bowl of corn chowder. It was a really interesting conversation. I still felt in the way. I wasn't sure if I should try to move, or if I should just stay in the sandwich and just serve out my purpose for the moment - keeping the two pieces of bread apart. It wasn't that bad overall - it let me jump in on about four different conversations, including two at once more than once. In fact, not only was it not that bad overall.. it was pretty GOOD overall. A rare opportunity, in any case. Also great for a student budget :-)

Today's my granddad's birthday. I can hear him (sometimes I even see him, in strange places and at strange times), but I can't call him. All I can do is look to the sky and wish him the best I have to offer. He was always great. He still is.

I wonder what's in store now...

The Last Day of Summer

2004-09-21T10:36:00.000-04:00

Alright, then.. so today is the "official" last full day of summer, at least here in the Northern Hem. My own summer feels very much over at this point. Come to think of it, it was a shorter summer than usual, anyway, because of the season change I put myself through. I ended up having a good deal of free time this past summer.. I keep wondering if that'll be the last one of those summers for a while. In a way, I hope it is. But I'll still miss it. No wonder I'm waiting for the day I can (hopefully!!) get into academia from the other side of the desk.

So after what turned out to be a long night (meaning short on rest) Sunday-Monday, and then a long day yesterday (but punctuated by having a drink and an appetizer with a professor and a few of my section-mates and then seeing my dear ol' roomie for the first time in a few months), I thought last night might be a good chance to catch up on rest and sort of refuel for the rest of the week. But NO! The construction crews had another idea, bringing a variety pack of construction right to our doorstep early this morning. Jackhammering, gravel-pouring, gigantic tractor-tread trucks rumbling down the narrow street in the back.. you name it. That made a lot of noise. I wish I could sleep on a meat hook. I can't. I'm sure I've slept through a few 2.7s before, but when the rumbling keeps up for minutes on end I can't handle it. That's my story for this morning.

All things considered, the late night/early morning combo is probably good training for now. Not that I'd want to keep it up on a regular basis, but just for those times I have to go through with it...

Sometimes you try to put mind over matter. Sometimes you want more time, and then it's all about going to bed later and setting the alarm earlier. Then you have to see how long you can keep it up before you start to crash, and the cycle repeats.

But where am I?

Domingo por la noche

2004-09-19T22:31:00.000-04:00

Ah, yes. It's Sunday night again.. and it's already Sunday night. I'm a little ambivalent about Sunday nights, in general. They're always full of anticipation, with Monday just around the corner. I always feel like I have to start shaking off the weekend and "get going" again, but for some reason I never really get that far until about midway through Monday morning. Case in point: right now I'm not really doing much work-related. I'm just sitting here, chilling out, thinking I should do something but not sure what or when. The radio is on, but it's coming through my computer and it's not English. I'm only half-listening to it, figuring that at least a little of it will seep into my head even as I think in English so I can write these English words. Now, I'm not expecting to boost my vocabulary by half-listening, but I can at least slowly accustom myself to the rhythm so it'll be easier to pick up later. Otherwise, it's just my desk lamp, rented desk, rented chair, rented room, the various and varying sounds of motor traffic outside. At this moment, that's about the extent of my world. I also have books piled up on either side of the computer. Looking at them and thinking I'm probably slated to spend plenty of quality time with them isn't always comforting. But that's the name of the game.

You'd probably laugh if you saw me right now. I've just left open a little daydreaming window. I do a lot of daydreaming, but I try to keep it to inconsequential times of day and night (is that the English dialect some people call legalese?).

I've spent countless Sunday nights of my life just like this. I know I'm at the point where doing any more work tonight wouldn't do me much good. I still resist turning in, instead going for the blog. I almost feel I have to keep up with it because I know it won't wait up for me. I have to feed it and nourish it, even if the words have little or no nutritional value (like these here, possibly). I might be doing that at my own expense, in terms of energy level...

Still chilling, still here in this spot where, if it is so willed, I'll probably (unfortunately!) be spending a good percentage of my time over the next eight months.

Here's a little question, just to make reference to the materials.. who actually thought of "reasonable opportunity to obtain [your] fair share?" I mean, like, what do you think of that, anyway?

Just curious

You know something else? I'll bet.. just an inexplicable hunch, but I'll bet.. that the average purity score of the law student body over here is a little lower than you'd think...

The Seven Deadly Sins are Pride, Envy, Greed, Anger, Lust, Gluttony, and Sloth.

The Seven Heavenly Virtues are Faith, Hope, Charity, Fortitude, Justice, Temperance, and Prudence.

I find these are all useful, in some way, in formulating lofty goals. Or baser goals, for that matter.

Just tossin that out there.. you know what I'm sayin?

That was quick...

2004-09-19T10:51:00.000-04:00

I think I might have jinxed something by talking about it too much. I kept thinking that this gracious four-day weekend handed to Section V would just fly by, saying on Thursday, "Next thing we know it'll be Sunday." And guess what? It's already Sunday! It always works out that way. Days with no class FLY BY, and days with class DRAG OUT.. maybe I/we're just not having enough fun on the days with class? Or is it that we're having too much fun on the days without class? Could go either way. Still, now it's Sunday, and now it's time to hunker down a little more. I haven't really been doing that so far. I've been trying a "little-at-a-time" strategy to try to spread things out so my academic laundry list is never too long. It's tough, though, when you're not sure what you should be doing and what you can wait to do later, or in some cases shouldn't be doing. If I could, I would go ahead and blast through as much of the reading as possible every day, just to try to get it out of the way. That used to work (when I would do it). Now it doesn't work as well because the cases lose their freshness-in-mind over the course of a few days. Of course, it could be that I should just get through as much as I can and come up with better ways to remember the nuances of the case that will almost certainly come up in class. I'm still learning the system. I just hope I'm not learning it the hard way.

The ferry trip around the Harbor last night was great. People from '06 and '07 were there because last year's boat trip (for '06) was cancelled. That made for a crowded boat. A few of us were concerned about the boat being overloaded. Seeing the trap door on the way down to the lower deck with "120 adult life jackets" painted on it made us feel a little better. Still, I think we were all careful not to crowd onto one side of the boat, the way a certain marching band used to do with other vehicles. Everything worked out just fine. A friend of mine got into a little altercation with one of the security guards, which was his second small fight in three nights. Not sure what that says. Maybe he's just excited. Well, OK, we were all excited. Plus we'd been through a nasty weather day, with almost three inches of rain during the daylight hours and then chilly breezes blowing while we were on the boat. That must have done something to the general mood. In any case, it was a nice trip out on the water. My only regret is that I didn't have a few cases of tea to dump over the side.

Come to think of it, we could have started pouring beer over the side to protest the outrageously high prices of drinks on the boat. First they charged us for the tickets, and then they tried to charge us baseball concession-stand prices for the drinks! Needless to say, I didn't drink anything. I would have been more than happy to pour beer over the side in protest, though.. especially since I'm not much of a beer drinker. Maybe next year I'll try it.

Looks like a nice day out there, even though the temperature really dropped overnight. I was worried when I noticed the chill this morning and then thought, "This is NOTHING!" I'm sure I'll be celebrating in a few months if the temperature is even CLOSE to as warm as it was this morning, when it felt cold. I need thicker skin.

And now summer's almost over! And to think I robbed myself of a third of the summer... but that's OK. It just means I have to make the most of the rest of it.. now only about 74 hours

:-)
Chris

2004-09-17T17:08:00.000-04:00

As Dan O'Brien said, it's not the heat that gets ya.. it's the humidity.

That's what today has been like. The weather changes so drastically around here.

So after a bunch of case reading, I went out to the Common down the street and got in on a pickup softball game. I pitched against a high-powered offensive team (or maybe it was me floating it right down the pipe) and gave up more runs than I care to admit - or than I care to remember! - but I ended up being 2-for-6 on the afternoon at the plate. From the left side, I was 2-for-4 with a 2-run homer to right-center, a single to right-center, a groundout to first, and a groundout to second. Right-handed, I was 0-for-2 with flyouts to left-center and deep short. I was hoping to contribute a little more, but that was the best I could do after not playing for more than a year. Could be that the distance was useful..

Back to the cases now. As of today, I've had allergies for five years.. since the day I moved in for college orientation. Amazing that it's already been that long.

:-)
Chris

5765

2004-09-16T16:49:00.000-04:00

Hey there

I feel like it's been a little while now. I've been trying to find the chance to get back to this thing for the past couple of days, but for some reason I haven't gotten all the way there. And now here I am, trying to make up for it...

So this is Rosh Hashanah, and according to that calendar the year is 5765. 5765!! Amazing.. another sign of the rampant imperialism that accompanied the spread of Christianity (or is it the other way around).. we use the "Christian" calendar even though many still exist that have been keeping track of the years much longer. Interesting that the Gregorian calendar is right in between the Jewish and Muslim years.. 2004 Gregorian, 1424 (or is it 1425?) Muslim. And then there are so many others on top of that. It seems more and more "arbitrary" when you figure that the Earth is at least 4.6 billion years old and the Universe is closer to 13 billion years old. Honestly.. I mean, what year is it on the sea turtle calendar? Something like 321,156,395? Just a guess.. either way, though, today is one to celebrate, the new year 5765.

It's also Mexican Independence Day.. 183 years and counting.

It also turned out to be a day off from class. At least two of my professors this semester are Jewish, and three out of the four of them actually canceled classes for today and tomorrow. Ah, if every week could be like this. Just like Chrissy was saying last night (not my diminutive.. a classmate).. we haven't even had a full week of law school yet! I don't know how we'll take next week, since that's slated to be the first one.

Now it's already late Thursday afternoon. ALREADY! Why do days like these just go so much faster?

So I saw a terrific ad earlier today on the T's Red Line, going over to Boston. As we were speeding along in the direction of Ashmont/Brainteee (as in John Adams) right between the Harvard and Central (Square) stops, I noticed that there were pictures painted along the wall outside the train. I then saw that the pictures were painted right together, and that when the train was moving fast enough the moving pictures turned into an animated feature. The ad turned out to be for Roayl Caribbean. Made me think seriously about going down there, after I immediately wondered how much it cost to put the ad there and who thought of it and what a creative idea it was. I was genuinely impressed. I wish I had thought of it myself.

Another benefit of that ad (besides the one to Royal Caribbean - increased sales).. this could be stretching things a little bit - well, OK, it's definitely a stretch to say this - but maybe the ad encourages the trains to keep moving and not sit in the tunnel for no apparent reason, which Muni trains in San Francisco used to do all the time. If the train isn't moving fast enough, the animation is spoiled. Same with the spaces between the railing bars on the Golden Gate Bridge. If traffic is moving along smoothly, you don't notice the bars and get a nice view. If it's not moving, you get about half view and half bar. Then again, it could be interesting to stop in the tunnel and look at one of the stranger pictures in the ad. Animations almost always seem to include at least one crazy picture, but most of the time you never notice them because they're flying by at upwards of 24 a second. To make a long story short and keep a long story long, it was definitely a cool ad.

I think the beanie I got might be a little bit too small. Felt great in the store.. must have shrunk on the way back.

OK, playtime's over. More to come.

Sundries

2004-09-13T20:33:00.000-04:00

Today was relatively uneventful. Civil Procedure was this afternoon. We were left with a gripping mystery, one involving what gives the Supreme Court authority to rule in Lavender v. Kurn. You know that one? Was it negligence, or was it murder? Or was it both - equipoise? Why did the Supreme Court have anything to say about it?

Just thought I'd feed you a little of the mystery myself, in case you like legal mysteries.

Civil Procedure seems like a legal mystery. That could be the idea.. I guess we're supposed to be in the business of de-mystifying it, but in our own special, highly interpretative ways.

No wonder there are so many lawyer-haters out there.

These are the days when people spend time sitting outside, studying or pretending to study while actually just people-watching. I kept thinking today, as I cruised along and saw people in shorts and T-shirts, how startling it'll be to see the same places and even the same people a few months from now, when wintertime actually "hits." I'm curious to see what that looks like. Maybe not looking forward to it, but just interested in seeing what it's like. It's about to be some kind of craziness once we have a little snow.

I'm still working on the accent. Might take me a while, but I'll get it. I just have to get out into the town more.

Of course, at this point, the law just doesn't go away. I learn more and more every day about just how much it applies